a nightmare would be a life without you

A Matter Of Shame
Thursday, February 03, 2005 2:51 PM

I've been thinking quite a bit about being mean to people like Ken Lam. It's quite sad actually. Was wondering how I would feel if I were him. How would I feel if people poked fun at me and I (sadly) didn't do anything about it.

There are two possibilities why I'm actually affected by sudden thoughts like this one:

a) My sister is letting herself get pushed around by some mean kid by the name of Yvonne
b) Some empathy finally decided to make a home inside

I think its more on (a) then on (b).

Okay. Lets go check it out.

My sister is this chubby kid with long hair. She has a super long skirt (runs in the family) and likes to raise her voice and make noise for no reason. Maybe that's why she isn't really welcomed by her 'friends' in school. Whatever it is, she used to hang around this clique- a bunch of 'cool' popular kids. In my opinion it is a gross mix of backboneless girls who sway with the wind. Frankly lah, it is mean to talk about them like this, but I find it hard to use any other words to tactfully put it across. At best they are 'un-opinionated' and 'juvenile', at worst they are a bunch of 'cowards'.

Why so mean ah Carrie? Jealous they more popular than your sister is it?

Definitely not.

I have nothing against the people, it is their disgusting behavior that pisses me left, right and centre. I used to tell myself no matter horrid the people in her school may be, I would never say "Changkat Changi mar! Of course lah!". But after a year plus of frustration that hangs from my sister's face each evening when she gets home, its hard not to do that. It hurts me to see my sister being pushed around just because she doesn't want to kick up a fuss at school and of course because she doesn't want to end up friendless. Seriously, I might not always be very friendly with my sister but whenever I hear about her 'friends' doing mean stuff to her, it breaks my heart even though I thought it was close to solid steel.

Okay, basically this group of girls are popular because of one chio bu. Her name is Chanel. Apparantly before Chanel started mixing around with the likes of Yvonne, she was generally rather er... more on the spoilt kid type who didn't mind a tad more friends. Aiya, just imagine the kind of girl who have five full accounts in friendster. Yup. That's Chanel. She's the type after two weeks of school got boyfriend that type lah. Yeah. She hung out with my sis now and then and was like those 'qian jing' only lah. Nothing really bad about her. I had a rather good impression of her somemore!

Then in comes Yvonne. Not very pretty, riding on the popularity of Chanel as her friend, this little brat (sad to say I have to describe her as that) is nothing more than a bully. She knows that my sister has little or close to no friends and have to tolerate with whatever shit she flings at her... So what does Yvonne do? This Yvonne girl bullies my sister into doing her art homework, printing her timetables, doing everything for her, buy her gifts. And why does my sister do all that?

Because the moment she refuses to, all hell breaks lose for her. My sister is denied friendship because somehow, those backboneless 'friends' of hers never ever seem to stand by her side and defend her. She is left alone because they believe this gossiping bully, "Andrea very selfish."

When I first heard that I almost spit out my yakult lah, my first impression was, "So childish wah!"

But childish oppression hurts more than anything else. My sister is left without dignity, she runs around like a dog doing Yvonne's bidding because she is unable to break out of this oppression by her friends.

I know my sister. She may be hot tempered and not very easy to get along with, but she's very friendly and helpful and she cares alot for people. Her personality is much better than mine. Her only flaw is that she has this thing for vulgarities. Not that it will affect her friendships because she picked it up from school what! So I'm sure that it's really Yvonne. I never really side my sister much, but this makes my blood boil to know that a coward is hailed as hero and the victim is seen as the true coward.

Initially I thought my sister was pretty spineless to take all that, but after thinking about it and pondering hard, I realized that it meant a lot to my sister to be liked by everyone and that she wasn't like me. She absolutely cannot take loneliness and not being talked to... I feel bad about not being able to understand her qualms on lashing back...

It hurts me most to hear from my sister, her voice always filled with fear, frustration and upset that all her friends never stand up for her... What friends are they?

Even Alien Fishball whom once jokingly teased Ani* (one of my close friends in the past) and made her cry because they were insulting, stood up for me. And that was even after I spoke out against him about him bullying Ani* with boorish insulting verbal abuse. It surprises me that a person whom I once didn't really like would stand up for me (although it made things worse) when I needed the support most. When I think about it, I feel fortunate that my outspoken nature and my lack of need for talking much or being around people will allow me to do radical things that others wouldn't dare. Allowing me to walk on the wilder side of life... Sometimes I really wish my sis would take that big step out too. I know how hard it is... But somehow bullying has got to stop.

When the chinese teacher, Miss Si was giving us those compos on bullying it didn't hit me that my sister was a victim until I thought about it recently... She's a victim and her so-called friends, those spineless creatures, heartless and foul, are no better than pawns manipulated by the bully Yvonne... I told her not to worry if they did that to her again, I would call up all their parents and tell them straight in the phone that their child was a bully, a horrible sad coward. I would not tolerate her being treated like a servant, a maid, a slave.

And now I feel so bad that I actually am contributing to Ken's pain... Ken Lam is a victim too. He might have been mean to me and everything, but he could have been mean because he didn't know how to be friendly and it scared me off when he was. I believe I'm a bully myself although I do not do anything to Ken, just avoiding him... But that's being a bully too. I'm too much of a coward to take that step to truly treat him like I should treat everyone else. So in what position am I to condemn Yvonne's actions?

I really wonder to myself... If I was my sister or Ken, would I prove to anyone that I can't be pushed around, or would I succumb to all that battering of evil childish teases and words. What would I do in their situation? Is this just the beginning of discovering the empathy within me? It's scary to think that I will begin to feel for others more easily because sometimes... I don't think I really want to know how they feel... It's easier that way. Will I remain a coward or not?

**carrie**