a nightmare would be a life without you

A Different Morning
Wednesday, January 26, 2005 12:24 PM

Today was really different.

I procrastinated waking up, but I wasn't even rushing to school at all. Woah. That was like so incredible. I was taking my own sweet time strolling down to the bus stop, waiting patiently for the bus and then slowly walking to school admiring the orange sky. The sky was so different. Felt very sweet to look at and everything was bathed in this beautiful orangey yellow glow. Seriously been some time since I've last seen something that pretty. My only thought the whole trip to school was, "I wish Wei Sheng was here to see this." :)I wonder if he did. All my friends didn't. It was so weird lah. On the bus, there weren't any Dunmanites at all... I was like the only brown skirt roughing it out... So if I was the only Dunmanite to take Bus 9 on that sunrise bus... I was the only one to see that particular sunrise. Haha. It was just special lah today. Hope he got a beautiful view over at the Western side of Singapore.

First period was Irene Poh. Totally great lesson. Seriously. I look forward to the Geog periods each week! Like heck, it's the only thing keeping me alive at this moment. I suddenly REALLY enjoy humanities. It's like I'm deprived of a regular dosage of Irene Poh and I'm lapping it all up come every Geog lesson. Haha. :) Irene Poh was talking about the cons (just the cons) of Online Matchmaking, sharing her friend's unfortunate brush with it. Haha. She commented about the crazy blogs that people on the whole online dating thing have. And weird. It just proves that men and women talk about totally different things.

Gah...

Had a marshmellow from Poh herself. She's a good teacher, can't help but like her and it's seriously not because of the marshmellow. But heck it, almost died after that. Haha. Sleepy like I haven't slept in years and I've had more than enough sleep what! :X Heh. Must be the marshies.

Heh. :)

It's a pretty long entry today... Haven't been writing much recently lah. That's just one reason. Another is because it's just a good day! :D Feel rather happy!

Beautiful special Tuesday.

I think I was a pretty effective marriage counsellor to Alien Fishball and Xiao Yun! Alien Fishball was rather pissed about stuff and Xiao Yun was just upset over something she didn't want to tell him about. :) Although I just sat around and listened out and loosened things up by joking and crapping alot and stuff and making them (mainly Alien Fishy) stop feeling so pissed... We hung out at the playground near school. Was pretty fun trying out the new stuff there. Feels great to use all the work out equipment all wrong... Like the leg exercise thingy as a swing. Haha. Anyway, I think they (TY and XY) really really rock. I know they can't stand each other... AND YET!!! They never fail to work it out. Surprises me. :) They are a great couple lah. Heheh. Why don't they see it themselves? Hmm... Anyway, Alien Fishball sort out a couple of stuff and they were pretty happy rest of the day. Heh. I'm considering Marriage Counsellor as a job option leh.

Heh.

And today doesn't just end like that.

It just gets better...

Looks like the stars are all out today. No clouds blocking the sky. Dearie told me. :D He called me just to tell me. So sweet of him. This makes today an absolutely SUPER day. :) I wonder how many people had a day as good as mine today. :D

To make my super day extremely duper... I'll go call dearie later on. Heh. :) And then go start on my Valentine's Day project. :P

**carrie** (loves wei sheng!!! and hopes he had a super duper day today!)

P.S: Wei Sheng just called to tell me the moon is exeptionally round today. Heh. Look how good today is has turned out to be. It's days like today that make me feel less tired about Pre-O'level life.

Oh... And I just read a casual friend's blog... She sounds pretty down and the stuff she's doing to herself pains me as in I just feel so sad knowing that she's down about life and theres nothing I can do cos' I don't really know her that well and I just dunno how to start up a conversation with her anymore after that whole thing ended. Gah... I hope she gets herself together again soon.

BLARGGGHH!!
Sunday, January 23, 2005 3:23 PM

This is so frustrating. It's worse than being pregnant... To be stuffed full with oily food feels very bad. Horrible. Ahhh-ified! Freaking horrible. Ran in and out of the toilet for the third time. Wah... Vommitted alot of sour stuff... Shouldn't have taken so much sour stuff. :( Couldn't help drinking the VERY sour Sprite Lemon thingy that they were giving for free... And the sour plum juice was very very nice! Paying for it right now. Bah. I feel a little itty bitty better right now after three rounds of gastic juic-ified blarghing into the toilet bowl. :S

Anyway, I feel so bad for being angry with dearie yesterday!!! Aiyo... How could I be such a petty person. Seems like a VERY bad case of miscommunication. Aiya... I feel horrible leh!!! :( Not his fault lah actually. Shouldn't have lost my cool leh. Should have just calmed down and think through stuff slowly... If I had thought through everything logically, I wouldn't be so mad with him lor!! Woah... To say my reaction yesterday was petty is an understatement. :S Heh. I'm so sorry dearie for being mad with you.

Seriously, I can't seem to stay mad at anyone for a long time. And I definitely can't stay mad at my dearie for more than ten minutes after he apologizes... I feel so awful after that. :S Gah...

SORRY DEARIEEEEEEEEEEE! MuackxX! I love you!!! I'm so sorry I was mad at you dearieee!

Went out with my mom today for some very rare mother-daughter bonding. We went shopping lah. I mean what else do mother and daughters do? Of course go shopping lo. And I am a terrible shopper. I just couldn't find anything I wanted and when I did, I have a terrible size. I can never find the size I want. So in the end we went from Wisma Atria then to Fareast Plaza... From there we went down all the way to Heeren and then to Cineleisure. I only found a skirt I liked at Cineleisure lah, which my mom thought didn't sell clothes. Lolx. She was like, "Cineleisure got sell clothes one ah?" So I got a skirt from there lah. It's a bit shorter than what I wear normally because the length of skirt I always wear ceases to exist anymore. :( Oh yeah... And cute sleeved shirts that are simple and plain no longer hang from the hangers of the clothes stores. :( So my mom said, "Don't care lah." And she was trying to brainwash me that I actually wasn't that fat and stuff like that to make me feel better. In the end we still couldn't find tops in Cineleisure... So we went down to Bugis by MRT.

Walked and walked and walked... Gahhhh. Finally bought this halter which my mom spotted lah. My mom told me and insisted that it was the cutest thing she saw today. So I try lor... (It's pink by the way. Haha. Aiyo.) And bought it. SO I FINALLY FINISHED MY CHINESE NEW YEAR SHOPPING!!! And I bought stuff I don't usually wear... Like halters and short skirts... Hmmx... Dearie should be proud of meee! Haha. Cos I'm taking his advice and trying to think I'm not THAT fat lah. I was overjoyed okay!!! ;) Heh. We went to walk a bit after sitting down for fifteen minutes chatting about Ngee Ann Poly and Mass Comms. I told her I kinda wanted to do journalistic writing leh. She was a bit weirded out by that idea I think but after that she was like okay okay with it lah. She still thinks (like all of my friends) that I should be a newscaster. Which I don't think is a good idea!!! :X Haha.

I caught sight of a VERY nice purple top for my mom and for once my eyesight wasn't that pathetic... SHE LIKED IT LOR!!! Heh. *I'm so proud of myself!* Haha. I felt it would definitely look good on her although she was a bit reluctant to try on the purple one at first. HEH! She tried in the end due to my persuasive powers of speech. :) She bought it in the end... Hohoho. I feel reassured that I have a tinny bit of fashion sense because I absolutely cannot pick my own clothes... :X

Hmmx. Lalala. Awwiex. I feel alright already. :D Probably vomitted everything I needed to be rid of already. I wonder if dearie is tired with his homework. Wonder if he's taxed or saturated... Ehh...

I love my dearieee... :) Gonna stay up until he completes his homework. (I hope I don't sleep lehh!)

**carrie** (loves wei sheng!!!)

Weisheng is still here
Friday, January 21, 2005 3:58 PM

haha yea i am. sorry about not really updating, cuz jc life is really quite packed already. sometimes can stretch till 1715 to finish lessons and CCA's stretching till about 7 plus. buts its all pretty interesting. Homework given is actually really not that much, it just seems like alot only because there wouldn't really be any time to do it. you reach home u bathe u fall asleep on the bed or get hooked with CSI (like me) and sleep. so well the weekends are coming so i'm pretty fine with finishing up all my work then, and seeing carrie! highlight of weekends cuz its pretty hard for me to squeeze her in on weekdays, considering that i actually signed up for a few CCAs.

well anyway just to give a bried introduction to my new timetable (redone to suit our needs) the latest it ends is now actually 1615, thanks to our Fmaths teacher by squeezing both here 1615-1715 slots into our breaks. that means less breaks and more lessons. good side bad side, but then i'd rather school end early to refrain from brain drain. and yes, that rhymes. we have 2 pe lessons a week, one hour each on tue and thu which we spend either training for X-country or playing games. the lecture and tutorial system is pretty neat considering that u get more freedom to revise what u want to but then the sad thing is that we don't get an official classroom. just to make it clear, its not really that tough coping up currently. everything seems to fit it quite properly.

my classmates are pretty cool, but i'd still decide on my OG mates over them (no offence). i was afraid of being surrounded by nerds in a double math double science combi but everyone is pretty fine. i'm finally in a class with more guys too, about 8 girls in a considerably small class of 26. and CCAs i'm in guitar ensemble and currently testing out the outdoor adventure club (ODAC), which so far seems quite interesting, so officially i've not really chosen any CCAs yet.

back to non school life i got a new hp! a nokia 6100. there's actually quite a long story behind this involving a sony erricson phone but i decided not to really speak on it now. anyway don't get the older cony erricson phones, very laggy. i decided nokia's the best for me. :D

well going off to sleep now my CG's having an outing at sentosa tomorrow don't really want to be late. peace!

_weisheng_ ( will miss carrie on weekends )

Hoiiiieeeeee!
Thursday, January 20, 2005 11:38 AM

I used to be addicted to screamin "Hoiiieeeeee!" (pronounced: hoy yee) whenever I was surprised. Kind of didn't know when I started doing that like Sakura did, probably too much cartoons. Whatever. Haha. It feels so cute to say "Hoiiieeeee!" again. Haha. Don't know what possessed me when I suddenly went "Hoiiieeeee!" today!

Heh, and I thought I was all grown up, over all that Jappy influenced phase. Looks like not quite yet.

Anyway!!! I'll just briefly say (very happily) why I am in such a good mood today. Due to mainly two things... =)

1) I cut my hair!
2) It doesn't look like shit!
3) I borrowed another Sherman's Lagoon comic from Tamp. Library!

Hohoho. Okay, maybe that's three things. I'm sooo happy! =) Can't wait to talk to dearie later. Mood is so great. My hair looks good!!! How long has it been since I smiled at a hairdresser!!! She was sweet lah that lady. Kind of old lah, but she was soooo friendly! =) She makes me feel all tingly and happy inside!

**carrie** (is VERY happy!)

Blog Reading For Dummies!!!
Wednesday, January 19, 2005 2:06 PM

This is another one of those days where I'll probably smack myself in the face for blogging about something that I will (in time to come) contradict. How many times have I done that already? Haha. That wasn't a question although there was a cute little question mark there. That was a statement.

Whatever it is, aiya, just came across another gross "blog-reader-pissed-with-blog-content-despite-disclaimer" incident. Been seeing those since the day I started blogging, but it wasn't until mid-last year when I had my hands on- playing a part in the whole fiasco (and a nasty incident it was indeed, quite unsettling too). And it did teach me a lesson or two which I will share because I think I haven't grown from the incident and might do it again so by blogging this I shall slap myself in the face for my stupidity when I actually repeat a mistake again.

Whatever it is, it taught me that everything on the web whether it may be nasty or nice or covered with the pasting of a disclaimer, is never hundred percent 'protected'. Lemme illustrate. The disclaimer is like a condom lah. Whether or not you wear it, there is still a risk of contracting some very very sexually transmitted disease or whatever and you might get AIDS also because a condom is just a piece of rubber. Same thing! Your disclaimer is just a patch of words on your blog, it doesn't guarrentee you safety at all! So like they always say, "Play safe! Abstinence!"

Don't blog about stuff with the mindset that a disclaimer gives you the right of speech. It doesn't. Accept the reality and unfairness of life. You are not living in the USA, you're living in a conservative Asian community in Singapore where little hints of displeasure is taken as a personal attack on mentioned person or people. We have been brought up with the thinking that our lives have to be private and all ours. Mentioning anything at all that doesn't just solely concerns you, even if it's your emotions and how you feel about the matter is seen as being a k-p-o and in the worst case scenerio, just plain makes that unreasonable person furious. But heck lah, that's how almost everyone feels anyway. It's like I already mentioned above- Abstinence. Don't mention everything. Some things just cannot be blogged, but then again, if you truly feel you have been wronged or just have to blog something before you explode and can't be bothered about the consequence, then hey, go ahead, just be prepared for the after-effects of all that destressing. Like panadol, dishing out angst does relieve, but it doesn't free you from the after-effects of taking those tinny weeny pills.

So having said that, now I can go talk about irritating 'blogders' which is what Wendy Cheng from xiaxue.blogspot.com calls blog readers. (She calls them 'blogders' not irritating by the way.)

Seriously, although I don't approve of using a disclaimer as a shield, I don't really like people coming into my site, reading off the contents and getting pissed over every little thing. (Heh. I haven't had people as bad as that, most had reasons to be angry in my case because I am one insensitive big meanie sometimes!) I'm just randomly commenting on an incident that happened to a friend of a friend.

I don't like it even more when teachers go over to blogs and read off the content.

It is not that I don't want them to, it's just that some teachers are just too immature to deal with the bitchings and rantings students occasionally dish out. That said, again I mean immature as in not mature enough which can mean many things. I mean it the positive way. I'd rather they not know what goes on in the students mind if they cannot take these super bad criticism with a pinch of salt. It gets really horrid, I know, and who can take it? They are human! This I know too. That is why they should just stick their noses to themselves where blogs are concerned. They just won't be able to handle it all. It's like what you don't know won't kill and no news is better than bad news.

Sometimes, curiousity doesn't just kill the cat. It kills the compassion and the empathy housed within. Thus, teachers should just stick to informal conferencing. What's with keeping in, going on friendster/blogs and getting all pissed. It's a STUPID thing to do. And I dare say it is stupid because it definitely is! You go online, stalk your students just to find something bad because no one stops until they find something bad and then get angry! If that isn't stupid what is?

Oh well...

I seriously don't know how to express alot of my feelings without going into extremes and I don't wish to do that, because it might hurt somebody! Our community just isn't open enough or mature enough to deal with free-expression lah. Accept the fact. Gah. Until the day my teachers and friends can accept negative comments without the constructive comments (because sometimes there simply just aren't any!) I will keep much of my feelings to myself. How to say, "Teacher I don't think what you did was right! Because it just isn't! Something tells me so! It comes from deep inside!" And get scolded. Heck. Get the drift?

And the teachers wonder why we don't tell them a thing.

Stupid question.

**carrie**

P.S: I miss dearie! Gonna call him later on. Heh.

About time... ...
Tuesday, January 18, 2005 11:38 AM

It's been almost a year.

Should be about time...

I think I should go for a little trim and layering by the end of the month?

Should I? Hmm... ...

It IS a matter of LIFE and DEATH for my hair...

Ho hum...

**carrie**

In Aid Of The Tsunami Victims
Monday, January 17, 2005 3:59 PM

Read title. Process title. Understand title.

Okay.

When that's done, please don't say, "AGAIN?!"

How many people have approached you with a metal tin can begging on the behalf of the tsunami victims all over Southeast Asia for your sympathy and insignificant donation. ALOT right.

But this time it's different! Okay, not that different.

My school held a mini-carnival in school grounds where all the secondary fours were obliged to take part in. In other words, it was either we did it and pumped in the hours for our CIP record or we go find something else to replace that CIP. Lazy kids like us would be contented just to help the tsunami victims via a fair instead of God knows what.

So I sacrificed my fingers (if I ever get cancer from all that chemical) in aid of the Tsunami Victims at the school mini-carnival! Heh. Mine was the hairspray stall. Yeah. AGAIN. Heh. Always the hairspray girl. And I'm sad to say, even after all that experience... I still suck badly at doing it.

Wanna thank my dearie for coming down all the way to ulu backwater Tampines just to attend the carnival... I felt so bad!!! He was so bored lor! Cos' I finished all the hairspray liow then he come. =S

Aiya.

The hairspray stall profitted at least two times the cost price which would roughly choke up to about sixty bucks of donations. And that doesn't include the thirty dollars the class donated for the sprays. So in total, the donation would be around ninety dollars right, left.

Not bad for ten cans of hairspray lah. :)

Lalala... Went down to Orchard with dearie after that. He was gonna go buy white shoelaces to tie his uniform *HOR HOR*.

So we went and buy. Basically spent whatever was left of Sunday at Orchard with him. Went to look at pins and stuff and dearie 'educated' me on how to wear hairclips and hairbands. I am such a failure... :X HEH. Can't even use a clip properly!!! Simple girl stuff oso don't know. I hope dearie gets better at this then he can teach our kids (like the girls lah!). If not... ALL MY LITTLE GIRLS WON'T KNOW HOW TO USE!!! :X Sounds very serious!

Haha.

Watched the Singapore V.S Indonesia match and didn't really know what's going on cos' the TV at the Foodcourt was soundless and I don't know a thing about football! Haha. It was cool, watched Singapore got two goals before we left at halftime. Lalala... ...

Eventually heard Singapore won lah! :) Cool stuff. See I am so freaking patriotic! :D MUAhah.

On the way home, kind of stood against the glass panels lah near the doors. And like diagonal from me were this bunch of noisy 17 or 18 year old guys, one of which was tying on red shoe laces to his red shoe. Haha. I remembered cos his old laces were exactly the same... Which I found weird, why would anyone buy new laces that look the same and are of the same colour?! Haha. Anyway...

I heard them saying stuff like, "Yeah. Blue. Nike one." in chinese lah. And stuff like, "You say get off... tampines, tanah merah, bedok, simei or pasir ris."

I realized they were betting on which station I was getting off on. :X

That's interesting. I have never heard of such a thing. Heh.

They thought I don't know ah! I'm not so stupid kay! I was staring at them through the reflection of the door!!! Haha. Cos' I a bit gutless lah... Don't dare start a staring incident. Heh. Then they were like not sure who they betting on then have to keep confirming, "The blue nike one right?" afterwhich always got alot of chorus of "yeah lah!"

When Bedok and Tanah Merah past, I heard some of them say, "Aiya..." Haha. Probably bet on me getting off there. Then one of them said something like, "Oh, not there liow left simei, tampines and pasir ris."

Then when I finally got off at Simei, they all laughed. :X Weird people. I guess alot of them didn't win the bet.

As I stepped out they still talk rather loud, "You go lah, the door only! Faster lah."

Probably forfeit or something.

Haha.

It's been ages since such weird stuff has occured on MRT trains. It's always a rather good laugh although it irritates me to death sometimes (like some St something school guys who tried to snap my photo with their noisy phone camera! they were very stupid to not switch off the snap sound...), but it's very funny when you think about it again.

Maybe should go target someone and start this betting thing with Xiao Yun and Ting Yan on which stop that person will get off. Haha. Then see who win. Sounds quite interesting. :)

I called my dearie!!! And wished him a goodnight somemore! I think it shocked him. Heh. He was like, "Why so good..." Haha. Wah... I caring also got motive one meh!!! :X Heh.

**carrie** (loves my dearie and is not having a brain malfunction when I call him!)

Digging Through Some Really Old Chatlogs
Saturday, January 15, 2005 1:28 PM

I'm not exactly digging lah, but you get the idea. Kind of read this chat log from ages ago... And it's very sweet to think that there was once I talked so nicely to people. Haha. :) It's very amusing. It's like being told again that I can be that friendly and talkative and entirely chit-chatty because I was once like that.

Time sure flies. As in literally, I can see it flapping it's wings and soaring far far away from me. It's weird but it's kind of sad when you start missing people. People that you haven't talked to in ages. People who were once such close friends... People who played a part in my life. It's like I kind of start thinking, "Do they miss me too?"

I miss chatting with Jeremy online because he always seemed so ambitious and courteous. Heh! And he was always so quiet, letting me yammer away-away-away non-stop. In my whole life I've seen him only twice, but he seems like one of the best friends I've ever had. Haha. There were the tears and the sad times, but can't deny how fun and exciting talking to him was. Haha. And how good my grades became thanks to all that motivational talk about A1s! Woah... That's a pretty long time ago! I wonder how he's doing. He's like one of those primary school friends lor. Only thing we weren't from the same primary school.

And I miss PN and Stephie! (I know! I'm saying this again!) I really miss them loads! It's like I rarely hear from them anymore. Although I chat with PN and Stephie every once in a while (make that like a really long long time), it feels so sad and lonely to know we're growing up and not actually talking that much to each other when we once had all those radical ideas and all that great fun together... How I miss those days. Really really miss those days. Cliched as it may seem, I believe a lot of my self confidence came from them. I did so many crazy stuff with them! I mean, it was like we always did anything! All the entreprenuership stuff- selling our glu-pen (we made them ourselves by investing in pens and uhu-gluing the outside with different colours to resell. It didn't sell in the end though, one of the ideas that didn't work out), the Weirdos Digest (I have been harping on this since forever! We really sold them! And we always ran profits! Haha. Great fun!) and loads of webbie stuff! I bet without them, Primary school would be oh-so boring, with the 'b' in capitals. Actually, boring would be an understatement. It would be meaningless! Haha. I miss them! I wonder if they miss me too!

I miss the OBS people! Really. I didn't enjoy OBS only because of YJ lor! Although people usually tease me about that. It was really cool to be in Ubin with all those great leaders from Balestier Hill Sec and Northland! They were so hyper and they were always to-go. Nigel was so funny! I miss him lor! Both Vanessas were so interesting to chat with! I miss them! Siti was so sweet and enduring! I miss her! And Jing Long and the rest were always so so quiet yet without them something would always be missing! I miss them! OH! And OSWIND!!! Our Yeah-yeah-yeah man. Haha. He rocked! I miss him too! (Oh yea! He was like my dustbin ah!!! Always giving him my food I couldn't finish!) Oh and Kevin, the one who really acted rather big-shot. I remember evilly wanting to toothpaste him at night! Oh what fun. Miss him too though. Haha. And of course I really miss YJ. Best kayak partner ever! I mean I can't imagine anyone standing my inability to get in the kayak lor! Haha. I was a pain! And he actually took my crap lack of kayaking ability! Haha. Don't really keep in contact with him or any of them anymore... Qinyi- miss her to bits, spent the night chatting with her during sentry duty. She was really a nice girl lor. I think she was one of the girls I felt really close to. Really miss her. But I don't contact them, not anymore. I just don't know when to call them and if I'll bother them. Stuff like that. And I'm not someone who usually calls people alot. (Only call Wei Sheng lahh! Cos' I'm pian xin! Must be pian xin to my dearie what!) Oh well... Maybe after the O'levels!

I hope I can meet all of the people I miss before I go on to my tertiary education... And even if I don't, I hope I can meet them again and kinda talk to them like buddies!

Really lor. Missing people feels weird. There's no remedy to missing someone except to meet the person. Otherwise known as keep in touch. It's like a lifelong thing. You never stop missing people forever, because after all they are friends and the only way to stop missing is to see them again. So when people die, and when you can't see them again and you miss them, you're sick forever because until you see them again, there is no remedy... :( Feels kinda sad to think about it this way. Heh. I think I'm feeling a tad bit nostalgic today.

Anyway, missing people isn't the only thing I started doing since reading those chatlogs. Haha. I'm falling in love with my dearie all over again!!! Haha. It doesn't mean I don't love my dearie now lah. But falling in love and being in love is different! Falling in love is cute. Being in love is sweet. So now I'm falling and being in love at the same time! Haha. Chatlogs are so cute! :) Love my dearie! Haha. He's so cute lor! Haha. I miss my dearieeeee!

**carrie** (falling in love with my dearie all over again!)

Driven Insane by Circumstances
Thursday, January 13, 2005 3:03 PM

I heard someone say this once, "I am not someone to be controlled by circumstances."

It sounds pretty 'cheem' and I've always felt like saying that but then again. I can't. Because I am controlled by circumstances! I'm insane! And I've become a fan of a cool-blue RPG starring Donald Duck, Goofy and this really cute looking (sadly virtual) forever thirteen year old kid who wears huge yellow (that's the only redeeming quality for such a boo-boo) Ronald Mcdonald type shoes.

What to do? Enchanted me with the cute clothing, versatile weapons (the keyblade can change keychain one leh!) and haunting melodies (can't get them out of my head). I have become one of those brainwashed idiots roaming the cos-playing world, except that I, fortunately, do not cosplay.

I am not paid (although I seem to be) to advertise for this very very outdated PSII game (according to Wei Sheng when I told him he could come play Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on my PSII after my O' Levels, "... by then come out PSIII already... [insert grumbles]...").

Yeah lah. Outdated. But I like. Heh. I apologize for the irritating midi I pasted into the page to haunt you people too. Heh. I heard I was successful. It has been haunting blog readers like you. Heh. Opps. Sorry! Heh. Couldn't control those tendencies... Music just too nice... Ah... :) I removed it, lest someone should die a haunted person. Wouldn't want that to happen.

WHEN IS KINGDOM HEARTS II COMING OUT? Has it come out yet?! It seems like it probably has and yet again no. ARGHH! WHEN WILL REDEMPTION COME!? I HOPE CONVENIENTLY AFTER MY O'LEVELS WHEREBY I'LL THEN MERCILESSLY TAUNT MY SISTER ABOUT HER SECONDARY THREE WORKLOAD AND EVILLY LAUGH MY HEAD OFF NONSTOP AS I PLAY AND PLAY!

Messenger isn't working. I'm not working.

It has been late for a weekday.

**carrie**

Promises.
Monday, January 10, 2005 3:01 PM

"Do u often have the feeling like... Some people always promise you stuff... Or agree and give you hope...
then just suddenly crush your hope in like... One second."

This was what one sad soul cried out to me today during an online chat session.

It's not like I haven't experienced this before, I just don't feel like I've understood how she felt. It's so weird to know you've have felt something similar before and yet feel like you haven't. It's just so strange.

I know who she was referring to, just wanted to make sure, so I joked a little. This joke method seems more cheerful and tactful compared to a straight-forward "What do you mean?" which was how I would have replied if this was asked, lets say last year.

And I was chatting with her and everything and I remembered everything. The stream of melancholy music just totally drama-ed my flashbacks... ...

Sitting by the phone on Saturdays while friends message and call me to ask me out, rejecting my friends because I know and trust that he will definitely call me and tell me that our outing is still on, calling him to find out otherwise after the whole day is over. "I'll call you tomorrow to confirm okay?" Always said, never done.

Walking up and down MRT stations, waiting. Rummaging for my handphone whenever I felt a little vibration. Realizing there hasn't been a vibration, calling him with no avail, no response. Hour after hour passed by. I remember sitting down behind a wall and touched the diary... Finally calling him to find out he was asleep. Hearing his flustered apologies, letting that sadness engulf me. Crying to that diary behind a wall at an MRT station, wanting to hate him and letting it all go yet not being able to.

Visiting him at his workplace only to know he didn't want to see me there. Looking shocked more than pleasantly surprised. Disappointment was me. I was disappointment. That feeling and me were one. Not being able to hate him when it all ended... Letting it end like it never happened.

When it ended I don't know if it was a miracle I got over all that pain so quickly. It's like when you let yourself be cut repeatedly by the thorns of a rose and when you stop holding a rose because it's winter, you find winter so beautiful and you realize everything that you missed out. You realize there's spring with the flowers and melting ice, there's summer with the perky sunshine, there's autumn with the beautiful carpet of brown... That's everything you've missed. Everything out there while stuck in a castle with no window or light.

That was all the memories and feelings that came flooding back and she apologized for making me remember everything sad and painful. But I think the real pain doesn't come from the memories. The real pain comes from knowing you haven't lived on.

I'm glad I'm living on. :) I'm not going miss out on everything there is to me. It's such a beautiful free feeling to feel as I am feeling now when I'm with my dearie. Being in love with him is like being sheltered in a house and looking out of the window thats there and seeing everything beautiful about everything else yet be away from the bad stuff every season holds. It feels... different but it's wonderful. Feels just great to be able to tell my dearie how I feel, knowing he won't be angry with me.

I told her not to worry about it and that I was cool about remembering stuff. Sadness is short-lived where I am concerned. Hohoho. :)

She says I am like Bobo*. But I don't think so. Heh. I'm Carrie and I have my own set of rules to live my life by. They are all very different from Bobo's. :) I'm unique! Heh.

Yeah... Like everyone else. But who's complaining!

**carrie** (loves my dearie for just being him) (and for knowing when I'm down and when I'm not!)

P.S: I'm stuck on Kairi's theme (Kingdom Hearts)! Can't stop it in my head! And Always On My Mind from the K.H soundtrack! Uhoh! Heh. Oh yeah and I discovered that Kairi is derived from my name! Woo hoo!

Hectic!
Saturday, January 08, 2005 4:08 PM

I am currently 'ki siao' also known as freaking insane.My hectic schedule has driven me the point of no return somewhere somehow this week, which would explain my lack of wanting or desire to blog which I enjoy very much. Apologies to all my friends who have seen a solemn faced Carrie in the middle of lessons, or a Carrie who isn't thinking when I'm talking resulting in me talking nothing that makes sense. Heh. Rather sorry to Moo Moo* who sits beside me. I'm a pain to be with recently. Oh yeah... I seem to begin to hit off with Moo Moo much better these days though. Haha. :) Doesn't it seem interesting how people can not stand each other yet like each others company at the same time?

To make amends for being such a dull personality these days I found myself entirely jumpy, hoppy, bouncy and cheerful today. Strangely yes, and I bet it's because it's Friday and not because my heart is very guilty and I decided to make amends. Honestly, I bet it's because the week has ended and I feel as good as new again!

I hope most of the people I know understand I hate collecting money and writing notes because I just suck at the both of that and being the treasurer cum secretary cum publicity (which is the job I love and would rather only have) is extremely stressful for a maths dud like me. I cannot for the love of alien plastic cows figure out how to give people their change when I collect money. It takes me almost an eternity to sort it out and by then I forget to tick their names off the list. Freaking impossible for me. I failed maths by the way if it isn't already obvious. My left brain obviously doesn't work. I bet in a few years time, my brain will be tilted to the right side because my left brain would be so hollow and empty it will weigh nothing at all. Oh right, as well as make weird hollow 'kong-kong' noises when hit. Anyway, as I was saying (wah how the heck did I digress here!) under that amount of stress and even more self induced stress to complete the homework which never seems to get completed, I went into this moody stage for a couple of days... Giving hell with my 'sian' and 'bo chap' sounding voice to everyone who has heard it because it was just simply the really "endless hole" (something like eternal PMS without violence) period of the day.

So here I am today, totally back to normal, or at least I think it's considered normal (for me lah). I mean, I'm insane as usual and I'm back to crapping correctly. Crap that makes people go "huh!" not "huh?", got difference okay! That primitive Singaporean one syllable grunt means different things with different intonations. So... Yeah.

Kind of had this English Diagnostic Test (a.k.a the test to see if you suck at compre and summary so that the evil HOD who wants us to call her 'mam' instead of Miss whatever can band us and kick us into English night study classes!!! The horror!) which was so sad. I have never ever seen such an easy paper in my life. To think it was an O' level November paper. Sad case! What kind of paper was that. Freaking easy! (I hope I don't do badly or else I lose face! Hah!)

Whatever it is, when I went for the test (had to go back to school at 5.45pm! The evil English department want to suck our brains dry so that tired and bored we fail the test and they can suck us into the English night study!) I met Sharmaine (this is her real name lah), waiting at the bus stop for bus 28. I was also waiting for bus 28 and was secretly VERY happy she was there because a) it's freaking boring to wait alone and b) because I didn't know the bus 28 route and would probably end up somewhere else if no one told me where to get off. I was in such a good mood today I went chattering like an incessent firecracker. I bet I cracked a hole in her ear unknowingly. Oppx! :P

Heh. Went to the hall with her and we chose these ugly fugly blue tables because it was free seating (which the noisy witch like MJC transferred H.O.D tried very hard to tell us).

The witch-like H.O.D whose name is Jacqueline something (her name very weird one but no one can remember because she wants us all to address her as 'Mam' and not her surname. Weird teacher. Weird dressing- think long black rebonded hair to her waist which is like thinning and red fingernails) kept asking us to shut up and not to test her patience when she was already pissed when I came in (and there was not many people there at that time). She spoke so sarcastically and with so many bombastic phrases thrown everywhere, I thought she sounded rather artificial. Like plastic. Not that plastic isn't good. Plastic can recycle mar! When I entered the hall, the first thing she did was with this really pissed posture like we owed her something, she strutted back and forth the stage irritably repeating herself as if we weren't listening when we actually were. The problem with this kind of teacher is that she earns and commands zero respect... So in the end when she asked us to shut up, we made more noise. And so on and on. Unfortunately, she doesn't seem to understand that kids these days won't bow down to the kind who want and demand respect so rudely. Heh. Great role model Miss or is it Mrs Jacqueline Yew. Eh! I remembered her name.

=C Sheesh. Good mood gone. I think I have miscommunicated with Wei Sheng while chatting with him. He thinks I intentionally want to shoot him. Which I do not. I have no intention of shooting him and no mood whatsoever. I don't know why everytime I say something, people always don't really get what I mean. Maybe I get over 'enthusiastic' when I hit certain topics and the way I convey my thoughts isn't exactly as tactful, but really!!! Honestly, cross my heart, shoot it also can lor... =C I didn't intend to shoot him. GAH! So frustrating to be misunderstood. The problems with modern technology. Bah. The toneless cold environment. If theres anything I'd rather shoot it would be the H.O.D woman. Freaking hell. Why would I shoot him. =C No more good mood. Shall stop blogging.

**carrie** (not shooting weisheng!!!)

Downright downwards
Friday, January 07, 2005 3:42 PM

The curve on my smiley would be pointed slightly downwards if I typed in a smiley at this moment and it's not at all hard to know why, but that's not really the reason. Loads of mounting homework is SO not the reason. I'm not just a sad smiley because I'm tired. I'm just unpredictably moody (the silent type of moody) and there are no more moodswings. It's just like a straight line all the time. I'm always that way now. I haven't snapped at anyone as of yet, and I try my best to paste a upwards smile on my face, but then I feel so tired when I get back... And my sister's daily woes are frustrating me. Her grumbling is beginning to be a real pain. I have never felt so upset about nothing in my life.

Basically, I'm downright downwards.

Nevermind, can always try to be cheery lah.

Heh. So I shall blog about cheery things to be the cheery Carrie that everybody likes. Shall slap those mildly upsetting 'political issues' out of my mind, forget about all the weird stuff that's happening and concentrate on NOT trying too hard to be happy. Okay. Maybe it's the stress acting up although I don't want to blame it on stress. If anything's wrong with myself, I should answer for it and not push the blame onto something else like PMS or what not.

But I'm not.

Freaking hell. If I was in a better mood, I would blog about Jean's cute (actually shuai) little bro who came for the CCA Orientation today. He's so short and cute and shuai... But I won't because no mood to talk about cute kids today. :(

Instead I'm just going to leave the entry depressing as it is. I really haven't got the mood to do much of the things I enjoy anymore...

**carrie**

tiredified
3:40 PM

there's always the other end of the coin. well, instead of being sianzified like my poor dearie today was one of the most tiring days ever.

well, i'm not going to blog much because its late and i have classes tomorrow. (05s13 by the way) so i'll just summarise the whole day. firstly, yes, SAJC's orientation IS the BEST orientation ever. It actually does make me want to stay in SA and not move to any other JC after first three months, because the SA spirit is too great to break once your in it. my og was one of the best too. literally, not just saying that. anyway more importantly, i also want to say that my dearie has also been always on my mind this past few days. i think people would notice i always fiddle with my ring. because at everytime i'm having fun, i'm always hoping she'd be there too.

signing of before his first day of JC classes! peace.

_weisheng_ (wants carrie to join him in SA and still loves and misses her)

'Sianzified'
Thursday, January 06, 2005 3:05 PM

How long has it been? One day? Two days? Just a mere three days and I feel like this. :( 'Sian' beyond 'sian-ness'. Feel so drained over nothing. The speed is just beginning to pick up, only just. If I'm getting all pooped over three days of acceleration, woah... ... Seriously... It's a short run which needs huge bursts of speed all the way. I can't get this 'cannot start car' type of feeling now. Cannot! Not on my precious O' level year!

Anyway... I had this really interesting thing going on in my brain but it all flew away faster than I can snap my fingers (which I can't by the way...). Yeah. Gone. With the wind. Can't remember what I was gonna blog. Been holding on to words for too long and not putting them down on paper or for the more techie me- on the com. So when it comes again, I'll probably blog straight away and not be so... Er... I won't procrastinate next time, save my mind gets preoccupied by a million different things at the same time. Can't risk another good blog entry seeing that they ARE getting pretty rare these days.

I'm munching on a raw (actually it's cooked... but just cold straight from the fridge lah!) crunchy sausage. I'm definite it can be eaten straight from the refrigerated packet it came from. I doubt I'd die because I didn't boil it hot- just get a little tummy ache for cold food thats all. Been searching for that sausage high and low most of the afternoon when I was gonna go cook my cup noodles, couldn't find them. Now my sis runs along with them and I wish I knew where they were in the first place. It's late, I'm addicted to crunchy cold tiny hotdoggy stuff and I'm so going to grow fat. Gah.

Oh right... I remembered what I was going to blog! Haha.

Was chatting with Soedar the other day (actually just yesterday) on the way home from decorating the Green Club Board at school (which is only just beside my classroom which makes it very convenient) when we stumbled onto this very thought provoking topic. We were going on and on about Eyes (because we learnt that recently in Bio and we had a couple of burning assumptions that would make a scientist go crack) and to theories that are hard to prove only because the easier ones have all been taken and discovered. It went on for awhile, jumping topics every so often and it's true that Soedar has a scientist's mind. It's not hard to understand why he's the science pro in my class lor. He's inquisitive, messy, but well organized in thought all at the same time. It's very very interesting to talk to him.

Umm... Anyway, we knocked head on onto this topic (which I cannot remember why we even started lightly debating and mildly arguing about it in the first place) which was to be happy in life...

You see, to be happy in life, people always say- "Just lead a simple life and be happy!" But is a simple life really so happy? Is it really so simple to lead a happy life? Think about it.

I mean, basically a simple life would mean a life that's pretty monotonous. No matter what a simple life will be monotonous because a simple life is a safe life. So when someone says, "Lead a simple life and be happy."... It's actually relatively contradictory.

I did try to argue by saying that just live the life you want, that way surely one would be happy.

But Soedar managed to counter that one by saying that if we lived the life we wanted, it would definitely not be a monotonous life and that life would be filled with a certain amount of adrenaline pumping activity once every so often. With that comes the risk of danger and then with that you'd get injured and by getting injured you wouldn't be happy. So the conclusion would be no matter how you lead your life, you'd still end up unhappy.

And I guess that's definitely 'unarguebly' true and I kind of sat there thinking on the double decker bus. I kept quiet, for the second time in my life, because there's nothing to rebut. It's the undeniable truth of life, because afterall we are all always unhappy people and being happy isn't as simple as it sounds because we are never ever ever content with what we have in life. So we will never ever ever be happy. :) Think about it a bit more. If you're not happy, you want to happy, and when you want to be happy, you'd want to lead a happy life and when you want something, you're actually lusting for something. When someone lusts for something, it means he or she is not content and if you're not content, you'll never be happy.

That's a vicious cycle for you.

But now that I read everything that I've typed, it makes both sense and nonsense. Heh. Must be screwed up there some where.

Here's an unrelated, totally random thought I've been having since Chemistry class today (which is a pretty long time ago)... Are our memories in colour or black and white? It sure seems like colour and yet again it doesn't... Hmm. I kind of started thinking about it because I suddenly had this like flashback of Wei Sheng laughing very very happily and it felt very sweet to remember. But when the memory (I bet it's a memory) flashed across my mind, it was gone too quick for me to know whether it was in colour or black and white... And everytime I reconjure up that image I can't tell! Haha. Is that weird or what! Yeah. I was missing him while I took a glance at the planner and I caught sight of the "Library" scribbled over the Saturday box. It's only been a few days... ...

**carrie** (Whoosh. I feel like myself again! I love my dearie. Miss him to itty bitty bits!)

In a New Year!
Sunday, January 02, 2005 1:30 PM

yup only weisheng could create such a lame title. and so he did. its me again! blogging after quite a long time. well at least i'm trying my best to blog =) anyway firstly i'd like to wish everyone a happy new year! 2005 is the greatest. and as carrie and i have found out, u type 2005 on a calculator, and u look at it from a mirror, it's still 2005! we might have prolly been one of the first to figure this out, so remember to quote us if u mention it.

Secondly i'd like to talk about the past year. been quite a busy year for me preparing for my o's and everything, but everything was worth it in the end. spent most of the year just preparing everything and going through a very continuous but active routine and everything all worked out fine. by the year end i also got to know carrie alot more (especially all the wonderful sides of her) and on the 3rd of october we were officially together. everything from then on, went smoothly.

well thirdly i'll have to plan for this year! because its going to be quite a year too considering i'm actually going into a new school (no more same boring school) and meeting alot of new people. i have alot of goals, but the main few are like teaching carrie math, making sure carrie goes swimming, and not stop loving her.

anyway, i just spent around 24 hours with carrie! yea! what a way to bid good riddence to 2004 and kick off 2005 with her! well although our living conditions were not really up kept and very claustrophobic, everything was all well spent =) especially with her around. started friday by waking up in my friend's $388 booked 2 nights miniature chalet at pasir ris costa sans resort. decided that the floor was actually too cold for me to sleep on and clifford could need more of the blanket area, and went back home the whole 1hr trip to sleep haha. sounds quite stupid, but then i wanted to go take some stuff anyway and i didn't think there was anything they were going to do the next morning. met carrie in the late afternoon after her meeting with her friends and went back to the chalet. didn't really do much there, just normal stuff like eating, walking HOME, going to play bball, walking HOME, playing cliff's ps2 at HOME. doesn't really sound like much but its what i've always wanted to do, doing normal things with carrie around our home and walking back to it! ok, sounds weird, but some people might get my feeling on this. well, after that, had to set the fire while the boys about 8+ of them went for a swim. used up alot of firestarters but then managed to charcoal tepee my way into quite a large fire. by then the food was already quite right for BBQ and i actually tasted 3 of carrie's BBQ chicken, which tasted really great! another one of carrie's pro techniques, didn't realise she could cook such nice golden brown chicken!

well anyway, after that, counted down with with her, spent a few hours walking downtown east and playing non-bloody cs. went back to the chalet at about 4 to sleep. didn't really get much because of all my friend's screaming and all. got woken up at 4:30 to teach peiru some magic tricks. in the end i ended up teaching everyone who gathered around (like all 8 of them). decided to reveal to them all the card tricks i've been tricking them with for the past few years haha since we'll no longer be in the same school again. quite cool lah, i wouldn't be performing to them again so why not. a few of them were quite pro too. while that happened carrie slept and i went back to the bed at 5:30.

the next morning, spent the day roaming shopping malls in the east. quite interesting but not as interesting as the west! specifically the jurong area and bukit area. haha. didn't matter much since i was with carrie. almost lost my wallet twice today. once yesterday. now that makes my wallet's "almost lost" count to be 10. with almost 5 times in the arcade and also an addition 1 in a music store and another left in the chalet. my wallet rules. die hard.

well blogged all the way till 9:40 already, going to sign off and try to also sleep early to actually get my clock working for school again! peace!

_weisheng_ (will continue loving carrie through 2005)