a nightmare would be a life without you

Hopeless Musings
Saturday, December 11, 2004 7:25 AM

It is so very very strange how I can be here at my computer, complaining about it being a pain to work because it lags so increasingly much, complaining about every single thing I've come across and yet realize almost immediately (not for the first time) after coming across something that I've been so absolutely foolish. Some how, no matter how many times realization dawns on me, time after time after time I still revert to my 'old' pathetic ways- probably committing all of the seven deadliest sins the moment I forget about this 'realization'. What is the point of me realizing that I've been a such a fool when a day or two later I stop appreciating life and I start being such an ingrate for the life that has given to me by complaining about it. Why have I not learnt to embrace life as it is and be grateful for it? Why do I time and again, continue to bitch about it and never learn to treasure it for what it is instead of pointing my accusing fingers each time something "undesirable" happens. Will I ever learn?

It's almost like a ritual, a cursed one, that I should be foolish, then realize I have been so, try to change and then yet again revert back to being another fool on this planet. Is it just me, or does everyone behave this way? But then again, not everyone takes things for granted the way I do. I just don't understand myself and the way I do things. Why do other people find themselves changed while I just find myself back to where I started. So what if right now I say, "Hey! I've had enough of myself (again) and I'm gonna be a better person. Hey yeah! Nothings gonna stop me now!" and then stupidly I'm evil, malicious and bitingly painful a couple of days later. Defeats the blardy purpose. What's the use of being remorseful if I don't ever learn from my repeated mistakes? So what if I constantly feel guilty about my ungrateful behaviour? What difference does it make whether or not I am 'sorry' if it all ends up the same way in the end?

I can't just say that it's okay and everyone is just 'like that', because not everyone is like that. I AM LIKE THIS not because other people are 'like this'. I am like this because I am selfish, ungrateful and have never learnt anything from the many painful lessons I have been through. How can I drill this into my brain? How? How many times have I already said, "I'll try to be a better person." and yet all the time I haven't made much improvement. I might not hate myself in the past but I am beginning to despise myself for being who I am. I cannot accept the slobby side of me, the me who takes everything for granted, but then again I cannot chase it away by screaming, "GO AWAY. I'LL DEFINITELY GET RID OF YOU!" because then, it would be the same mistake. I will, again, forget about saying it and then revert back to square one. There is no point in me setting down resolutions when I never never keep them.

It has been an extremely confusing blog entry and till this point I think I'm a rather hopeless person, but what the heck... ... Do I really have to go through real hell before I actually appreciate that I'm not there?

**carrie**