"Do u often have the feeling like... Some people always promise you stuff... Or agree and give you hope...
then just suddenly crush your hope in like... One second."
This was what one sad soul cried out to me today during an online chat session.
It's not like I haven't experienced this before, I just don't feel like I've understood how she felt. It's so weird to know you've have felt something similar before and yet feel like you haven't. It's just so strange.
I know who she was referring to, just wanted to make sure, so I joked a little. This joke method seems more cheerful and tactful compared to a straight-forward "What do you mean?" which was how I would have replied if this was asked, lets say last year.
And I was chatting with her and everything and I remembered everything. The stream of melancholy music just totally drama-ed my flashbacks... ...
Sitting by the phone on Saturdays while friends message and call me to ask me out, rejecting my friends because I know and trust that he will definitely call me and tell me that our outing is still on, calling him to find out otherwise after the whole day is over. "I'll call you tomorrow to confirm okay?" Always said, never done.
Walking up and down MRT stations, waiting. Rummaging for my handphone whenever I felt a little vibration. Realizing there hasn't been a vibration, calling him with no avail, no response. Hour after hour passed by. I remember sitting down behind a wall and touched the diary... Finally calling him to find out he was asleep. Hearing his flustered apologies, letting that sadness engulf me. Crying to that diary behind a wall at an MRT station, wanting to hate him and letting it all go yet not being able to.
Visiting him at his workplace only to know he didn't want to see me there. Looking shocked more than pleasantly surprised. Disappointment was me. I was disappointment. That feeling and me were one. Not being able to hate him when it all ended... Letting it end like it never happened.
When it ended I don't know if it was a miracle I got over all that pain so quickly. It's like when you let yourself be cut repeatedly by the thorns of a rose and when you stop holding a rose because it's winter, you find winter so beautiful and you realize everything that you missed out. You realize there's spring with the flowers and melting ice, there's summer with the perky sunshine, there's autumn with the beautiful carpet of brown... That's everything you've missed. Everything out there while stuck in a castle with no window or light.
That was all the memories and feelings that came flooding back and she apologized for making me remember everything sad and painful. But I think the real pain doesn't come from the memories. The real pain comes from knowing you haven't lived on.
I'm glad I'm living on. :) I'm not going miss out on everything there is to me. It's such a beautiful free feeling to feel as I am feeling now when I'm with my dearie. Being in love with him is like being sheltered in a house and looking out of the window thats there and seeing everything beautiful about everything else yet be away from the bad stuff every season holds. It feels... different but it's wonderful. Feels just great to be able to tell my dearie how I feel, knowing he won't be angry with me.
I told her not to worry about it and that I was cool about remembering stuff. Sadness is short-lived where I am concerned. Hohoho. :)
She says I am like Bobo*. But I don't think so. Heh. I'm Carrie and I have my own set of rules to live my life by. They are all very different from Bobo's. :) I'm unique! Heh.
Yeah... Like everyone else. But who's complaining!
**carrie** (loves my dearie for just being him) (and for knowing when I'm down and when I'm not!)
P.S: I'm stuck on Kairi's theme (Kingdom Hearts)! Can't stop it in my head! And Always On My Mind from the K.H soundtrack! Uhoh! Heh. Oh yeah and I discovered that Kairi is derived from my name! Woo hoo!
