Representing me.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004 11:40 AM
I frankly started thinking, (seriously working my brain) about it just today when I was gazing at the drainage stretch outside my HDB unit. Yea... The place where if you washed the floor outside your unit, the water would flow in that small trench-like drainage system and run down.
My dad just poured a whole load of water down that trench and I don't know, seems weird lah, but I felt very attracted to looking at the water make it's way slowly but surely down that trench. I was just so attracted to the way the water just flowed.
Then my sister stuck her foot into the trench, blocking the water flow. And the water stopped moving.
Then I sort of woke up.
Haha.
It's so weird to think I was looking at waste water, flowing down a mini-drainage system like a baby looking at a red elmo (yeah... babies LOVE red elmos for some reason. If elmo was blue, they wouldn't like him as much. It's a baby thing).
Then I started thinking... If I could be anything in this world, I would want to be water.
Yah. This is some freaky korean type of like show where the female lead will look deeply into the eyes of the male lead and want to be some tree or bird or wind or something lah! But no... I'm not in a korean serial/movie, I'm not gonna die, and I'm not going gaga over Korean stuff at the moment... Plus I don't believe in reincarnation... It's just that I'm so freakin' fascinated with the way the water flowed. It has been haunting me since morning.
It felt familar, that fascination, because when the sun shone down on me, it felt strangely like deja vu. Some how, some where, some time, maybe in the past or something, I was looking at a similar trench in that similar sunshine, watching the water flow from the drainage system from the same angle.
Perhaps, I was holding on the that deja vu while it lasted and it wasn't the beautiful pattern of the flow that I was so attracted to. All I know was it made me feel like wanting to be one with it, for just a day.
And if you asked me now, whether water was a living thing, even though I have been a Pure Science student for a year, I will say, YES. It lives. It absolutely DOES have life.
It lives a life more exciting and fulfilling than mine. It lives a life I long to see for a day.
It is nonchalant yet concerned.
It feels like I something I know.
Because I seem nonchalant and still, I am always concerned. About people, about things, about issues.
It hurts when flooded with it, and yet without it, life stops.
This... is the part which is bit dubious.
I know I hurt people if I flood them with my character, my suanful behaviour... So everyone is better off with small amounts of me. But to say that without me, life cannot go on... That's really something to think about. I'm not saying I'm not confident of my existence, more likely that this is what I can never be. No one is irreplaceable. =) I'd rather be disposable then be tied to a responsibility like this one- without me, someone will cease to live. Because I want to be a motivation to people to live their lives rather than a reason to live.
That's different.
But then again... Even though I love looking at it, I just don't like to be engulfed in it.
Similarly, I don't like to be engulfed by myself, because, it makes me feel helpless that I am who I am.
That's why, no matter how much affinity I have with water. No matter how much I want to be water, I can never be it. Because being it would be a contradiction itself. =X
It can never represent me.
It can never represent me.
It can never represent me.
But like the stubborn and headstrong Taurus that I am, I want to live a life of water, just for a day. I love to experience... But I hate monotony of repeated experiences. That is why nothing at all can represent me.
I want to be everything when I feel the novelty of being it.
But in the long run, I want to be EVERYTHING. I want to feel everything.
That is exactly why, nothing can represent me.
Nothing can represent me.
Nothing can represent me.
**carrie**
This blog contains the memories of two people who hated each other at first, managed to get to know each other anyway, got attached for a year plus and then decided to break up.
They are very different people especially in personality and even though they love(ed) each other very much, there are some things that because of love, you have to let go.
Just happened that it would have to be this relationship.
They now remain very very good friends. (Time will tell if this sentence actually holds.)
3rd October 2004 - 20th January 2006
His Wishlist Whiteboard
Plug-in Acoustic
More Polo-tees
some amazing sound system in my room
more time
large bed
large room
win lottery
basically everything else
disclaimer
Certain name(s) have been changed to protect the privacy of the person(s) mentioned in blog entries.
This is done in view of the number of people who are able to access the blog. Also views expressed on this blog are usually done at the spur of the moment.
Forgive the writer (specifically carrie) should she unknowingly offend. Excuse her. However like every other blogger in this blogosphere,
she is still accountable for her blog entries.
