a nightmare would be a life without you

:) Hmmm.
Friday, December 31, 2004 3:01 PM

With that devastating tsunamis around, how to celebrate new year happily? Is it really going to be a dreary new year? We've already got everything horrible these few years, with what, insane madmen (Os*m* lah, B*sh lah) out loose, all those killer viruses (Wah seh, for SARS must wear mask! Like those kiasi Japanese people then got that freaking chicken flu, no eggs for weeks! Almost died!) and all that drama mama elections (America and Taiwan lah), not forgetting the China-Taiwan conflict (Want to burn flag back also don't know wanna burn whose flag!). Oh oh! And the Nicol Highway boo boo! (And all the other boo boos that followed!)

But instead of looking at the bad side of life. I think I'll be thankful and grateful for the good things this year and thank God for everything that's great, and not rant on the 'Aiyo. Such a bad year!' outlook. Because bad things happen every year. It's about looking at all the good things that come along. If not, life would be a total drag. Heh. I know it sounds rather like selfish to look at the good things that happened to me only. When I read it again, it does sound pretty self centred. But if I were to moan about bad things that happen to others all year round. Heck it, I'd be wrinkled dry by now!

These are only five of the numerous great things that happened this year:

1. I got to know my dearie better and we got together! (It's gonna be three months soon!)
2. I learnt to live without eggs (only for awhile)!
3. Pug Jelly and Electrico (both local bands) hit our Top 100 charts. WOO HOO! Long live local bands!
4. I got to know what being CCAless felt like. (Not exactly something great, but it was an experience.)
5. Talking like some siao char bor to little kiddies and discovering the inner kindergarten teacher/mama in me for Green Week 2004!

Yeah. :) It's a pretty good year. Oh yeah! And a number 6 would be I learnt how to 'gamble'. As in I learnt Mahjong and Taiti. Heh. I haven't played both yet though. But I sort of know how the game goes now!

I'm gonna spend my last second of 2004 tomorrow and my first second of 2005 with my dearie tomorrow! Sounds so sweet. :) Hohoho! Can't wait... ... Heheh. And I'm giving Clara, Ting Yan and Annabelle their very freakingly overdue presents to them tomorrow. :) I hope Annabelle likes black squirmy furry objects with tails! I hope Ting Yan is still as bo liow. And I hope Clara likes white clouds against blue. :) Only then will it be a Merry Christmas present!

Gah! So cold these days. Can't keep myself awake for too long before I feel like hugging my nice warm bolster and covering myself with my blanket. Sleepy.

I have a sudden urge and desire to attend a wedding dinner! :) Weird!

**carrie** (loves wei sheng!)(wishes everyone an early happy new year!)

P.S: Thanks to Ada, Amy, Nat for being such sweet people and for cheering me up when I needed it most. And of course a lot of love to my dearie for being so understanding and for playing songs to me to cheer me up when I felt horrible about myself! Thanks for being the light in my darkest hour(s). :) You're so appreciated.

Recent Bouts Of Insecurity
Wednesday, December 29, 2004 3:25 PM

Before I start on this blog entry... I apologize for the negative feeling contents. It's rather private and (I hope) temporary, so don't worry too much about it. No fuss about it too. I'm human and although it worrying to see me writing all these, really, don't bother fussing about it. I'll be fine. If you're gonna get upset about what I'm going to write, or worried about me, I appreciate it, but please, don't bother. Don't start reading the entry. Basically I would write this in my own diary if I could find it, just couldn't find the diary, so I decided heck it, had to get this out of my system before I suffocated myself with my pillow, so here I am, blogging, ironically, what I don't really want anyone to know. Darn. Ironic thing to do, and here I am doing it.

There's something seriously wrong with me, something just keeps bothering me these past few days. I bet it's just a temporary state of mind. I hope it is, because whatever it is, I want it to go away soon.

I'm not someone who is soft-spoken and who wallows in self pity and insecurity. Everyone knows me for my loud-mouthed, headstrong, rather freaking stubborn nature. Sometimes I can be so fearless and confident, it freaks all my friends out and plus, I'm someone everyone thinks is rather evil because I do not really emphatise much with other people's predicaments or sorrows. I can never understand how they feel, and I'm always quite critical to their situations being so frank it hurts them. :( Bad point, I know. It's pretty hard to tone my straight forward biting self down, but for now... ... Whatever is happening to me is probably retribution.

But these few days. I'm being someone I don't recognize. Or rather, I'm feeling things I struggle very hard not to bow down to. I'm so afraid of being someone no one can be bothered with. I'm so afraid of being someone everyone feels is just so weak, so timid, so scared. And ultimately I hate the whole idea of being alone. It hits me again and again during meaningless times of day and before I sleep. I'm surprised... No, shocked that I haven't been having nightmares yet. I feel very helpless because now I cannot help how I'm feeling and I feel like bawling many many times. I hate to cry. I hate to cry. And I hate it even more because of why I feel like bawling my eyes out. This melancholy is over-powering me, invading my mind, my heart, my soul.

I'm so insecure. I hate insecurity. I hate insecurity. I hate being insecure. All in all, these few days, I hate myself for being who I don't want to be. I cry I cry and I cry somemore. But for what?? I don't know. And for once I'm not saying I don't know because I don't want to say anything, but because I really don't know. I'm really clueless, I'm really facing a question mark.

Maybe this is what being constantly jealous feels like. It may feel cute to begin with, but its such a horrible feeling after time. It's not because I hate the person I'm jealous about, because it makes me feel insecure. It makes me feel like I'm not worth anything. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough. It makes me feel like I'm not the right person. It makes me feel lousy about myself. So this is the real side of jealousy. This is the real side of jealousy. :( I now see why it's one of the seven deadly sins. I see why God declared it something evil. Just two words, I see. It's not always cute when it lingers on like perfume. The first whiff is beautiful, sweet, endearing, but constant drifting linger is a horrible smell. A stench no longer an aroma. The novelty is lost.

Is this the stress of being with someone whom many are attracted to? Because I am not someone who is attractive to many, I feel extremely... ... I can't explain that feeling. It's a strange mix. A very strange mix. The same kind of insecurity (How do you describe insecurity? It's so bitter... But its more than just bitter...) I felt when I was with Yong Jiang. Unlike Yong Jiang, many people tell me that my dearie is nothing like him. Alot of people say I must must treasure Wei Sheng, because he's everything a girl wants and because he loves me (possibly) a lot more than I love him. And I used to agree. But if he loves me more than I love him, why do I feel so... WEIRD. I HATE MYSELF FOR BEHAVING LIKE THIS. FOR EVEN FEELING LIKE THIS!

If Wei Sheng reads this, he's surely gonna ask me whats wrong with me. I have no idea. I really love him, no doubt and I don't think that I want this is blow up in any argument. Just today one of his accapella friends said, "You all never quarrel one ah? So good." Or something along those lines. Yeah. I hope nothing blows. I hope he doesn't get angry with me just because I'm typing what I'm typing. I'm not doubting him. I'm doubting myself. I'm always so afraid to bring it up whenever I'm feeling insecure because I don't want to lose him, and I don't want him to misunderstand me... I'm not good with words which is contrary to what people believe. But I am not good with words. My command of English is good. But I am not good with words.

Bouts of insecurity. Bouts of insecurity. Again and again. I hope they go away soon. So I can love my dearie like before. Seriously, right now, I'm feeling so lousy about myself. I can't believe it's me!!! I can't believe it's me. It's frustrating!

I don't know how to tell anyone about this. I don't know how to talk to anyone. I don't really feel like I've anyone to talk to about this... I mean... It's just so... It's such a touchy topic. The straight in my face me would tell myself that, "Chey... Why you liddat. Have more faith mar. You always tell other people that. Why now no faith in yourself? No faith in him? Silly girl." So I don't feel like telling anyone about it. Because conversation is pointless. I don't want people to tell me, "No lah... You're actually rather pretty what! Why no confidence in yourself?" Because I know it's never necessarily true. I used to love praises and reassurances like this... But now... They seem so useless. Because I know everyone out there is just out to say something to make me feel better. It is not the truth.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I cannot believe I said all that. But I am feeling like this. I start missing my long hair... My 'shu nu' long hair. And I regret snipping it all off. And I feel so ugly. I feel so ugly. And I have never thought of myself as ugly. I don't feel good about myself. I feel horribly fat. I think I have a horrible personality and I'm not at all attractive. Not at all. This is not modesty here. It's how I really feel. Oh my God. I feel terrible. Terrible. I've eaten chocolate, yet those feel-good hormones are not doing anything. I feel so hideous.

On my way on the train to City Hall today, I was looking at alot of girls and I feel that, everyone of them are prettier than me, slimmer than me, and are cuter than me. How the heck can I feel this way? I mean, I'm special what, I definitely have something unique in me that others don't have. But I just feel like this. So lousy about myself. This has gone on for a few days already. And as each day pass I see more and more pretty girls and it's not envy anymore or admiring glances. It's now I look and I feel, "Hey... I am actually pretty ugly." So how on Earth did I come up with the, "I don't think any girl is ugly lor. It's only pretty or not pretty." Because I am ugly... Or even if not ugly... I am not pretty. And I feel sad just thinking about that.

Really... And reading one of the blogs about him oogling... It actually affects me. And all along I feel that guys have the right to oogle. I have never ever felt this bad about my dearie oogling. But it does for now. Recently. I wonder why. It's just so different. It's just not me. I'm not like this. And is this depression? :(

I'm so sorry Wei Sheng. I may seem like such... I'm so unattractive now... :( Being so unconfident of myself just makes me even more unattractive but I can't help it... ...

**carrie** :(

Sudden Cravings
7:40 AM

No I'm not pregnant, although it sounds pretty endearing to be pregnant. :) The cravings come very often these days meaning only one thing - my period is probably on it's way. And I was right! It came just yesterday. Gah. Had to control bad facial expressions throughout yesterday. Usually it's not that bad and the period cramp pains are easily over-powered by will, but heck! It freaking hurts like hell on the first day. Always.

Yeah. I've been craving for the weirdest junk foods recently. I used to crave for chips and prawn crackers and alot of 'Burbur Cha Cha' before meals, during meals and after meals. Now I crave for Chocolate Chip (Chipsmore) cookies and alot of gummie bears. Especially the Chocolate Chip cookies. Can't swat off that longing for those crispy, sweet smelling, delicious chocolate cookies topped with chewy, heavenly chocolate chip. Oh my gawd... I feel VERY hungry just thinking about it. :S

I can't eat! No! I have to CONTROL!!! I don't want to be fat any longer. Argh. Will-power is desperately needed in this time of ultimate need. When my period comes, the bloating is bearable, the cramps not really that excruciating, and even the overflow doesn't matter. What really matters is that whenever I get my period I desperately want to binge! :( Binging is no fun, just yummy.

:( I'm so hungry. Lusting for chocolate chip cookies. Someone save me. It's either I'm bored, so the craving seems more amplified, or I'm really hungry (which I seriously doubt). Probably boredom getting to me. I've tried everything possible to keep myself occupied! I've been looking at baby photos of me and my sis, I've been online of ages blog hunting until I gave up and tried blog hopping and came across very interesting blogs (just by typing in keywords 'wei sheng' and 'carrie'). Ho hum... School is reopening and boredom still exists. HOW CAN?

Whatever... Oh... I know why I'm feeling so hungry now... I forgot to eat lunch. OH! Silly me. :D Silly silly me.

**carrie** (is bored. but still loves weisheng)

Two... or maybe three interesting (actually evil) things to note.
Monday, December 27, 2004 5:15 PM

I didn't wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy Boxing Day! Oh evil, evil me! And although I was bored like a 'lao hong' bag of chips I didn't even remember to wish everyone Christmas greetings. OH PURE EVIL ME! That's two interesting things to note. (How evil I have grown thus far!)

Now you're probably wondering what's the third interesting thing to note.

Eh heh. And that's the return of jealousy. It really amuses me to think that I have never really felt the little green monster stomping on me (for a pretty long time now) until this last two months plus due to the appearance of an interesting person. She NEVER fails to make me feel jealous. Which is a pretty good thing. After being totally nonchalant about everything, it kinda feels cute to be jealous again. =)

And that's the one more interesting thing to note! Heheh. Turning point of my life - feeling jealous again. And although jealousy (a.k.a envy) is one of the seven deadliest sins, much frowned upon by many, I find it very VERY amusing to be jealous. Kind of thrilling if you ask me. I think I'm very weird. =S Ho hum. I think alot of people find me more and more eccentric as the days pass and they read more of my blog and hear me ramble on about weird stuff... Shall stop now before I seem weirder than I already am!

**carrie** (loves wei sheng and is finally jealous!!!)

Bored like a "lao hong" bag of Chips
3:55 PM

And because I'm so bored like a "lao hong" bag of potato chips, I decided to go ahead with this not-very-interesting 'survey' (in which I have to answer in the shoes of my dearie or whatever I think I know about him)before I go decorate Christmas trees in Maple Story. Buwahahaha. Seriously, there's something very wrong going on up there in my little brain. Wait a minute... There's a server check going on, so this survey will go on for a rather long time. I am utterly bored. UTTERLY.

basics.

Full name: Tan Wei Sheng
Nickname: Ben, I think, although I never ever call him that. That's what most of his friends call him. And er... the more interesting one which he ever told me about would be "Wei Sheng Zhi" a.k.a Toilet paper. Haha. I never call him that too. Basically I just call him Wei Sheng, or dearie. Does dearie count as a nickname?
Birthdate: Buwahahaha. I definitely score this one. 14 November 1988.
Age: 16 and growing... ...
Grade: Post O'level Student. Heheh.

favourites.

Hobby: Should be gaming lah. He's very pro at one shooting arcade game... Yah... Playing his guitar. Jamming with his band, hanging out with his friends. Watching CSI and stuff like that. =D Er... Yeah.
Sport: It should be ... ... *groans* swimming. Since he's always trying to get me to go there. And he's always visiting Island paradise Sentosa... So... I'm not sure lah!
Food: Hokkien Mee! Without the prawn and sotong because he's allergic to seafood. I bet it's Hokkien Mee lor! He always eats that. And cold food! And well... Char Siew! I know he likes Char Siew.
Drink: Sprite Ice? (He keeps drinking that mar!)
Music: Giveaway question. Another one to get marks! Pure rock! No mixed up nonsense like Busted or what-not. Just good ol' rock like simple plan, linkin park... Please say I got this right!
Song: He doesn't have one. =) I know this. Haha. Asked him the other day. He doesn't seem to have any specific favourite.
Movie: *crosses fingers* Ocean's Eleven?
TV Show: Woo hoo... Something I should know. CSI, CSI MIAMI, THE OC, SURVIVOR. Did I miss anything?
Phrase: He kinda says everything. Got phrase meh? Haha... If there's a sure thing he's gonna say it must be "Tired ah?" (That's actually very sweet of him!!!)
Place: Anywhere with loads of coconut trees! Hehehh!
Ice Cream: Er... Probably Chocolate Chip cos' we always get that from those push cart ice cream vendors. Yeah. The huge block kind that comes sandwiched between crispy waffers!

More about him.

What's his best attribute?
He's got quite a few. Most of the attributes he's got, I don't. He has whatever I lack sorely. Mainly he's very tactfully sensitive and considerate. He always knows what to say in any situation. =) Just so sweet lor. Awwiex. Melts me to bits he does.

His worst?
I won't say he's always late because I'm always late. But here's one thing- he's sometimes overly sensitive. It's either that or I'm too insensitive. Maybe I am but... He kinda takes alot of things I say too seriously. Not a bad thing all the time, but it can get a bit difficult for me because I have to start thinking very hard if what I'm gonna say gets misunderstood. =X It's quite ironic that I like his sensitive nature and at the same time it's a boo boo. Haha. The irony of life.

How does he dress?
Usually rather casually. Unless he wants to be a vampire in on one of those very weird days and he dresses more formally than I ever would. Haha. Yeah. The latino vampire moods.

How does he do his hair?
He uses more goo than I have ever seen in my life and he probably spends more time doing up his hair than showering! Haha. =D He usually thinks it's better off goo'ed down, but I like him to goo his hair up. Whatever it is he's super cute whether he does his hair or not.

Is he nice?
Yeah lah. He's a much nicer person than me lah. Haha. I'm a meanie!

Is he shy?
I have frankly never seen him shy IN MY LIFE!

Is he a good kisser?
Yup. *shy*

Does he smoke/take drugs?
Freaking hell if he does. I'd probably get VERY mad at him. GAH!

Does he care for me?
Alot of people say he does. And I agree. He's the first guy I've met who cares for me more than his own face lor. =) I love him very much for that... ...

Does he get jealous if you go out with other guys?
Er. I don't think so?! I have never seen him jealous as of yet.

Does he go out with other girls?
Sure one lah. Haha. He's a freaking shuai ge! Definitely he'll go out with other girls and hang out with them to chill and stuff.

Does he cook?
I think so. Heheh.

Does he know how to treat a woman right?
Yeah lah. He does.

the beginning.

How did you meet?
Possibly online although I don't remember much and I have no trusty chat logs to refer to. =X Hmmx... And er... I don't seem to remember talking to him much and I can't remember WHY I even introduced him into 48.4FM, which is the online radio station I am in to him. After that we chat occasionally online. I usually just rant to him about everything. Gah. And er. Yeah. Literally meeting him would be during some 48.4FM chill out meeting. First time I met him was at that Cine Pool place.

How long have you known each other?
I think I knew him for like a year or so? But I didn't really get to know him until like couple of months back. So if that's the case, I've only REALLY known him for a short half a year.

How long have you been together?
About two months plus lah. Since like 3 October this year.

How did you get together?
Er... He sent me home one day after we were out at Orchard and I gave him the I do through SMS during our post-outing sms greetings. And I kinda said 'I do' because it's utterly touching to have someone carry you on piggy back through high tide in Sentosa sea water when he's already cut and bleeding. Sounds very cliche but it happened that way. It was very sweet.

What drew you to him?
Everything? Most probably because he is everything I'm not and trying to be. It's complicated. But that's about it, simplified.

Where was your first date?
Good, very good question. =X Because I can't really remember. Probably Orchard! Or Esplanade or something like that. I need to check my diary. =P

When did you first say I LOVE YOU?
Er... I CANNOT REMEMBER... Failing memory... FAILING MEMORY. Oh no... ...

random questions.

How often do you see each other?
Almost everyday leh. At least for now. Haha. =D I'm such a blissful girl! Xin fu, xin fu, xin fu!

Do you have anything in common?
Good question... ER... Don't think so. Er.. We're both Chinese? And Teochew? But he's part Hokkien lah... I'm just teochew through and through. Hmmx. Like I said before, he's got every attribute I SORELY lack. Heheh.

What do you do together?
Anything that my puny indecisive brain and his decisive brain can churn out. Like flying kites, or watching movies, walking aimlessly around in Sentosa. Stuff like that.

What do your friends think of him?
They think he's shuai. Haha. I infer this from this sentence, "Carrie your taste has improved leh. Got standard ah! But hor... Why you always go for the beardy ones?"

Do you get on with his friends?
Eh... I don't think they hate me lah. =D

Do you think he would ever cheat on you?
Nope. He's so sweet and everything, won't one lah!

Do people say you look good together?
My friends think we're very 'compatible' and that we look alike. Which I don't know is a compliment or not. My mom thinks otherwise, but then again. I don't know.

Have you met his parents? Do they like you?
Not yet. But I bet they'll NOT hate me. =D I'm quite likeable what! But I heard his mother doesn't really er... prefer girls younger than him. *gasp!* I think his dad doesn't really mind or care. Haha.

Has he met your parents? Do they like him?
Not yet too. But my mom is thinking he's a nice guy. My dad on the other hand needs a little convincing. =X

Do your parents/friends take your relationship seriously?
My parents not so. They think it's a 'phase'. Oh well. My friends do lah. Quite.

Do YOU take your relationship seriously?
Seriously in my case would mean, I would definitely think it's gonna be long lasting. So. Yeah. Seriously.

How would you describe your relationship?
Rather mismatched yet complimentary, loving, fun, crazy, argumentative. Aiya. Hahaha.

What's the best gift you've recieved from him?
Heheh. His heart. ^_^ Lolx. And if you mean something you can literally touch, it would have to be this year's christmas gift. HE MADE ME A FRIENDSHIP BRACELET WITH OUR NAMES ON IT...! So sweet lor. I melted leh. Although I didn't really show that much.

Do you guys have a song?
Loads lah. Always dedicate alot of songs on air during our show. Haha. Like 98 degrees and Robbie Williams and Obviously by McFly! Gahahaha.

Have you two ever.

Taken a trip together?
Does Sentosa count? Haha.

Celebrated a holiday together?
Christmas!!! Haha.

Seen each other cry?
I haven't seen him cry, and he probably has never seen me cry. =)

Argued/Fought?
We like argue ALOT. Heheh. A nicer word would be squabble, but it usually works out.

Broken Up?
Two months plus only lor! Wah. *choy* Haha!

future.

Do you think of marrying him?
Recently, yes. Haha. =) And I think of him in a suit and me in a gown and it looks strange but its kinda sweet to think about it. Lolx. And I think of the eleven kids we're gonna have and it feels sweeter. Like sugar on ice cream!

Has he ever mentioned marriage to you?
Haha. The hottest topic we talk about is having lots of kids. All eleven of them. So definitely he as mentioned it.

Do you want to marry him?
LIKE DUH. Hahah.

Can you see yourself having kids with him?
YESH. Haha. Eleven Tan Shi Yi, Ten Tan Shi, Nine Tan Jiu, Eight Tan Ba (wahaha! Poor kid!), Seven Tan Qi, Six Tan Liu, Five Tan Wu, Four Tan Si, Three Tan San, Two Tan Er, and One Tan Yi. Heheh. Cute names lah.

Would he make a great father?
Hahaha. YESHH! He totally has THAT 'uncle' look. WOAH. He'd make the best dad in the world lor. I just know it. Haha.

How long do you think your relationship will last?
As long as we both can stand each other which will be quite some time since we both don't show much sign of taking things to heart. Mainly it depends on how much of me he can take. Heheh. If he can take all of me, woah, easy lah. How long? FOREVER. =D Cliche as it sounds... ...

complete the following.

I love it when he ..
gives in to me when I cannot 'xia de liow tai' (get down from the stage). =) And when he gives me hugs cos I'm too shy and conservative to hug him first. And when he reassures me about stuff. Heh.

When we're apart ..
miss him to bits and think about him. =)

I can't stand the thought of ..
Us EVERY having a permanent silent war. Hope it never happens ah!

I'm really hoping that ..
It's really for forever. And that we CAN make eleven kids come true. Haha.

With him ..
I feel like a squabbling loving grandmother. Woo hoo. Haha.

I just want him to know ..
That I don't really express how much I love him and it probably seems like I can't be bothered with expressing that I really love him and care for him but heck I do lah. Haha. =) Working on it. See the survey. That's step one. Wouldn't spend half a century answering this if I didn't love youuuuu deariiiee! Heh. MuackxX! Love you!

**carrie** (luuurrvvvvvveeesssss Wei Sheng to itty bitty bits.)

Weisheng's eleven (kids)
Thursday, December 23, 2004 6:20 PM

yea i know. i've ran out of titles to think from so i got one a quote from carrie =D. and i'd also like to say its very late now and carrie's now sleeping where i'm blogging =P. to add on to that i'd also like to apologise for not blogging very frequently =(. and i'd also like to say i just reformatted my computer so all my files are gone =S. and i've just ran out of emotions.

yea all my files are now all gone. thanks to internet explorer, i can still blog. its actually 2 now. i spent the whole night trying to reformat my com. something went wrong with some system programme, and i decided not to trouble my dad or my mom to get some computer geek to come meddle with my com so i formatted it myself. very big loss, because now all my song files are gone, and then also all my documents and pictures are gone. i've learnt to adapt and understand that this is all part of life but its really frustrating! looking on the bright side, now the police have no evidence that i actually download my songs. and if any dear copywrite people are reading this and want to sue me with this entry, think again.

oh did i mention carrie is a pro amateur skater? first time skating and takes less than 5 minutes to actually skate? how the hell did she do that? haha... well went to pasir ris park at downtown east with carrie yesterday (and yes, i did call carrie in the end) for my class chalet. decided not to go for gambling and go skating with carrie. ok, first time skater, screams when she's about to fall, grabs onto anything she can when she is going to fall, looks like walking when she started to try. BUT THEN in a matter of minutes she could actually manage to skate on her own without falling and looking very smooth too! natural.

oh and so went to JURONG LIBRARY today (yes, the area which holds the real giant megamart and Sony and Akira buildings) to get some books, and also to get carrie's new card. ok, list of things we almost lost today. my wallet (found by carrie), her wallet (found by a kind malay boy), my library card (found by ???, collected at customer service), my stack of 4 books (found by remembering i was actually carrying something). i think the library has this "chi" that makes us forget things. there must be some conspiracy theory behind all this. the library must really need people to loose their books and gain money from it. the government prolly spends all their money on something else. this also explains my bogus $6+ fine and carrie's fine which included a very bogus book in the list (something to do with cats, due to the library's "chi" i forgot its title).

well i'm actually feeling very tired and frustrated (reformatting) now. shall go read abit of (freshly borrowed) sherman's lagoon before i go to sleep. and then solve the 20 greatest problems of the world. goodnight!

_weisheng_ (would die too if carrie did)

Surrounded yet Alone
5:44 AM

I know what you guys are thinking... One minute Carrie seems to die. The next minute she's feeling alone. GAH. I am not feeling alone. It is not reflective of my mood. Today's entry is about a case study so SHUSH! Haha. Here we go...

Guess what I did this morning?

Aww. Nothing much, just did some blog hunting, with no particular blog to find in mind. Usually I have a target, like a name and I'll go find a blog with a person with that name, it can be anyone- someone I know, someone I don't know - as long the owner shares the name that I'm interested in for the day. But today I was just typing in schools and clicking on blog links and reading them. I discovered something. Blogs are interesting things, they are journals that record a person's thoughts and feelings. The whole idea of a blog is to be painfully truthful and to be as public as possible. But alot of these journals, because of the constant glare of public attention, close their doors to the surfers of the world wide web, and it becomes a locked online diary, known only to a select few.

Interesting. Totally. It's like they get flamed and it's too much for them to take, they lock up. They don't want to be in the heat of the fire. They don't want to stand there and challenge the burning flames because they feel that it's a pointless and hopeless battle. And to a certain extent it is true... Just too bad for the avid readers, and the fans. :)

I don't have the faintest idea what the heck I'm rambling on about. Just some wandering thoughts drifting around. I'm like in one of those rare thinking moods. I hate to think much. I'm just like one of those pathetic bimbos except that I don't really have the looks. Oh and one thing to clear (in case some flamers should appear from no where!), I shall digress a bit now, I am not modest in anyway when I say I don't really have the looks. I'm just being painfully truthful and frank. It doesn't mean I'm a hypocrite. Yeah. I'm quite a narcissist but it doesn't imply that I find myself beautiful beyond beautiful. I just like myself. Alot. Haha. And I wouldn't call myself a chio bu, I'd just say I'm different and I'm special (just like everyone else). Whether you believe it or not, thats how I really feel.

That reminds me of the plain, very pointless (tease) argument I had with Wei Sheng yesterday while he sent me back to the Pasir Ris MRT station from his Class Chalet at Costa Sands. (I am SO digressing again, but what the heck.) We saw this couple (oh gawd don't punish me for my bitchiness by blogging it) and the guy was freaking ugly while the girl was a 100% chio bu. And Wei Sheng was saying it's the perfect example of his "ugly boyfriend-pretty girlfriend mismatched couple" theory. And I kinda agreed. Haha. Then I went to say (because I was trying to make him feel good about himself) that he was shuai (and I really think he is too!). But Wei Sheng refused to accept the fact and maybe he was acting modest but he insisted he was ugly. Aiyo!!!

Even though I don't think I'm chio... I don't think I'm ugly. :) This is what I call a crazy "OLD GRANDPARENT COUPLE QUARREL".Yeah. I like those. Haha. Totally fun. Anyway it went on for awhile with no one winning in the end. Gah. So do you guys agree that ugly guys always snag those oh-so-cute girls? Then how about in my case? I think we look pretty good together! Haha. So how does the theory explain that? Because we're special ah?! Hehehe. Nevermind... ... Shall go back to the topic.

As I was saying (what was I saying anyway)... ... Oh right, I was aimlessly blog hopping and I kinda came across Kim Wakerman's blog (Yeah lah, that very cute big eyed Kids Central kid lah). And I didn't really like Kim Wakerman in the first place, I always thought she was always like so... Overly hyper. :S Heheh. I didn't really hate her or anything, just felt that she was another one of those spotlight loving KC girls (I haven't had a good impression of KC girls you see).

Anyway, it seems like her life is pretty lonely. She is SO surrounded by anyone and practically everyone, and yet she seems to speak as if she's all alone. I guess that sometimes, fame is something that gets you company but it doesn't give you the security of a true friendship. Strangely, unlike the unfeeling, cold and evil bimbo that I am, I actually feel sympathy for her. Or was it emphathy? Whatever it was, I felt really sad. :( Sad for her. It's like why do people have to be jealous of her and stab her left, right and centre? Oh well. Lesson to be learnt. Fame comes with HUGE price tags. So we'll all bear that in mind before we go chasing that Mediacorp dream ah... :) And remember you heard it from Auntie Carrie (who probably will one day write in those AUNT AGONY columns).

Lalala. I shall not go blahing on and on with my brainless banter. I'll be going down to Jurong library later on to borrow some books to fill up my leaking brain. Seems like alot of stuff has been pouring out, I desperately need a refill. I wonder if my dearie will be interested in going down too?! Haha. Bet he's still sleeping right now.

Anyway... This has been a nice Auntie Carrie blog entry. Remember to eat enough fish okay! You don't want to get a blood clot from lazing around this Decemeber holiday (or whatever is left of it), so eat more fish! :)

**carrie** (loves Wei Sheng) (yeah. Loving him to deathhhh!)

Laaazeee Bumming
Wednesday, December 22, 2004 8:45 AM

CSI is on tonight. That is something to look forward to, at least for today... It's an extremely cloudy day down in Simei and I'm bored out of my wits. Even though I've blogged like hundreds, thousands or maybe millions of times, I'm not sick of blogging yet, although I do procrastinate like recently. I haven't lost interest in it, just too bored and rotting and procrastinating like a lazy bummish grasshopper.

Spent the day keeping cool (eg. bathing, hydrating self etc etc), editing this blog (I added a couple of avatars to entries as well as like links to long lost friends' blogs.) and well, lazing around. Gah. I seriously haven't understood the reality of my situation. I'm gonna be an O'level student, who will sit for the O'level examination for seven subjects and more, and here I am, lazing my ass off on some computer chair which feels like shit. :)

And I can still smile... ... Ho ho ho. I bet my parents will so worry like shit next year and I'll just jump around like ants on a frying pan.

It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. Oh heck. Yeah... ... Just don't want to think about it much. The choices. And everyone knows I can't make any decision! How can I possibly decide all by my lonely self which courses I want to take or where I'm gonna go. I can so die. :)

And I can still smile... Oh bummer. Seriously. OH BUMMER! I hate making decisions. I don't even know if I want to go to a JC or a Poly and I'm sticking to the whole NGEE ANN MASS COMMS thing for no reason. There is simply no reason why I want to go there. I just do. It's like inbuilt. Washed into my brain... There seems to be no absolutely not one solid reason why I feel like going there after my O'levels. I mean. It's like something to aim for and theres no reason why I want to got there. And other than mass comms the only other thing I'm interested in is business (and that's only for the tourism part).

But then again, I think about SAJC and I think that isn't so bad either only thing I don't know what the heck I'll do there. SAJC is very attractive to me because my mom goes to SACC which is St Andrew's Community Chapel which is like a branch from St Andrews Cathedral, so my mom tells me about the building of the Christian community and it sounds spankingly good to me. But then again, like I'll ever ever make it in there.

On a lighter note... Fellow bloggers, congratulations. We have been declared people of the year for our opinionated opinions regarding world issues like Saddam's bushy eyebrows and what not. :) Also the word of the year is also BLOG. Which means we are all taking the world by storm even if we're complaining about the cat poo on the floor which needs to be cleaned.

Gah... I'm bored. Seriously. I wonder when Wei Sheng will call. My brain is going, "Please call soon. Please call soon. Please call soon." It's like a looped recording going on and on and on. And on... And on...

**carrie** (misses Wei Sheng!!)

Last Day Alive
Tuesday, December 21, 2004 1:20 AM

I was in a taxi and the driver was speeding just because I said I needed to get somewhere quick. I don't remember who I was going to meet or where, I just know as we speeded down the black tar road, somehow it was against the traffic. The driver was weaving in and out of the on-coming traffic and it was freaking the hell out of me. No matter how many times I screamed and asked him to slow down, he wouldn't. The taxi was hurtling down this highway so quickly I dared not open my two eyes. They were left tightly shut.

I heard a screech and alot of frantic incessant honking from cars around us and I opened my eyes, only to realize that the driver was gone and I was alone, sitting beside an empty seat. The car had already crashed into the railing and I was flying off the highway in a 'runaway' taxi.

I don't know how to express my fear and I don't know how many scenes and before-death wishes passed through my head as I saw the car crash into a glass roofed building (seemed like an insurance building), but it was then that I realized I was looking at myself from a distance as my body and the taxi collided with the glass, shattering it and banging back to Earth. There was chaos in the building and everyone was starting to rush out.

I saw myself bleeding, I felt everything hurting, but I was not lying down dead. So what was I or where was I? I walked into the building, stepping on the shattered glass at the same time, and it hurt, so I couldn't be dead. If I was... Then why would I feel pain? But I was lying on the ground as well... So what was happening?! I was panicking so much. Then a receptionist who looked like she was shocked came over to me and dragged me out calling for the ambulance. No one knew that the 'me' crushed under the car was me as well... I was two utterly same persons at the same time, but only one of me was saved.

Nonsensical as it seems, with my head bleeding, everywhere, blood was gushing out, I was crying my lungs out trying to scream out to everyone that I was still inside the building, but no one took me seriously. I bet everyone thought it was my damaged head.

Fast forward to when I 'woke up'. I saw alot of people around me. I felt weak and everything. I knew I was dying. I KNEW it. I could feel it. If no one saved the real part of me, I would die soon anyway. So I panicked and I felt so alone! I have never felt so lonely in my life. No body would believe me. No body. Who would believe that I wasn't me but I was me?! I mean it was so confusing! Even I had difficulty believing I existed. My dad was looking at me, my mom was crying... My sister was playing her Gameboy. Then suddenly I asked them why my mom was crying and my dad told me that the crash had done something weird to my head and I would be able to talk but it would continue to bleed and strangely I could continue on living but only for one day with the help of technology. Live life as normal for one day.

I totally shut down. I didn't know what to do, or what to think. Then Wei Sheng entered the room with Zero Infinity, 48.4FM crew and some of my friends from school. I looked at them totally stunned. My last 24 hours... ... I didn't want to spend it in a hospital room. I told Wei Sheng and he looked kind of like he didn't really care... It broke my heart.

I haven't bought Wei Sheng's gift so I decided to go buy it, and somehow I found myself by some jetty, the sky was wonderful. It was deep cyan and pretty sky blue all at the same time and the clouds were extremely beautiful. My heart was filled with joy and I kind of forgot I only had less than 24 hours to live but I just went on trying to find Wei Sheng's present. (He went with me to that 'jetty' but I asked him to go sit on some bench nearby so he wasn't with me when I bought it.) I wanted to go Daiso to get a box to keep his present but Darryl told me that Daiso was closed this Saturday. But then something must have happened because I saw black and the next thing I knew I was looking at a doctor with Darryl, Wei Sheng and my dad. Yeah. The my dad part totally freaked me out.

The doctor was saying that I could not go do straining activities or else it would drastically reduce the hours I had left to live saying I should already treasure every single minute of it. My dad then looked at me and asked me, "Carrie, you go buy whatever you want, you only got one day left... It's okay. Daddy don't mind! Just buy what you want for Christmas or for yourself. Do what you want to do!" He said that in that fake cheery tone.

It was then that I cried, and Wei Sheng just stared at me, he was so nonchalant it made me want to cry more, and deep inside I really wanted him to just comfort me and tell me everything would be okay although it wouldn't... But he never did any of that. He just stared at me. Stared at me. Stared at me. And my dad asked me what was wrong.

And then I spit it all out, "I don't want anything. All I want is a happy family. A family that's complete, not just 'pretend' complete. I want my father and my mother to talk to each other naturally like friends even if they don't love each other. I want a family who can pick themselves up after every quarrel and who go out together... Not a split up family. BUT CAN YOU GIVE THAT TO ME NOW? NO. I will NEVER have a normal family to accompany me through my teenage years and I won't have one to accompany me through my adult years because my life will be ending soon and I will have NO adult life... And I have never had a happy family for my teenage years or at least how much I can live of it. So I ask of you now to try to stay together as a family. Please. Even if I don't have a happy family to confide in and go to I want Andrea to have one. She needs one. She needs one. Is that too much to ask?"

And I was crying all over. And all my dad did was keep quiet. Wei Sheng just sat there. He still didn't hug me or comfort me or do anything. I was so disappointed. I went over and hugged Wei Sheng but he just pushed me away. I cried even more because I was thinking if I ever had a happy family again... It would definitely have Wei Sheng in it... I'd introduce him as my boyfriend and bring him over for dinner on weekends and stuff... But I would never have a happy family and... I really wanted my family to be happy even if I died... And everything was so confusing and I couldn't think straight...

Then I woke up. Still crying. The blanket was all like wet in patches. And I had to tell myself it was just a dream. Keep telling myself its just a dream. I'm still tearing right now. I feel so pathetic to be so emotional over a puny nightmare... But this nightmare told me what I want most in life. I always bluffed myself that it was okay if I didn't have a happy family I'd get used to it... And I tell myself all the time that I want to be an air stewardess and have a zillion jobs, job hopping my life away and stuff... Thinking that is the whole want I have in life... But what I really want is a family, if not I wouldn't have had such a weird nightmare and I wouldn't have woken up crying and I wouldn't remember exactly how I felt or what I said in it...

But I wake up this morning and I tell myself after I've calmed down that it was a dream, a nightmare and I have a limited number of days left to live my life but it will be sufficient and that I should treasure everyone I love...

And yes... I'm going to love Wei Sheng even more than ever because... No because. I just will.

**carrie** (loves Wei Sheng so much so much so much!)

I Didn't Blog Last Night!
Sunday, December 19, 2004 3:07 AM

I didn't blog last night although I said I would. I was just too exhausted to even stay awake after Crashy Show and then I was mapling and I procrastinated the blog entry and I didn't even blog in the end. Oh well.

Zero Infinity was great. The fan club was rather enthusiastic, the rain didn't pour down that badly, and quite a lot of people donated. =) It's so fantastic to know there are people who won't think twice about donating those dollar notes into the tin cans. And then there are those wonderful people who just love watching Zero Infinity perform and who walk around with a video camera taking everything in. How about those nice people who stopped to donate although they were rushing. Singaporeans are actually quite kind-hearted people. =D

I was smiling SO much I could barely feel my cheeks and the day went on great. Although I got a bit tired and my eyes were being sucked rather badly by my lethal contact lenses. Woo. It was a pretty long day.

Gah. Crashy Show was doing great! More listeners were tuned in compared to the last few weeks and it was really great to know we were being heard! =D

Gonna be out for an outdoor recording today. WOO. Do join us outside The Heeren Shops! =D Song dedications, messages or jingle singing. We're doing it all.

**carrie** (loves weisheng!!)

Dare You To Move By Switchfoot
Saturday, December 18, 2004 12:41 AM

Since I have absolutely no idea what title I should give to this blog entry, I shall just label it with the song I'm listening to right now (on loop play). =D

It's today already! Can't wait to watch Zero Infinity perform! They're always rocking so well! It's infectious! They are so gonna be the next big thing. Made like cute little cards each with their names on it and cards which read ZERO INFINITY and stuff. Haha. It's great to behave like some crazy fan! GAH! Haha.

Will probably blog later at night when I get back. =) The Very Crashy Show is gonna be playing later so... ... Yeah. Can't wait to see my dearie again. I'm being so... ... WEIRD lor. =X

Shall go play Maple. =P

**carrie** (loves Wei Sheng) (and misses him a helluva lot!)

Gah.
Friday, December 17, 2004 2:28 PM

I'm bored so I decided to blog. Notice that it used to be, I WILL blog because I just love blogging I'd blog fifteen times a day. Yeah. Now I'm like...

"Let's blog when I'm bored and only when I'm bored."

Gah. And even if it doesn't make sense for me to say this in this entry, I've stopped visiting Xiaxue regularly. Basically I just don't find the kick in her bitchy yet funny entries anymore. I guessed there's a limit to how much brainless crap I can enjoy. I myself am made of too much crap. Absorbing more can and will kill.

I'm listening to 48.4FM and Darryl and it makes me go goo-goo-gaah-gaah that I can't host a programme on my own without prompting or a script. Haha. Oh man!

I feel REALLY bored. Can't wait for tomorrow to come mousey along. ALONG. Like faster lah. Haha. =) It's just so monotonously monotone today. And there's like a Zero Infinity gig tomorrow down at Plaza Singapura again, so heck, come on, may today pass faster than normal because I can't wait for tomorrow. Not even if it means I'll be hearing the same songs again, because I LOVE ZERO INFINITY! I am probably their most crazed fan! =D Haha.

Gah. Gah. Gah.

Just met Wei Sheng just now but I miss him already. =S This is really quite a redundant senseless entry. GAH.

**carrie** (loves Wei Sheng)

yup i'm back (a.k.a weisheng blogs)
Wednesday, December 15, 2004 6:01 PM

hohoho yup i'm back to blog days after carrie returns from KL. and its been a long time. and what does this mean? this means i'm spending every tick of my time with carrie, having no time to blog! (and no that doesn't mean i'm not now, its just that i suddenly have free time). oh well spending these holidays with carrie has been amazing =P and then there's still christmas coming up. woo ha.

oh yea i changed the blog layout. decided red blue and yellow needed a new meaning. this layout is specially dedicated to CARRIE! duh. showing everybody how red blue and yellow fits in a black background. and also for the poem which is very true.

okay there's actually nothing much for me to say now about my day, but i'll tell everyone what's coming up. 17th i'm getting the results to what JC i'll be going in for 3 months, and tomorrow zero infinity's going to be performing at plaza sing! so if your there and u coincidentally pass by this blog when your there (0.001 probability) well, take a peak at how we're doing and rate us on a scale from 0 to 0.5. also tell us the probability of us getting into a BGM contract.

ok well that means i'm probably not going to have enough sleep! so i'm going to sleep now and i'll prolly blog tomorrow about what happens yea. see ya.

_weisheng_ (keeps carrie in his heart always)(and the reason he can do that is because carrie isn't fat)

FAT RANT (gah!)
2:05 AM

I am so freakin' hooked on Maple Story again. After getting my account wiped out by those horrible makers of Maple Story when they DIDN'T even send me the verification code, I decided, "WTH! I am SO NOT gonna play it again!" But then only to find myself starting a new account, leveling up 8 levels in less than 30 minutes and then get hooked on it again. =X

Everyone is probably like all at least level 14 or something while I'm a 'nooblet' (as one sore loser in Maple Story called me when I killed the Orange Mushroom and he didn't) wandering on the green grassy prairies of Maple Island or whatever that place for noobs is called.

In two levels time I got to like decide (ALL OVER AGAIN!) which Job Class I'm gonna be in and I absolutely don't know what. I feel like being one of the few female warriors but heck it, I haven't been leveling on my strength, at least not enough! I might want to consider being a bowman (like all the other female characters in the game) again. How about magician (although alot of females are also magicians)? Then what I want theif meh? Aiyo. What the heck! I don't know! And I'm already a level 8 noob who needs to decide where to level accordingly. BAH! Games are so confusing.

Had to download the .exe file again because I accidentally deleted it. =C And thats sad because theres a new patch today... ... So I have to download.

Ho ho ho. RETRIBUTION lah. For not going to Wild Wild Wet and making everyone so sad by insisting we went to Downtown East instead. I really don't know how lor. I don't want to wear my swimming costume. I'm SO fat lor. FAT! F-A-T! Just repeat the letters after meeeee. Aren't you shivering already!? I'm fat!!! No matter what you say dearie, I'm still fat! You're a guy lor, most of your fats are not in visibly disgusting places. You don't have cellu-something or whatever which jiggles when it's all bunched up! AHHHH! Thinking about it makes me wanna cry! I'm FAT. =C Wearing shorts into the pool only solves ONE THIRD of the problem. I've got a freakin' tummy and flabby arms. How to cover all. =( I DON'T WANT TO BE A JIGGLYPUFF! Jigglypuffs may be cute... But being a human jigglypuff. *WAILS*

**carrie** (feels fat!)

Christmas Songs
Monday, December 13, 2004 4:07 AM

Been listening to a whole lot of Christmas songs to feel so into the whole Christmas spirit. It's coming! For the first time in a long time I feel this adrenaline rush just thinking about it! =)

Is this how Christmas feels when you have so many people to spend it with, especially with someone you're really beginning to feel very fond of? I guess it must be! I haven't been feeling like this for ages. I haven't anticipated the arrival of Christmas since I was in Primary Three- light years ago! This year is a tremendous change for me... I mean. Try being nonchalant about THE ultimate festive season of the year for ages and now *BANG* feel the whole blood rush again.

I was out yesterday night to watch Wei Sheng's accapella group's competition performance. I could tell they put in alot of effort, but techie errors got them down. Their microphones didn't work and only two of them worked. The weird thing was that only the guys doing bass had working mics, and you have bass drowning out the others because their mics weren't working. Strange thing is the next group who went on didn't have a problem. Awwiex. =C Anyway, I really hope they enjoyed themselves and the experience nevertheless. It was great watching them still smile away even after all the adversities. That's sportsmanship for you. Haha.

One of the song Wei Sheng's accapella group sang yesterday was Santa Baby. That is one cute song! For your listening pleasure, go get some of these great songs to accompany you on your Christmas adrenaline rush. =)

1. Santa Baby by Britney Spears/Marilyn Monroe
There are like so many versions of this song, I recommend the Britney Spears one if you like cutie singers and the Marilyn Monroe one if you prefer the sultry mature sound.

2. Perfect Christmas by S-Club 7
Yes. The one by S-Club 7. They may rock, but for this song, they roll. Haha. It's beautiful and sentimental. Great for night listening when you don't want Simple Plan racking up noise pollution at home.

3. Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree by Jessica Simpson
Try the version by Jessica Simpson. =) Catchy Christmas Spirit lah.

4. My Christmas List by Simple Plan
For you punk rocking teenage angst loving, this is the must have song for Christmas. Haha. Think plain humourous take on the 'Teenaged-Christmas'.

5. Do They Know It's Christmas by Band Aid 20
Nice song lah!

Yeah... ... Haha. I'm trying to sing Santa Baby. Bahaha. Cos the song is wayyyyy cute! Oh right and Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree! SOMEONE HIRE ME FOR CHRISTMAS PARTY! I'll sing for food! =) Oh right, and money too. Haha. Yesh? Any takers? =D Please give me a job. Haha.

Right and I rewrote... ...

Santa Baby
(The Version Carrie wrote)

Santa Baby, just slip my dearie under the tree, for me,
I've been awful good girl.
Santa Baby, so hurry get my dearie in sight!

Santa Baby, a big fat satin ribbon on him, dark blue,
With yellow spots all over.
Santa Baby, so hurry get my dearie in sight!

Think of all the fun I'd miss,
Think of my dearie and his missing kiss.
Next year I'd be so good,
If you checked off my Christmas list.

Santa Baby, please just give me my dearie to me, just him,
Right underneath my pine tree
Santa Baby, oh please get my dearie in sight!

**carrie** (loves my dearie Wei Sheng a little more today than yesterday!)

Hopeless Musings
Saturday, December 11, 2004 7:25 AM

It is so very very strange how I can be here at my computer, complaining about it being a pain to work because it lags so increasingly much, complaining about every single thing I've come across and yet realize almost immediately (not for the first time) after coming across something that I've been so absolutely foolish. Some how, no matter how many times realization dawns on me, time after time after time I still revert to my 'old' pathetic ways- probably committing all of the seven deadliest sins the moment I forget about this 'realization'. What is the point of me realizing that I've been a such a fool when a day or two later I stop appreciating life and I start being such an ingrate for the life that has given to me by complaining about it. Why have I not learnt to embrace life as it is and be grateful for it? Why do I time and again, continue to bitch about it and never learn to treasure it for what it is instead of pointing my accusing fingers each time something "undesirable" happens. Will I ever learn?

It's almost like a ritual, a cursed one, that I should be foolish, then realize I have been so, try to change and then yet again revert back to being another fool on this planet. Is it just me, or does everyone behave this way? But then again, not everyone takes things for granted the way I do. I just don't understand myself and the way I do things. Why do other people find themselves changed while I just find myself back to where I started. So what if right now I say, "Hey! I've had enough of myself (again) and I'm gonna be a better person. Hey yeah! Nothings gonna stop me now!" and then stupidly I'm evil, malicious and bitingly painful a couple of days later. Defeats the blardy purpose. What's the use of being remorseful if I don't ever learn from my repeated mistakes? So what if I constantly feel guilty about my ungrateful behaviour? What difference does it make whether or not I am 'sorry' if it all ends up the same way in the end?

I can't just say that it's okay and everyone is just 'like that', because not everyone is like that. I AM LIKE THIS not because other people are 'like this'. I am like this because I am selfish, ungrateful and have never learnt anything from the many painful lessons I have been through. How can I drill this into my brain? How? How many times have I already said, "I'll try to be a better person." and yet all the time I haven't made much improvement. I might not hate myself in the past but I am beginning to despise myself for being who I am. I cannot accept the slobby side of me, the me who takes everything for granted, but then again I cannot chase it away by screaming, "GO AWAY. I'LL DEFINITELY GET RID OF YOU!" because then, it would be the same mistake. I will, again, forget about saying it and then revert back to square one. There is no point in me setting down resolutions when I never never keep them.

It has been an extremely confusing blog entry and till this point I think I'm a rather hopeless person, but what the heck... ... Do I really have to go through real hell before I actually appreciate that I'm not there?

**carrie**

Carrie Finally Blogs
Tuesday, December 07, 2004 11:05 AM

I'm back from Kuala Lumpur the land of incessant honking cars, bad air pollution, cheap food, and pirated goods. It is also the land of cheap chewing gum. =)

Actually, I've been back from KL for about two days now. Pretty long time, been resting, going out with my dearie Wei Sheng and kinda lying low for awhile. My back hurts rather badly and my legs are almost all gone, my waist feels thicker than usual, but I'm finally pulled magnetically to write. Okay. I'm actually pulled by guilt to write. Wei Sheng has been blogging while I play and eat (alot of seafood) and I should start blogging like usual and NOT procrastinate like the lazy bugger that I am now that I'm finally back after four days of holidaying over the causeway.

I won't go into really cool details about my trip to KL although I wrote in my trusty conventional black plasticy covered note book diary, I won't post them out here. There are way too many I Love Wei Shengs and I miss my dearies in my written diary entries. Not much KL holiday content. More like me pining away my Malaysian holiday nights. =) But I'll just sum it all up.

After like 8 hours of travelling on coach reading CLEO (Yes, I took Cherlynn's advice and got that thick mag) and just staring for hours on end at the vegetation and lack of it for about 220KM all the way to KL. Spent the first day going totally insane, jumping beds, messing around in our newly checked in (but horribly smokey smelling) suite. It was cool, with a TV on a swivel which enabled us to watch the TV anywhere in the suite. And the beds were great, the toilet was with two rooms... It was all in all the coolest hotel room ever. Went to roam the streets of Malaysia's Chinatown, also known as Petaling Street and also known as the country's cheapest haunt for the teens wanting to wear fake branded goods.

Petaling Street is a mini Singapore Chinatown. Yes, it looks like Chinatown, feels like Chinatown. Almost felt at home there. The streets were chock-full of teens (mainly Ah Bengs and Ah Lians), and ang moh tourists. Oh right, and there were the Singaporean tourists. You could really identify the Singaporeans. They spoke with the Singlish accent and there was the inbuilt unmistakenable bargaining skills.

That place was bustling, smokey and really really crammed. Loved the seafood (read: giant yummy juicy prawns), loved the cheap clothes (all almost less than 5 Singapore dollars if you bargained hard enough). Learnt how to bargain from my father. =) Never seem TOO interested in their stuff and they will beg you to take it for cheap. Hehe.

Yeah. Basically that was it for the day. Spent the second day in the huge indoor amusement park. Okay. It wasn't huge. It was rather small, but the rides there are KILLER material. Thrill rides were painful, the family rides were cute. I enjoyed the roller coaster so much I rode it like more than 6 times. But after playing most of the rides I got sick, vomitted and stuff. So my dad sent me back to the hotel suite while my sister played like mad until late. Went to Petaling Jaya AGAIN. =) And then went to eat Long John Silver back at the Berjaya Shopping Centre. Yeah. Dirt cheap food. I think the cheap food was the highlight of the trip. Spent most of the trip eating. I bet I grew fat.

Third day was spent visiting the Twin Towers. Yeah. The Petronas Twin Towers known as the tallest towers in the world, or so the brainwashing video said. Took loads of photos. Blah. Went shopping at the shopping centre near the Twin Towers. It was the only shopping centre I saw which had a Billabong store and a Quiksilver store. I was pleasantly surprised. Haha. But I didn't buy anything. My dad didn't let me go in. =C

Ate at Kenny Rogers' and well, the chicken was great. =D Haha. And then we went down to Petaling Street. Yesh. Again.

Sheesh. My sissy threw her worst tantrum. I got pretty pissed with her for the first time on the trip. Left her to rot and didn't talk to her. It worked out in the end.

Forth day was spent packing up and checking out, loitering at the arcade and eating at that cool noodle house at a monorail stop nearby. Even though it was the last day, my sister still pissed me. Oh well. It worked out fine as usual. Everything was okay at least until my sister realized she lost her handphone. =X Yeah... AGAIN!

My dad controlled himself. I could actually imagine if it was in Singapore, he would blow... Like a balloon and burst in her face. But well, my dad contacted the hotel and they found it in the hotel suite on the bed. Oh thank goodness. =C I cannot imagine my dad exploding every few seconds. Kinda hectic. Finally boarded the coach at about 3.15pm. Yeah, and it was straight home after that. I already read CLEO like hundred of time during the bus ride to KL so on the bus ride back to Singapore. So... What did I do?

Hehe. I spent the whole trip back looking out the window and staring at signs, greenery and the lack of it. Thought of my dearie all the way home. Missed him a whole lot during the four days. I couldn't call because I had no cash and I couldn't use the IDD hotel phone because my dad didn't allow me to. But I'm really dumb, could have gone to a public phone or something, but it just didn't cross my mind. =C I really missed him a whole lot those four days. I kinda got VERY homesick from the second day on and everytime I thought about Singapore (which was mainly when it gets quiet and before I sleep), I'd start missing my dearie all over again. Teared every night, and my nose was always blocked at night (even if I didn't cry). Eventually cried in the bath on the third night. Rather terrible. Had nightmares too.

Well... =) I never loved Singapore more. I now truly appreciate the beauty of Singapore. The system and the sight of high rise flats make me happy. It's like all the small things... The streetlamps that I now realize I appreciate. It's strange. Really. That I never noticed all the small things about Singapore before. I now do, and I now realize how stupid and thick I have been never to love all this about Singapore. =) And most important of all, I now really realize how much I miss Wei Sheng and how much he means to me. I love you dearie... MuackxX!

Spent yesterday with my dearie. Watched alot of bands jam at Orchard Jam. I loved spending time with him. =D I wanted to tell him how really really alot I missed him, but I just kinda didn't say it. Kinda weird that I didn't just say it... ... But I really wanted to tell him that.

**carrie** (loves Wei Sheng and just Wei Sheng and no one else and hopes we will never be apart)

P.S: I actually watched Channel News Asia during my stay at the hotel. Learnt about Taufik's win and rejoiced.

missing carrie (few thousand years)
Saturday, December 04, 2004 5:36 PM

sorri, my bad, its only been three days. felt like forever because i just heard carrie's voice on a commercial when i was on air just now. usually when i'm on air i play the commercials while i watch the news but this time when i heard her voice i was like "!". the audio neurons in my ear that sent the message to my brain prolly recognised the voice. the trusty neurons in my brain thus synapsed to my adrenalin glands to secrete adrenelin to wake me up from my fixation on the newpaper. i thus realized that, wow, i haven't heard her voice for quite a while. usually i get used to her voice but that moment my brain knew i was missing her. thank god for chemical transfer. literally. i bet its gonna be a conditioned reflex soon.

enough about bio, i managed to get carrie's present! but sadly for a higher price than usual because the other cheeper shops didn't have the certain quality i wanted in it. its nothing much just part of the present. lucky for me i managed to spot it just in time (was about to settle with another quality). well actually wanted to go town with kenneth this morning but then i woke up feeling very "blade 2" so i watched it. oh yea i borrowed "oceans 11" from him too and "austin powers 2" which i haven't watched yet. how ironic, cuz kenneth went himself to get what he wanted while i watched his movie at home. oh yea about oceans 11, i realized something that has to do with 11 which are my kids! but i won't have them doing illegal stuff unless they seriously have brains (inherited from carrie, recessively inherited by me). if not a nice and honest job would be fine (soccer team + medics). well so how did i get to town in the end? just as i was about to leave home for town su called and he and faisal wanted to go town (again) to finish what we didn't do. buy collision course (which i conveniently mistook to be crash collision) and my present. we finished part2, but after faisal's apparent 1 hour hogging of the testing zone for that [LPJZ] cd, we didn't have to buy it anymore. so much for testing zones. he practically finished listening to all the songs. spent my time with jazz and robbie williams. after that went for my parents anniversary dinner. at west mall. at kopitiam. and went home. wanted to get a new hp but i'd have to wait till jan 16. no problem waiting. lets hope my 6510 survives.

oh about kenneth wanting to buy something at orchard. it was the pinseulur thing, something spelt like that, which teaches people different languages. he's learning russian for some reason. i guess he likes russia alot. i'd prolly take jap. oh yea, did i tell u it costs $512 dollars. i'd rather get a nice hp. well now i'll just make some notes for what i want to do after the o's before i forget again.

1. spend as much time with carrie as possible
2. wrap carrie's present
3. learn japanese by csome cheaper method (maybe from carrie)
4. learn the morse code and teach carrie
5. finish writing and perfecting some songs on guitar (to play for carrie)
6. all the other things that don't involve carrie.

okay. it goes by importance from no.1 onwards. haha. like i would actually follow that order. i usually do what i feel like doing. but well i hope i get it in order, in case i feel like doing something but i don't want to.

carrie's coming back home tomorrow. hope its in the afternoon. oh, carrie if u see this call me if i'm not online yea. i'd like to feel that neuron thing again. quite interesting response. i might learn how to condition my other reflexes with such interesting information (ducking bullets, ect.). sweet dreamz and popcorn chicken dreams tonight too. the next time i go out with u, that's the first thing we'd eat. =D peace.

_weisheng_ (misses carrie)(and is going to be late for tomorrow's acapella performance)

missing carrie (day 2)
Friday, December 03, 2004 5:21 PM

yup day 2 of carrie's departure. still no call still no newspaper reports on malaysian accidents. bad news good news i suppose. i wonder why carrie still hasn't gotten a line to call back yet. i wonder if her dad calls back too. hmmm...

oh well, nothing much to write today too thou, went for acapella, did only percussion, so nothing really that tough. came home, watched OCEANS 11 thanks to kenneth's wonderful DVD and my mom's new DVD player. great show, i wonder why i missed it in the first place. maybe i thought it was just one of those films again that overly-showcased brad's sexyness? not this one. i've come to realize i love intellectual shows. something like csi, paycheck, oceans 11, where the scriptwriter was prolly some white haired dude who goes crazy once in a while and has to be kept in some padded prison while he writes his script. its one hell of a thinking process. its not like those movies which try to act smart by making things seem confusing. those movies prolly needed sad people who can't write well but love to make money. ok, bad judgement, but what's wrong with sarcasm hey? haha. i shall just go read books. da vinci. yup. i dunno anything else thou.

oh cool, blog's finally been called a word. now i won't have to worry about being too unenlgished when writing the word blog. that's like one out of the few hundred words not in the dictionary that i write out. 2 of which are "unenglished" and "prolly". i shall submit a letter to oxford soon.

i'm just trying my best to think of something to write now but its kinda just a blank for me. i shall start planning on the new layout. carrie doesn't want to do it! sheesh! haha. i have not enough recources thou. need something that carrie and i haven't gotten yet. hmm. about getting things, i must remember to try for carrie's present again. something which seemed so common couldn't be that hard to find right? or is it common at all? oh well. i wonder if carrie's gonna come home like tomorrow. KL isn't very fun if u stay there for too long. am i trying to convince myself again? ok! peace!

_weisheng_ (keeps carrie in his heart)

ps: popcorn chicken dreams to carrie!

missing carrie (day 1)
Thursday, December 02, 2004 5:30 PM

hohoho, its been one day since carrie left. i hope she's having lotsa fun! riding roller coasters, swimming at some fun theme park (hopefully) while i waste my days after o's as normal. well if for some reason dearie if u managed to get some internet connection there, or if you have radiation powers to log into the internet by some phycological telekinesis ways i just wanna tell that i miss u! and taufik won! woo hoo! i'm actually quite happy that taufik won (over the moon) but i shall not throw my happiness around too much. sly fans are prolly scheming something now, i can just smell it. well people have different opinions and diff ideologys, but at least for now singapore's music industry isn't hurt and is in safe hands.

well about today, didn't really do much, woke up to faisal's call (almost thought it was carrie's, damn) to go orchard. lucky for him i was about to go there too. unluckily for me i didn't manage to finish what i wanted to go there for, which was to get carrie's christmas present. watched the kranks thou, kinda christmas type of show, didn't really make me laugh thou, i think prolly only the americans would get it, not us singaporeans. sadly we couldn't watch "after the sunset" because faizal couldn't take kissing scenes and sexy stuff, so its gonna be a "half watched" show for him. then we couldn't watch saw because its too gory, and shutter because its gone. waiting for three movies now, blade trinity, oceans 12 and national treasure. Anyway i just have to get her present next time.

so its day 1 of missing carrie and more days to come! she didn't call today thou, but i bet she's safe. although i did hope for the van (or lorry or bus) that was driving her to stall during the trip across the expressway or on the way to the checkpoint, or for her dad's passport to be overdued, or for those robot-transforming machine ships of the navy to wander to the dark side and shoot down both links to malaysia, if anything like that did happen, she'd prolly call by now. anyway if anything were to happen to her i would also have felt it in my heart. so i bet she's safe. it may look like i'm trying to calm myself down to not worry, but i'm chillin! really!

i'll be waiting for your return. at least she wouldn't be eating too much instant noodles at KL. the food is good there. ok, ok, i know, i'm chillin! bright side! peace!

_weisheng_ (wishes carrie popcorn garlic chicken dreams and goodnight. loves carrie)

missing carrie (day 0)
Wednesday, December 01, 2004 6:30 PM

yup. its day 0 of missing carrie! this prolly would go until day 3 or possibly 4... before i say anything, i'd like to say sorri to carrie for not being there to send u off even to sleep tonight! i'll do it here so hopefully the sandman that creates dreams for people would read it and give u all the garlic pepper dreams u want so that u can even swim in it and get lost. so you'd prolly have to eat your way through but since its a dream u won't get fat! how cool is that?

well firstly with today's events, finally a prom night! new principal rocks! 30th november marks a new prom night for us sec4s. and what's a prom without a band playing eh? what other band than zero infinity! started the day in the morning with carrie haha (thanks for the breakfast!), to bring her to see the REAL giant (compared to the bedok one its a dwarf) in jurong east! i'm just hoping carrie would move here. i'm not giving up on the "midnight coffeeshop" dream where i can have all my dinners with carrie (and our future eleven kids) at some coffeeshop! well after that had to go home, showered while carrie watched iron chef (damn, iron chef won AGAIN) then headed to bukit batok to meet su and hanafie. ate at the newly renovated kopitiam and met jue yi (and his friend's superior amp compared to mine) and then headed over to southhaven 2 to get the drums. took a lorry (yes a lorry, not van) to crown prince. thankz dearie for helping to carry the stands! thought about her the whole time during prom, hoping i'd make it back home in time (which i did not =( ). zero infinity performed great for prom, too bad she wasn't there to see. darren recorded it down thou so its possible for me to get the cd from him =).

i am really gonna miss her when she leaves. well i'm not really good in typing sweet stuff in a blog like she does but i love her alot. and yes she's getting skinnier and lighter! i'm not joking. its kinda hard for me to build up a convincing speech in a blog but she is! (especially after helping us to carry all the things) i'll be waiting for your call dearie. my hp will prolly always be in audible mode (so sorry to all the movie goers who enter the cinema i'm in). my message to her is simple. you fit into my life perfectly, i love u lots, and you'll be in my heart (yup i'm pointing at my chest) when your gone. sounds kinda werid, but i'm not really good at this sorta thing.

i'm prolly going to wake up tomorrow to send her off to make up for tonight. she's peolly sleeping sweetly now dreaming of popcorn chicken (refer to first para). popcorn garlic pepper chicken dreams (x3)! so i guess i'm gonna go chill now. peace!

_weisheng_ (will always love carrie)

Before I Leave
3:39 PM

I just have to blog before I leave. =) How Carrie is that? So very me.

For those of you who were lucky enough to have read the entry I wrote before I replaced it with this one, hehe, er... Forgive my mushy nature. I AM a girl. So I shall be forgiven! But... For all you other unlucky ones who never got to catch what I typed into this blog, awwiex. =P I saved you from overly mushy entry! Do thank me. =) I am so kind to have saved you from hair raising mushiness! Now, I am back, more organized, not that mushy but still more mushy than normal, and here to write. =D

Now everyone, I hope you don't miss me too much while I'm gone. =) My blog entries aren't THAT interesting. But if you missed the entries alot, do leave a tag. Yeah. I want to come back and feel my head blow up a bit because it probably will lose a bit of air in KL.

La dee la dum... I will now leave my message to Wei Sheng. Please do cover your eyes if you cannot tahan "rou maaaa" stuff okay?!

Hey dearie... I have just been told by my dad during dinner that I'll be taking both a TAXI and a COACH to Kuala Lumpur. So... That means I have to wake up at 5am in the morning tomorrow and leave the house by 6.45am. Or around there. So... ... If you actually happen to still be awake (for gawd knows what reasons) do give me a call okay? I will definitely miss you! Lots!

Hmmx... But like Cherlynn told me... You'll be here with me in my heart. =) Surely. So... While I sleep on the ride to KL, Berjaya Times Square, I will dream of you (DEFINITELY NOT about you liking ALAMIN!!!), you and only you being here by my side to keep me company. It's a long journey until around NOON. Must say that the frequent trips to and fro Jurong and those western areas of Singapore trained me up abit. I can now tahan an hour of doing NOTHING during train trips... So at least can salvage a bit of my precious sanity on my trip to KL. =X Woah.

I'll be back in 4 days... Don't miss me too much. =P I already do... Miss you. =) Will continue to miss you till I actually come back to Singapore on the 4th! And I WILL CALL and tell you how much I love you and have missed you throughout that four days!!! =P

Remember to bring yourself OUTSIDE to eat your lunch and dinner okay?! Don't sleep all day! Four days won't be THAT long...=X I hope! Well... I'm wondering if your prom MC-ing experience was great! I bet you did a great job as an MC. =) And... I bet Zero Infinity rawked Crown Prince UPSIDE DOWN!

And... Your hair is fine! =) You look great! You know what... The same way you feel about me being lighter these days... To me... You seem more shuai than when I first got to know you like ages ago and you never stop getting funnier and funnier and such a joy to talk to!! =D And... I feel very lucky to be your dearie. (I actually feel a little jealous whenever she messages you. =P) Can't imagine why you'd actually pick me over all the other very crazy and chio ones who probably have braces or something. =) But... I'm happy... VERY. Because I love you. More and more with each passing second, minute, hour, day and month. Cliched as it sounds- it's true. I really do feel that way about you. (WOW! It rhymes wor!!!)

And although I'm continually pressured, because you're so well received around girls, to be a good girlfriend, I don't mind. =) The stress is worth it. Not because you give me more than enough love to send me through each night peacefully, but because... You just make me feel happy everytime I see you. =D And you make me smile no matter how bad I'm feeling. I LOVE YOU!!!

I'm sorry I was late this morning... =P I know it's too late. But I really am sorry... ... I felt really bad about it. So bad that I was worrying while I was on the train and even when I was waiting for you near the interchange. I hope it didn't reflect in my voice or anything while I was calling you or when I finally met you at Jurong East.

Well... If I fall asleep before you reach home... I hope you read this and have a wonderful nights sleep. Don't worry about the impossible. =) I love you dearie... I love you... Great sweet dreams to you... ...

**carrie** loves Wei Sheng so much that it hurts to think we'll be apart for 96 hours and possibly more. LOVE YOU.