a nightmare would be a life without you

Last Day Alive
Tuesday, December 21, 2004 1:20 AM

I was in a taxi and the driver was speeding just because I said I needed to get somewhere quick. I don't remember who I was going to meet or where, I just know as we speeded down the black tar road, somehow it was against the traffic. The driver was weaving in and out of the on-coming traffic and it was freaking the hell out of me. No matter how many times I screamed and asked him to slow down, he wouldn't. The taxi was hurtling down this highway so quickly I dared not open my two eyes. They were left tightly shut.

I heard a screech and alot of frantic incessant honking from cars around us and I opened my eyes, only to realize that the driver was gone and I was alone, sitting beside an empty seat. The car had already crashed into the railing and I was flying off the highway in a 'runaway' taxi.

I don't know how to express my fear and I don't know how many scenes and before-death wishes passed through my head as I saw the car crash into a glass roofed building (seemed like an insurance building), but it was then that I realized I was looking at myself from a distance as my body and the taxi collided with the glass, shattering it and banging back to Earth. There was chaos in the building and everyone was starting to rush out.

I saw myself bleeding, I felt everything hurting, but I was not lying down dead. So what was I or where was I? I walked into the building, stepping on the shattered glass at the same time, and it hurt, so I couldn't be dead. If I was... Then why would I feel pain? But I was lying on the ground as well... So what was happening?! I was panicking so much. Then a receptionist who looked like she was shocked came over to me and dragged me out calling for the ambulance. No one knew that the 'me' crushed under the car was me as well... I was two utterly same persons at the same time, but only one of me was saved.

Nonsensical as it seems, with my head bleeding, everywhere, blood was gushing out, I was crying my lungs out trying to scream out to everyone that I was still inside the building, but no one took me seriously. I bet everyone thought it was my damaged head.

Fast forward to when I 'woke up'. I saw alot of people around me. I felt weak and everything. I knew I was dying. I KNEW it. I could feel it. If no one saved the real part of me, I would die soon anyway. So I panicked and I felt so alone! I have never felt so lonely in my life. No body would believe me. No body. Who would believe that I wasn't me but I was me?! I mean it was so confusing! Even I had difficulty believing I existed. My dad was looking at me, my mom was crying... My sister was playing her Gameboy. Then suddenly I asked them why my mom was crying and my dad told me that the crash had done something weird to my head and I would be able to talk but it would continue to bleed and strangely I could continue on living but only for one day with the help of technology. Live life as normal for one day.

I totally shut down. I didn't know what to do, or what to think. Then Wei Sheng entered the room with Zero Infinity, 48.4FM crew and some of my friends from school. I looked at them totally stunned. My last 24 hours... ... I didn't want to spend it in a hospital room. I told Wei Sheng and he looked kind of like he didn't really care... It broke my heart.

I haven't bought Wei Sheng's gift so I decided to go buy it, and somehow I found myself by some jetty, the sky was wonderful. It was deep cyan and pretty sky blue all at the same time and the clouds were extremely beautiful. My heart was filled with joy and I kind of forgot I only had less than 24 hours to live but I just went on trying to find Wei Sheng's present. (He went with me to that 'jetty' but I asked him to go sit on some bench nearby so he wasn't with me when I bought it.) I wanted to go Daiso to get a box to keep his present but Darryl told me that Daiso was closed this Saturday. But then something must have happened because I saw black and the next thing I knew I was looking at a doctor with Darryl, Wei Sheng and my dad. Yeah. The my dad part totally freaked me out.

The doctor was saying that I could not go do straining activities or else it would drastically reduce the hours I had left to live saying I should already treasure every single minute of it. My dad then looked at me and asked me, "Carrie, you go buy whatever you want, you only got one day left... It's okay. Daddy don't mind! Just buy what you want for Christmas or for yourself. Do what you want to do!" He said that in that fake cheery tone.

It was then that I cried, and Wei Sheng just stared at me, he was so nonchalant it made me want to cry more, and deep inside I really wanted him to just comfort me and tell me everything would be okay although it wouldn't... But he never did any of that. He just stared at me. Stared at me. Stared at me. And my dad asked me what was wrong.

And then I spit it all out, "I don't want anything. All I want is a happy family. A family that's complete, not just 'pretend' complete. I want my father and my mother to talk to each other naturally like friends even if they don't love each other. I want a family who can pick themselves up after every quarrel and who go out together... Not a split up family. BUT CAN YOU GIVE THAT TO ME NOW? NO. I will NEVER have a normal family to accompany me through my teenage years and I won't have one to accompany me through my adult years because my life will be ending soon and I will have NO adult life... And I have never had a happy family for my teenage years or at least how much I can live of it. So I ask of you now to try to stay together as a family. Please. Even if I don't have a happy family to confide in and go to I want Andrea to have one. She needs one. She needs one. Is that too much to ask?"

And I was crying all over. And all my dad did was keep quiet. Wei Sheng just sat there. He still didn't hug me or comfort me or do anything. I was so disappointed. I went over and hugged Wei Sheng but he just pushed me away. I cried even more because I was thinking if I ever had a happy family again... It would definitely have Wei Sheng in it... I'd introduce him as my boyfriend and bring him over for dinner on weekends and stuff... But I would never have a happy family and... I really wanted my family to be happy even if I died... And everything was so confusing and I couldn't think straight...

Then I woke up. Still crying. The blanket was all like wet in patches. And I had to tell myself it was just a dream. Keep telling myself its just a dream. I'm still tearing right now. I feel so pathetic to be so emotional over a puny nightmare... But this nightmare told me what I want most in life. I always bluffed myself that it was okay if I didn't have a happy family I'd get used to it... And I tell myself all the time that I want to be an air stewardess and have a zillion jobs, job hopping my life away and stuff... Thinking that is the whole want I have in life... But what I really want is a family, if not I wouldn't have had such a weird nightmare and I wouldn't have woken up crying and I wouldn't remember exactly how I felt or what I said in it...

But I wake up this morning and I tell myself after I've calmed down that it was a dream, a nightmare and I have a limited number of days left to live my life but it will be sufficient and that I should treasure everyone I love...

And yes... I'm going to love Wei Sheng even more than ever because... No because. I just will.

**carrie** (loves Wei Sheng so much so much so much!)