a nightmare would be a life without you

Recent Bouts Of Insecurity
Wednesday, December 29, 2004 3:25 PM

Before I start on this blog entry... I apologize for the negative feeling contents. It's rather private and (I hope) temporary, so don't worry too much about it. No fuss about it too. I'm human and although it worrying to see me writing all these, really, don't bother fussing about it. I'll be fine. If you're gonna get upset about what I'm going to write, or worried about me, I appreciate it, but please, don't bother. Don't start reading the entry. Basically I would write this in my own diary if I could find it, just couldn't find the diary, so I decided heck it, had to get this out of my system before I suffocated myself with my pillow, so here I am, blogging, ironically, what I don't really want anyone to know. Darn. Ironic thing to do, and here I am doing it.

There's something seriously wrong with me, something just keeps bothering me these past few days. I bet it's just a temporary state of mind. I hope it is, because whatever it is, I want it to go away soon.

I'm not someone who is soft-spoken and who wallows in self pity and insecurity. Everyone knows me for my loud-mouthed, headstrong, rather freaking stubborn nature. Sometimes I can be so fearless and confident, it freaks all my friends out and plus, I'm someone everyone thinks is rather evil because I do not really emphatise much with other people's predicaments or sorrows. I can never understand how they feel, and I'm always quite critical to their situations being so frank it hurts them. :( Bad point, I know. It's pretty hard to tone my straight forward biting self down, but for now... ... Whatever is happening to me is probably retribution.

But these few days. I'm being someone I don't recognize. Or rather, I'm feeling things I struggle very hard not to bow down to. I'm so afraid of being someone no one can be bothered with. I'm so afraid of being someone everyone feels is just so weak, so timid, so scared. And ultimately I hate the whole idea of being alone. It hits me again and again during meaningless times of day and before I sleep. I'm surprised... No, shocked that I haven't been having nightmares yet. I feel very helpless because now I cannot help how I'm feeling and I feel like bawling many many times. I hate to cry. I hate to cry. And I hate it even more because of why I feel like bawling my eyes out. This melancholy is over-powering me, invading my mind, my heart, my soul.

I'm so insecure. I hate insecurity. I hate insecurity. I hate being insecure. All in all, these few days, I hate myself for being who I don't want to be. I cry I cry and I cry somemore. But for what?? I don't know. And for once I'm not saying I don't know because I don't want to say anything, but because I really don't know. I'm really clueless, I'm really facing a question mark.

Maybe this is what being constantly jealous feels like. It may feel cute to begin with, but its such a horrible feeling after time. It's not because I hate the person I'm jealous about, because it makes me feel insecure. It makes me feel like I'm not worth anything. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough. It makes me feel like I'm not the right person. It makes me feel lousy about myself. So this is the real side of jealousy. This is the real side of jealousy. :( I now see why it's one of the seven deadly sins. I see why God declared it something evil. Just two words, I see. It's not always cute when it lingers on like perfume. The first whiff is beautiful, sweet, endearing, but constant drifting linger is a horrible smell. A stench no longer an aroma. The novelty is lost.

Is this the stress of being with someone whom many are attracted to? Because I am not someone who is attractive to many, I feel extremely... ... I can't explain that feeling. It's a strange mix. A very strange mix. The same kind of insecurity (How do you describe insecurity? It's so bitter... But its more than just bitter...) I felt when I was with Yong Jiang. Unlike Yong Jiang, many people tell me that my dearie is nothing like him. Alot of people say I must must treasure Wei Sheng, because he's everything a girl wants and because he loves me (possibly) a lot more than I love him. And I used to agree. But if he loves me more than I love him, why do I feel so... WEIRD. I HATE MYSELF FOR BEHAVING LIKE THIS. FOR EVEN FEELING LIKE THIS!

If Wei Sheng reads this, he's surely gonna ask me whats wrong with me. I have no idea. I really love him, no doubt and I don't think that I want this is blow up in any argument. Just today one of his accapella friends said, "You all never quarrel one ah? So good." Or something along those lines. Yeah. I hope nothing blows. I hope he doesn't get angry with me just because I'm typing what I'm typing. I'm not doubting him. I'm doubting myself. I'm always so afraid to bring it up whenever I'm feeling insecure because I don't want to lose him, and I don't want him to misunderstand me... I'm not good with words which is contrary to what people believe. But I am not good with words. My command of English is good. But I am not good with words.

Bouts of insecurity. Bouts of insecurity. Again and again. I hope they go away soon. So I can love my dearie like before. Seriously, right now, I'm feeling so lousy about myself. I can't believe it's me!!! I can't believe it's me. It's frustrating!

I don't know how to tell anyone about this. I don't know how to talk to anyone. I don't really feel like I've anyone to talk to about this... I mean... It's just so... It's such a touchy topic. The straight in my face me would tell myself that, "Chey... Why you liddat. Have more faith mar. You always tell other people that. Why now no faith in yourself? No faith in him? Silly girl." So I don't feel like telling anyone about it. Because conversation is pointless. I don't want people to tell me, "No lah... You're actually rather pretty what! Why no confidence in yourself?" Because I know it's never necessarily true. I used to love praises and reassurances like this... But now... They seem so useless. Because I know everyone out there is just out to say something to make me feel better. It is not the truth.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I cannot believe I said all that. But I am feeling like this. I start missing my long hair... My 'shu nu' long hair. And I regret snipping it all off. And I feel so ugly. I feel so ugly. And I have never thought of myself as ugly. I don't feel good about myself. I feel horribly fat. I think I have a horrible personality and I'm not at all attractive. Not at all. This is not modesty here. It's how I really feel. Oh my God. I feel terrible. Terrible. I've eaten chocolate, yet those feel-good hormones are not doing anything. I feel so hideous.

On my way on the train to City Hall today, I was looking at alot of girls and I feel that, everyone of them are prettier than me, slimmer than me, and are cuter than me. How the heck can I feel this way? I mean, I'm special what, I definitely have something unique in me that others don't have. But I just feel like this. So lousy about myself. This has gone on for a few days already. And as each day pass I see more and more pretty girls and it's not envy anymore or admiring glances. It's now I look and I feel, "Hey... I am actually pretty ugly." So how on Earth did I come up with the, "I don't think any girl is ugly lor. It's only pretty or not pretty." Because I am ugly... Or even if not ugly... I am not pretty. And I feel sad just thinking about that.

Really... And reading one of the blogs about him oogling... It actually affects me. And all along I feel that guys have the right to oogle. I have never ever felt this bad about my dearie oogling. But it does for now. Recently. I wonder why. It's just so different. It's just not me. I'm not like this. And is this depression? :(

I'm so sorry Wei Sheng. I may seem like such... I'm so unattractive now... :( Being so unconfident of myself just makes me even more unattractive but I can't help it... ...

**carrie** :(