a nightmare would be a life without you

REALLY solid IRON-Y!
Saturday, April 30, 2005 2:25 PM

I admit I was a bit harsh on the three JC girls in my last entry. Yesh. I admit I was very flesh-tearing cannibalistic. I should start believing TY about Karma. What goes around comes around. Apparently its probably true, I'm SO going to fail my Bio practical because of my sharp ripping blog entry. Aiya... Sorry poor innocent JC girls. Lolx. Like I write in case they actually find it. With friendster these days, they might hunt me down for glaring holes through their brains two days ago.

Ahh. But its pretty ironic that I saw them today AGAIN on my way to school, and guess what?

Come come, guess!

I was sitting on the side seats on the double deck bus lah, and poor JC girls were standing. The bus was like extremely cramped, but there was this gap at the back of the back. (The situation looks similar now!) But guess what?

*Gasp* Haha. Get ready for concentrated sulphuric acid can?

Wah, I felt a bit embarrassed for them even though they probably aren't for themselves.

Since they were chatting so happily, they conveniently DID NOT notice the bus crowding and the bus' state of immobility. So considerate lah! I saw the poor aunties pushing past the crowds of JC and Sec school kids to get to the back and save time (if not how the bus move).

Heh. Tell me if it isn't solid irony.

What happened to their self sacrificial spirit from two days ago? It evaporated because of the heat ah? And to think two days ago they were on a bus OFF peak hours.

If there are a smiley to demonstrate my facial expression, I would type it out. But there isn't. It's like this look of pure agony. Pure 'PAIN!' expression Miss Poh always has when we freak her out.

Now its not I misunderstand those girls hor! Today is like PROOF! How timely.

Oh dear. Wasted a WHOLE entry on them. Actually its HER lah. Haha. Opps. Cannot generalize. I am such an idiot! I had initially planned to blog about the VERY EXPRESSIVE girl on Channel U on that speak out your teenage angsty thoughts programme. They were talking about blogging and there was this girl who was like VERY animated. Oh well. She is apparently a NON-BLOGGER and NON-INTERNET-USER. Very interesting. If I could speak Chinese I would go for the programme and start a cross fire debate. Unfortunately I'm not slangish in Chinese or even speak good accurate Chinese. I'm not Joanne-standard leh. So cannot.

Doesn't Miss Expressive know that networking is an important skill? To juggle friends online is just the beginning! You NEVER know when your wide network of friends will be an advantage. So xiao jie... Haha. Think somemore lah. What if your friend (its a slim chance but Singapore have declining birth rate so its a bigger possibility) from your sec sch days become like ADAM KHOO? Wah.

Whatever lah.

I miss my dearie so much I cannot blog properly. And I sound so AUNTIE from Pasar lor. :C Don't blog liow lah.

**carrie**

Me in cannabalistic bunny mode
Thursday, April 28, 2005 9:04 AM

Everything was great today, other than me almost (in Sebastian's own words) ate up Derek for kapoking my chair. Mrs Low let us play with those bubble thingys. The kind thats like a colourless spongy balloon that can be popped. Miss Poh kapoked one of the tubes and played with it. Haha. So much for deprived childhood.

Gah. Everything was okay. OKAY. I found out that Ken is really a great guy if he stops trying to act like he isn't. We did some Amaths during remedial with him and he was really a nice guy, amiable and not hard to get along with... Surprisingly the moment he did something nice (share Amaths 10 Years Series) with us, he kinda dropped most of his 'act mean' guard thing. Maybe if some people in class stop teasing him and if he makes an effort to team play more often, he might be a good person to be friends with.

As if the good stuff doesn't end just here. We (Clara and me) went to Uncle's shop under the void deck to get some munchies and in Clara's case some chocs. I got some instant mee. When I went up, although there were these mean looking bunch of Malay guys from some other school (also in white uniforms) who were originally smoking, they kindly asked us if you needed the table instead of letting us walk to the other side to eat on the concrete seats (without tables). They then stopped smoking and clear up asking us if we minded the smoke smell. It was pretty nice of them. TOTALLY changed my once fixed mindset on these kind of guys that they were all people who didn't give two hoots if I spilt my noodles while walking to the other side. They were nice. Although Jean claimed (we met her at the shop) that they went off to another table with girls (pao niu?) I'd give them the benefit of the doubt. They were nice people.

So on the whole today should have been a GREAT day. :)

If only good things came in like giant stampedes. It sort of ended right then.

I was on Bus number 9 when three girls from a nearby JC (I don't name names but those familiar with the Tampines Map will know which one I'm referring to) boarded the bus. They were standing beside me lah. I was standing like near the back and on the other side further in was a Malay girl from another school. Everything seemed like a normal kind of bus ride until...

The bus got freaking jammed at one area because many people were boarding and they were having a hard time getting on.

Surprise surprise. Wonder why?

Because the Malay girl and I didn't move in. Basically I was waiting for her to move in lah so... My fault lah. My bad. Then one of the girls (the loud mouthed Bitchy voiced type Ah Lian act not Ah Lian which I absolutely cannot stand) decided to act noble and asked us to move in.

I was like. Okay. But I decided to wait awhile before moving in because I thought the Malay girl would move in first lah. She didn't. So I moved in lah, then at that moment, the Ah Lianish JC girl with the loud sharp piercing voice which I cannot stand said very loudly with a 'suan' type of tone, "SOOOO INconsideRATE." (The stresses on the Capital letters.)

Yeah whatever. Now bitchy Auntie Carrie from the supermarket will start to go into bitch fit as of now. Since anyway, everyone assumes or thinks I'm some sort of bitch anyway (except Clara and my dearie of course).

Yes, oh NOBLE considerate Ah Lianish JC girl, I am so inconsiderate I shouldn't have moved in at all. Are you even standing at the back. I bet if you were where me and that Malay girl was you would also not want to move.(Even after moving she wasn't far from her original position and not stuck to the back like moi.) If you were oh so holier than though, why didn't you move in instead of waiting for me or the Malay girl to move? Just because you had to move instead of the Malay girl you go, "Oh my gosh, the whole world isn't revolving around me anymore! They are SOOO inconsiderate! Oh my god..." Oh whatever. I shall now make a sweeping statement which I doubt is true, "JC students all pass CME Practical". I don't blardy give a damn if you're referring to the Malay girl OR ME but if you wanna be bitchy. Go ahead. Because I'm the ultimate bitch and thats the reason I'm getting all worked up over nothing (you). Freaking hell. She went on the chatter NON-FREAKING-STOP the whole bus trip, only interrupted like once every 19184921843 sentences by her friend. Too bad NOBLE one, you got Auntie Carrie on a bad day. I'm in cannabalistic bunny mood. Before she got off the bus at the East Point bus stop, (I had already glared at her and her friends like ten over times on the pretence of staring very painfully outside the window) she said in her piercing Ah Lian singlish peppered accent, "I dunno where the adder one cum from, but I know behind us one lah. Behind us is from Dunman becos beside our skoo."

Whatever. Saying your behaviour was bitchy was a compliment. Freak. I glared holes through that Ah Lianish JC girl's head through the window as she walked to the traffic light. Apparently if she even has a brain to think (I had my shirt tucked out and might be a dangerous about to be expelled ah lian) whether or not to offend people, her brain would be very holey.

Eh Missy, you think you JC big ah? Siao eh.

If I was a true AH LIAN bitch I would have brainlessly slapped her. But I know I would be hauled to jail and I would be like the AH LIAN from Dunman who didn't tuck in her shirt and slapped poor JC girl who was just being 'considerate'. I've no guts to go to jail like that Rat guy said about me, "You're malicious... blah blah blah... You're a coward... blah blah blah." It's true. I don't deny. I've got many bad points. Bothering to blog about stupid incidents like this is another one of my weaknesses.

I'm so sad for Natasha that such JC students from her school exist. Offend people on buses like they own the blardy vehicle. Natasha is like probably the best example of a student from that JC. Gah. That Ah Lianish JC girl even said something like, "Being timer (a sports official job I assume is TIME KEEPER) very tiring you know."

I almost choked on my own saliva. My gosh. Pressing stopwatch very tiring. Said like a true sports official. Freaking hell. And her friend who did Track Judge wasn't even complaining. Okay this is like BIMBO. She's not bitchy just freaking bimbotic. Calling her a bimbo is a compliment as well.

So JC students, next time you see a fellow JC student displaying such stupid behavior give them a wake up call. I have a friend who would one day strike it rich and pay someone to throw faeces at Bimbos like that.

It's like the University graduate thing. Just because it's an alleged high and mighty education, they're so full of themselves.

Whatever, just leave us common brainless people alone. I mean how noble can you get! Attacking someone whos brain dead like us!

**carrie**

The Least I Should Do
Wednesday, April 27, 2005 10:48 AM

The way things turned out today was totally out of hand. Firstly, I admit I was overboard. I should have been more mature and handled my emotions properly. I bet alot of people are mad at me and they have the right and reason to, because I hardly behaved like a fifteen-going-on-sixteen year old should. I should have been more composed and accepted the decision cooly, calmly and with respect towards the end result. But I didn't. And I can't explain how bad I feel. It's just this feeling inside that nags at me, telling me that I've been such an idiot and like wrong?

I can't explain WHY THE HECK I lost my cool today. I can't explain it. Maybe PMS, maybe stress, but whatever it is, I feel really bad about it and all because I know I can't take it all back.

I just couldn't handle the surge of disappointment, slight anger and unreasonable disgust. I was like all three emotions and more at the same time. I don't think anyone will understand how I felt but it was so bad for me it felt like my heart was tearing (seriously) into two. It was that painful. I don't know what came over me. I really don't. But I know that the way I handled or rather lack of, reflected badly on me. Very. And importantly, it made many people unhappy and disgruntled and disappointed.

I didn't even feel good when the lot drawing was over. Even though it was yellow and not pink I still didn't feel proud of being part of the class and worse still I didn't even CARE at all whether the colour was yellow or pink. I was feeling that bad. Whats the point when the class is all torn over the stupid colour. Or rather whats the point when I'M torn over the stupid colour and split the freaking class in two while I was at it.

Whatever...

Even though I'm in the wrong here (for making a fuss and being so much like a fat ass bitch) I won't hesitate to say that I feel that alot of things about the class tee was way unfair. And there are some assumptions (which are wrong lah, but I can't help it) I made about the manner the class tee was handled and how the votes turned out that are not-very-nice but highly suspicious. Whatever it is, I'm still unhappy that things turned out this way.

And although Ian did say not to let Mrs Lin know about this. But heck. The class has long been split into two. One class tee incident isn't changing anything, just the sides.

I hate my class as of now. I hate it. Because its just so simple to break the class up. I don't know what to say lah. I've always felt that I was on the opposite end of the class anyway. There will always be those accepted and those who people think are just explosive and crazy and not worth a shit. At this moment I hope I am. Because getting involved in anything isn't worth it.

But all in all, I'm sorry to all the pink choosing metrosexuals who were so enthu about the colour. I've been so childish unlike you guys who were mature about it. I suck can? Like forgive me. And I'm NOT being sarcastic. If you think I am, can't help it. I just feel bitter about myself, hence the lack of tact.

**carrie**

The majority is always right. The minority can only look on. That's the way it should have been. Why didn't I stick to that?

PAINED Calf Muscles
Tuesday, April 26, 2005 10:00 AM

Heh. I WAS VERY whiney on the first part of the hike. And really whiney lah. As in painfully whiney. I'm like so lazy you see. Haha. But I kinda enjoy the whole pointless hike at Macritchie Reservoir. It was rather fun lah! Haha. And its very fun to do anything with dearie. I hope I didn't explode his eardrums with my whining.

Was so tired I went to sleep soon after reaching home.

Couldn't wake up this morning. But I did eventually. Sure glad I did. School like totally rocked today. As in TOTALLY with all my palpitating HEART and damned SOUL.

I'm proud to say, I am the MOST hardworking 4B student for today. :D Heh. Challenge my title. Go ahead. I'm sure I was the only one doing anything that requires like writing and book flipping lah! All the teachers were like M.I.A and the whole day was gone thanks to the Pure Science Physics Prac and all. So as a not so smart combined science student we got the whole day to ourselves.

Haha. I shocked the pants and skirts off all those usually hardworking kids! Muwahahah. At least once in my life I'm not lazy crap.

Anyway, doodled all over the board like twice. As in TWO whole different boardful of graffiti- Carrie, Natalie and Iris style. Rocked lah. Shall put up photos once Jenny wawa gets them uploaded or something. Haha. For once, I think his camera rocks. BIG TIME.

Today was real fun, real great, real real real real superfragicadelisticespiallagocious. Whatever you spell it.

But I binged!

:C

Looks like have to go cut down on calories. If not how to be Miss Universe!

**carrie**

AHEM.
Sunday, April 24, 2005 2:52 PM

As you all know. AHEM. May is like a month of numerous cakes and AHEM presents.

I myself am one of the many people to be born in this month. AHEM.

And AHEM, May is like around the corner... AHEM.

My birthday is like on the 18th day of May AHEM.

AHEM.

AHEM.

AHEM.

OKAY LAH. I'll stop hinting and go into this wishlist business full blown. (As can be seen from my blatant display of desperation, I really don't know what to blog but want to blog all at the same time.)

Okay lah. I want to celebrate with friends leh... But my freaking Chinese O's are like 12 days or so away from my birthday. Doesn't that like so SUCK like a suckerfish?

So the next best thing is, all you people be nice to me and make me feel loved because I lack parental love and am seriously brain damaged by the whole parent-against-parent-hate-each-other-ongoing-ordeal thingy. I need to be smothered in love and care and lots of pampering and so on so on.

:D

So I don't care even if you give me a candle I WILL ALSO be SO HAPPY and CARED FOR that I will hug you to itty bitty bits and be like thankful that although my family is in ruins and so is my brain, at least there are people there for me. Because its the thought that counts.

:D

Okay. If you felt the smileys were fakey. I admit they are fakey.

I just want my dearie to treat me like I matter. I know I matter to him. If only I could feel it more. Am I buckling under the immense stress or is it the hormones talking or whatever shit.

GAH. I GIVE UP. This is VERY TIRING.

**carrie**

On Floorball & Other Stuff
Saturday, April 23, 2005 2:23 PM

I had the yellow floorball stick! YAY! Hahaahah... :P And yes, THE YELLOWS ROCKED! Buwahahaha. Although we didn't win, we're still super-dee-duper lah!! Why?

Cos PEI PEI was so li hai! Her goal was really pretty! And because, we were all girls (and one Mr. Helmi) playing against power people with alot of stamina like... Kok-kok and Kenneth (I don't know whether to consider TY as one of them although he's biologically a guy).

I like floorball even though I'm not very good at it and I seriously lack stamina to run everywhere throughout the game! And I'm such a blur sotong lah! I actually hit the ball to the wrong side lor! AHHH! Haha. I STILL LOVE THE GAMMEEE even though I seriously suck at it! Ho. :) But it's fun!

And Mr Helmi's leaving us after next week! AWWW! Haha. He may be a tad bit lazeee like us students. But he's COOL lor. Sheesh. Alot of us are gonna miss him (and his flexibility).

Floorball totally tired me out. Also the CHEM/PHY practical test sucked big time. I didn't have time to complete and my results were all screwed. Must have contaminated my chem stuff and my physics results were like screwed!!! SCREWED!

I was so tired I fell asleep on my bed while reading something from five plus all the way to ten. (Now that makes up for a lot of lack of sleep) :X Heh.

I miss my dearie alot today. Alot more than usual. Wonder why. I vaguely remember dreaming of him during my 4 hour (sort of) nap. Can't remember what though.

Ahhh... He called. TELEPATHY! Shocking.

And on to other affairs of the blogging world. I suddenly realize I was VERY impressionable some years ago. Must say the whole xiaxue lashing out against funeral-evangelising-pastors kinda made me re-evaluate why I am a Christian. Of course I didn't do it because of her, I did it because I felt that I haven't really been compelled to follow the Christian ways for quite some time and (okay!) indirectly because reading many views (from the angry defensive Christian ones to the mellow explanations from Catholics and what not) I realize that as a Christian, I am sometimes very defensive like that too. And I shouldn't be! I mean it's exactly because we're human and make mistakes that we need something redeeming like religion. Hmm... Have I been following Christianity blindly? If I did, should I start understanding it more and finding out more about it instead of following that gut feeling?

I feel that the older I get, the more I come to doubt things. But the more I come to doubt things, the stronger my belief in something I once doubted. It takes a lot more to believe now, but its a lot stronger than when I easily believed. And I guess, if I want to return from my super long back sliding, I had better do only when I can maturely face religious issues, not feel offended and not lash back. I don't want to give a wrong impression about my religion if I ever return to it. I mean, I guess the main idea is. Until I can refrain myself and stuff and not generalize people and issues, I don't think I'd make a good Christian. And this is not an excuse hor! I seriously think that I do not want to be a stumbling block to my friends, my family and my loved ones.

I realize how much I may have misunderstood my daddy. Because I never realized I was believing something blindly that I forgot that God did say we had to respect our fathers. So it comes like a bolt from the blue, how I have tried to cling on to a religion without following it. :X Human error. Human fault. Human problem.

Jenny wawa is actually a sensible guy. He vandalized his desk with questions asking himself if his actions are a stumbling block to others and stuff like that. I guess thats what keeps him grounded.

Bottom line is, it isn't bad to evangelise... And nobody is against that. But overdoing it and not thinking that you're hurting others with those little actions shows little about the religion one is subscribing to... I need to re-evaluate how to improve myself. I should start to.

I'm so horribly stubborn... Hurt dearie alot of times I guess whenever the topic comes to religion and stuff because of my stubborn BLIND beliefs. How could I have not thought of this? How could I hurt others because I was too caught up with my own self centredness! Religion in my immature hands (and brains) is like so destructive.

I think as a kid, I am really confused. And I don't think enlightenment by peers is what I'm looking for. Bible studying without the propaganda sounds good. Anywhere I can get that? Hmm...

And please lah, all Christians who are TOO young and who get offended easily when people say things like you're forcing us to go church la-dee-dum. Don't read Dan Brown's books. Seriously. Unless you take a step back and read it as a FICTION BOOK, woahhh, you'll surely criticize it to bits one! Don't put yourself through the trauma lah! It's just fiction. Fiction HAS ALWAYS BEEN a pack of lies. Come on lah, your compo is fake too what! That's not lying meh? Hehe. Sometimes ah... Really, alot of us are really weird. I realize when I'm stuck on something stubbornly (like my religion) I tend to get defensive and when i do, I'm senseless and insensitive to others. Shouldn't be this way next time.

ANYWAY...

Dearie got his black guitar, his band has some good news, he did well for his tests and heck it, its a good day for him. :) Oh yeah, plus I miss him alot more than usual today. It IS his lucky day.

**carrie**

Squarking Puffed Up Chicken (S.P.U.C)
Friday, April 22, 2005 1:03 PM

Yup. Yours truly. Watashi. MOI. I am the S.P.U.C. GAH. The scruffy high-pitched Squarking Puffed Up Chicken.

Heh.

I heard quite a few people died under my rule of the microphone yesterday during the Sports Meet. I'm rather sorry about that. It's the raging hormones lah. The kind you get when the adrenaline starts pulsing through your blood and you can't help screaming and shrieking at the top of your lungs... You get the idea.

Okay... I admit I didn't expect ANYONE to cheer lah. HAHA. It was pretty cool hearing any response at all. Heck it if most of the people weren't even giving a shit. What mattered was that everyone almost died from the noise I was making. HAHA.

I know like, there was this poor innocent Sec 3 girl who came up to me with her hands on her ears asking me in this mousy very timid voice that I should like tone down a little. And I kinda felt bad for a moment. Then I thought about it again. And I kinda forgot. And I screamed and pok-pok-KEH until the cows went home or we all went home. :) Opps.

And I kinda flushed throughout the whole emceeing stint thingy. I did alot of WHOOPSY-DOOS and quite a few bad BOO-BOOS and I kinda got pissed with TY for saying I failed (which he later explained I did not, just a small segment). Like all the boo-boos and stuff were mainly from saying crap shit that nobody understood, playing Elmo's Song and getting half the school hyped up and half the school sianed and the like. Oh and for screaming my lungs, guts and heart out. Seriously. Couldn't feel the air in my lungs after every sentence. Its like when I breathe I can totally feel the air whooshing straight in one direction into my lungs. Haha. I kept speaking like crazy. And my co-emcee was a great guy although he got pretty distracted now and then.

I just loved hearing Miss Poh laugh. She has a very nice contagious type of laughter. She was really a great help and all. :) Ah. I think if I ever 'chong bai' anyone, it's Miss Poh. And although shes really harsh sometimes and scolds the class and all, we still love her anyway. SOME teachers can NEVER pull that off.

Whatever...

Anyway, something really made my day. Actually a couple of stuff. For starters I got quite good comments about my emceeing stint. Yeah. I probably suck but I think that was like the absolute best and there has never been this much cheering for a sports meet in Dunman anyway, so I think my co-emcee and I did great. :D Object if you want. I'm open to it. Cos whatever it is I felt it was the best. Of course, improve, improve, improvement.

Eirene (sec 3 girl) said it was good to be enthusiastic. I think I overdid it though. :P

Anyway, off to watch some OC and AMERICAN IDOL. Then its go through some chem stuff before the prac tomorrow. Sheesh.

And for the record, I think the teachers are so weird to get us to overly vocab our compos the way they do on the vocab tests. I read the compos week after week and I can't help but feel many times the usage is inept and steals the total feel. It sounds mechanical instead of emotional and its a spoiler! Sheesh. WHATEVER. Those who trust me or my intuition, occasional splattering lah. Don't overload. Sounds damn fake can?

**carrie**

High on Life
Tuesday, April 19, 2005 1:24 AM

Today I'll be doing something different. :) Since I'm freaking high on life and I can't get enough of it, Imma gonna count how many times I use the word 'I' starting right after this paragraph. It's like, dearie is right. I am pretty self centred. I mean, I know he didn't mean for me to get all negative and stuff, but being the stubborn Taurean I almost blew my head out. Heh. So reflections, reflections, reflections. It's time for my reflections. Whatever it is, time to explain on my highness on life.

Seriously, getting myself high on life seems so uphill, but it's actually freaking easy when you really want to get it done. I seriously don't remember smiling so much for a long time, don't remember listening so much to anything and I definitely don't remember feeling so freakingly good!

Heh. It's great! :) I was like an insane person the whole day, throughout lessons and all. First I woke up earlier than usual, next I met Ah Chen on the bus (which I never do) because I was early. And then there was the whole idea of creating the class newsletter/mag "The Unreliable Source" (it's tentatively to be out in print next week). Then came the whole crazed compre lesson where I really went mad. Haha. Marife Yap must think TY and me are totally screwed up mentally. And the whole day is just a really great blast! I can't explain everything because there are just too many of the tinny weeny things that make me feel so happy today. :D

Oh well! Haha. Can't wait for tomorrow! Sheesh. Never felt this enthusiastic about anything!

La dee dum...

Okay time to count how many 'I's I used today. About 9 'I'. Rather self centred. But who cares. Hoho. Theres always tomorrow. Shaun told me to be more people-centred rather than self centred. He's right. Theres tomorrow to work on that. For today 9 is not bad effort. :)

**carrie** (heh. so happy. wonder if dearie has had a great day too?)

Itching for more Sun
Sunday, April 17, 2005 9:53 AM

Ahhh...

I am turning into some amphibianic-type of person. I mean... I feel totally horrible if the sun ain't shining on my skin. Sheesh! Ahhh. Like now. RIGHT NOW! I'm feeling slightly BLARGHISH because there isn't any nice warmth and sunshine on me. ME. ON MY SKIN. NOW?! Ahhh. I can't speak in proper sentences. Nope. No siree. I mean. WHADDAHECK. WHERES MY SUN?

I want some sun. NOW!

Okay. I so CANNOT wait for my O levels to come (not so) and go (very much). Then I'll go run off with a backpack to some offshore island which is like unpolluted and stuff and get my feet in sea water and my feed my skin with warm sunshine! Sounds wonderful! SUNNNN! Like maybe learn surfing!!!!!!!!! YAY!

How did I live without it!

Ahhh. This feels so retarded of me. Hohoho.

Eheh. Thinking of dearie. Kinda wish squishing his lungs. Hahaha. Oh dear. I sound horrible. Oh gawd! Anyway... I wonder if he'll find his stickers. He's out with his friend Su(trisno). Hmm... La dee dum. Really hope he does.

For now... I'm purging myself of negative thoughts and feelings. Cannot have me selfishing and overly defending myself now! Haha. :) Time to detoxify. Oh gosh. Meditation anyone? (Meditation with constant replay of Canon in D)

**carrie**

Two Pieces Of Good News
Friday, April 15, 2005 1:27 PM

AH! OC is starting soon! SOOO!

1) Yesterday, had Oral practice. It's a 11/12! Lost out cos of wrong emphasis somewhere.
2) MCing tomorrow for some prize giving for Field Events!

Say I rock. HEH.

**carrie** (I hope my dearie is real happy today!)

Two Ways To Sing It
Sunday, April 10, 2005 5:02 AM

Ryan Adams and Oasis have really different styles when it comes to singing Wonderwall.

I prefer the one sung by Ryan Adams. :) And thats even though the one Oasis sung was way way way happier. I kinda like the sad faraway feeling Wonderwall gives me when Ryan Adams sings it.

Today is gonna be the day
that they're gonna give it back to you
By now you should've somehow
realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
could feel the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word is on the street
that the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
the way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead the way are blinding
There are many things that I would
like to say to you
But I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today wass gonna be the day
but they'll never bring it back to you
By now you should have somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
feels the way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead the way are blinding
There are many things that I would
like to say to you
But I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me?
You're gonna be the one that saves me?
And after all

You're my wonderwall
You're my wonderwall
You're my wonderwall
You're my wonderwall

**carrie**

Rest
Saturday, April 09, 2005 1:14 PM

Will blog as soon as all the achy pains lessen. Collapsed at school which seems very strange. All okay now. Thanks to cute, adorable, crazy First Aider Natalie, caring, also cute, very concerned Clara and very very interesting and cute (again) Joanne for dragging in to the Sick Bay when I couldn't move because of over exhaustion. You guys are the best. :D Lots of love and thanks to you people. I'm freaking heavy. Wonder how you guys did it. Also thanks to all of you for making sure I didn't go to sleep and become unconcious or whatever it is lah. Thankew. Heh.

Lesson learnt. Never chiong the first round and second round and NEVER stop running in the third round. Never walk. Pace. Pace. Pace.

I got a C for my 2.4km run anyway. Heh. That's like 16mins 20 secs and below okay!!! That's like a first for me.

Please pat me on the back and congratulate me. You're reading the blog of a girl who cannot run hor! :D Heeee.

I got nominated into the English Achievers Programme thingy- whatever it is. Thats kinda cool and NOT cool.

Thats it for today.

I'll Blog tomorrow. Maybe.

I'm missing my dearie. Bah.

**carrie**

O_o
Wednesday, April 06, 2005 12:34 PM

Thanks guys! Thanks everyone who tried to cheer me up. Believe me, I'm fine already. Better than fine. I mean, I bet its normal for girls to get all ga-ga-goo-goo over stupid matters once in a while. But I'm coping with my afore said problem for the moment. :) A gazillion widdle thanks to you all!

Heh and Stephie... Sure will bear that in mind the next time I'm in one of those 'moods'. Betcha know how it feels. :D

Anyway... I'm on a mission! To save money and buy an IPOD!!! Haha. I know Stephie and PN has influenced me on this... I'm just so influenced into supporting Apple. I feel almost evil for not really caring much about Creative. I used to think they were way cool, until that CEO guy started some stupid declaration of war thing on Apple. Haha. That kinda gave me the shock of my life. Career suicide. Doesn't he worry about the thousands of geeky nerds who might never really have a good opinion of Creative anymore??? Oh well.

As I was saying before I raved like a lunatic.

I don't know lehhh! How? I'm being so unsingaporean! Heh.

I want (not need!) a Mp3 player and why? Cos I wanna dump songs inside so I won't feel pained when I delete them off my com during storage cleaning days (when my stupid com lags like shit). So actually, yeah... That's about it.

Dearie says that I don't need the space an IPOD offers. I guess I don't. Really. I don't think I need gigabytes of space for music lor! I mean my max songs (if you consider the constant clear files every few months) can hit only like 300 odd files. Right now I'm having 130 plus songs at least lah and thats not counting how many have already been deleted because they were lagging up my com lahhh. Sheesh. So it's really not much. Hmm... I'm kinda stuck... Cos I'm materialistic like many people and I'm shallow. The first look counts alot. In this case brainwashing about Apple IPOD = good has already been deep rooted into my poor confused brain. Read: Gen shen di gu! Haha. Chinese... Even the IPOD mini is like 4GB?? What do I need 4GB for? How to support apple if all their IPODS have like so super huge memory space! Like dearie said, "waste".

This mp3 debate thing is quite dead end lah cos I'm a stubborn Taurus with a hard head and deaf ears. VERY deaf ears. Maybe not so deaf. Have been swayed on various occasions. But thats not the point.

Before being swayed however I was rather impartial but that didn't help because it just doesn't.

Like how many mp3 players do I know?

Creative Muvo lor. IPOD mini lor. IPOD shuffle lor. IPOD LOR!

I'm obviously VERY infatuated with the IPOD. Lolx. Make that VERY VERY VERY infatuated.

That does it. I am SO closing this pointless self debate. I'm not going anywhere. Infatuated me isn't gonna think clear headly. So lets wait till I save like $300 and when I feel rich. GAH. I should remind myself not to go gooooo-goooo over the IPOD in school ever again. Especially in front of the fishballed alien. Sheesh. He has probably had enough of me. Oh and XY oso. Haha. Poor people.

It would have been easier for me if I haven't read the freaking horrid review on the IPOD shuffle. haha. I was wavered by a review. Oh... And Darryl told me maybe no good. So I kinda... Lost focus. LOL. SAVE MEEE...

Okay. Whatever. For now.

CASE PENDING.

**carrie**

P.S: OH MY FREAKING GOD. Okay. I'm such a swaaaa kuuuu!!! I freaked when I realized an IPOD was 500 odd dollars. Okay. Shucks. WE WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE. Haix. No IPODS for Carrie. :X I'm now down on one consideration. GAHHHH. My heart bleeds.

Whirl
Monday, April 04, 2005 11:04 AM

Everything is so confusing. I can't move left or right. I can't move forward or backward. I'm stuck and I'm confused because the thing is not because I cannot but because I'm not sure I want to take the gamble. I don't know if I can afford to pay the price that comes with a wrong decision. Most of all... I'm stuck because I'm afraid I'll become M******. I'm afraid that this will be the retribution for what I did a year plus ago.

I cannot write freely about the way I feel... I cannot. I can, but again, I cannot. I'm in a whirl. My mind is so confused. There is no right or wrong and its driving me crazy.

I can't say how I feel. I can't say how I feel. Unless I am happy can I express how I feel. If not I must refrain or I'll become her. I'll suffer the same fate as her. I don't want to. I'm too afraid.

I feel so... Shucks. Blogging here is a dead end. Like I said, there is no right or wrong anymore. It's now a matter of should I or should I not.

Should I tell him everything? Should I even contemplate this? After all I should love him. I should not make him worried at all. But if I don't tell him... Won't it get worse? I wish I wasn't like this... I wish I'm not feeling the way I am all these weeks. He's right.

I'm not myself anymore. And if he misses me, I miss myself more than anyone... I really do.

If only all this would just go away and I'm good ol' me again. If only...

When will those nightmares, the negative impulsive thoughts, the painful unreasonable me go away? When?

I should talk to him about everything. I guess I have to take the risk. If he realizes that I'm not Carrie anymore... I can't help it... Whatever it is, I must tell him how I've been thinking and feeling these few weeks...

I promised I'd see a doctor if it gets worse. Maybe I should. For some reason I don't want my parents to know.

**carrie**

Think out of the box people!
Sunday, April 03, 2005 2:37 AM

Thank god for good Dunman upbringing. At least I know why Mrs Neo keeps telling us to "think out of the box". Oh! And yes, I also know why she always tells us to "speak English properly!"

Why?

Because if we do not think out of the box, reality TV is a real bore.

I'm being totally damper today for no reason at all.

Actually there is a reason. I'm just jealous of shapely, scantily clad women with powerful cheek muscles because they actually can win a pageant just by looking good and giving an equally scanty answer worthy of their revealing outfits. I'm soooo jealous. Heh.

I'm joking! Hahahahahaha. Oh gosh... ...

I must say the pageant was great. Not the best contestants in awhile but they were pretty well endowed. Rather worthy of screen time. However I am really sad to say, I bet Fiona Xie would kick any of their butts if only she joined. And I'm actually saying this although I'm no big fan of Fiona Xie. Other than real eye candy (Ling Lee was so pretty but whadda heck with the answering segment!), the question answer part was killer. And I don't mean the question was difficult one.

The question was comparable to the question a couple of years back. Read: Come join the ranks of questions which absolutely CANNOT be answered without people going, "Chey... This answer again ah?" Or at least it seems. Its a shocker that the answers the contestants offered were so... Standard type. I mean... It's NOT possible people (who REALLY wanna win the pageant) will just answer this way. It's too simple! Way too simple. So clear cut. And one of the answers given sounded very very ironic. But whaddaheck... I'm being a bitch lah. Haha. I'm just so mean to be poking them right now. I mean, I don't have the right ('zi ge') to comment about how lacklustre this pageant since I'm too short to ever enter it and I'm too pudgy. (Grr!) Heh. And I got a C5 for my English. So I'm just an empty vessel making some noise. But then again! I cannot stand it! I have to blog. So yeah lah, excuse my... Kaypoh-talk-so-blardy-much attitude today.

The question was, "In your opinion, (dramatic pause) what is a women's greatest strength and weakness?"

I immediately went like, "Motherhood lor. Duh."

Apparently modern women do not think so. They came up with all the typical answers... About able to juggle career and all that blah. Women's weakness is that they are emotional came up twice. None of them actually stated the ability to become a mother... The ability to give birth to a child, to nurture... None of them expressed the ultimate wonder of being a woman... None of them.

Is it just me or am I old and overly traditional?

If I had freaking beautiful crowning glory, huge expressive eyes, sweet looks, a figure, the height, long legs, and the WHOLE package... I'd enter Miss Universe and I'd say this was the most heartfelt question I will ever answer (other than 'I do' if I ever get proposed to lah!).

My answer would definitely be, the ability to have children.

A woman's greatest strength comes from the moment she discovers for herself the love of a lifetime. And by this I don't just mean romantic love from her boyfriend or husband... I'm talking about a love that is so different from that. I'm talking about the love that comes from pregnancy and from giving birth to that very child. The undeniable bond both mother and child holds gives a woman strength and empowering that nothing in this world can never give her. A woman filled with this love will do whatever it takes to protect her own flesh and blood, from this she gains newfound strength to persevere in adversity and to face up to the bitterness of reality. It is motherhood that does all this and it is motherhood that turns a mere girl into a woman. I believe that there is NOTHING in this world that is more important to a woman than becoming a mother and a woman has not really lived a fulfilling life without becoming one.

At the same time it is motherhood that is her weakness. The heartbreak that can come from having a child can never be explained. Why do mothers cry over their children when they know they are ungrateful or unfilial? No one but a mother can explain this heartbreak. It can tear their whole world apart. A woman has not lost anything unless she has lost her child in one way or another. A woman once she has become a mother will definitely feel bittersweetness unlike from any other experience in life.

So like DUH! Motherhood is that one thing that can make or break a woman, a wonderful strength and a destructive weakness.

So anyone disagrees? Hmm? My mom does. She thinks this answer isn't 'correct' because its MISS Singapore Universe not MRS Singapore Universe. I beg to differ lah! I mean!!! AHHH! Nevermind. Tell me what you think lah. I'm interested to know other General Paper worthy answers instead of all that conventional politically correct crap we always hear. :) Come come, tell me. If only they have this kind of questions for O'Level, I will WEEP with joy as I write that essay man! WITH PASSION! Thats a plus point of being so maternalish. Haha. Eleven kids okay!! Life long goal!

**carrie** (It's wei sheng and my sixth months together tomorrow!!!! :D I LOVE MY DEARIE!)

Salvation At Last
Saturday, April 02, 2005 11:35 AM

Salvation comes in many forms but for now the salvation I've been getting is mainly academic. After failing A-maths and Chemistry for countless times, the HOD of Maths and Science decided it was time to get things right again. It's intensive A-maths remedial week after week for me and one-to-one tutorials with Mrs Low, my Chemisty teacher also known as the HOD of Science.

For Amaths it's still pretty much the same... I can manage pretty much okay if it's just practice time- when stress factor is lower than in the exams. Chemistry on the other hand is a completely different story. I cannot express how much I'm beginning to understand why its one of the most enjoyable subjects for Wei Sheng.

I've hated Chemistry since the day I didn't understand anything. Thats pretty much a year ago lah. When I came back for OBS. Wham. It hit me I knew zilch about what was happening. First it was okay. I wasn't worried about being clueless... Then came the panic when everything else (I promised myself I'd put in more effort for later topics) was based on the basics. And the basics I knew nothing about. I couldn't understand everything. I couldn't form equations or formulas. I couldn't do anything. So I hated it. Hated the subject. The only time I did better for Chemisty was a month or so ago when everything was memorized. It's amazing how much you actually know but cannot apply because the basics are all don't exist. It was so bad and I was so worried about asking questions (because it was just so STUPID of me!!) that everything slided like mud. I couldn't balance equations too. That is a BIG problem as well.

Then I guess Mrs Low didn't want to see me doing so badly cause I can see she genuinely cares for every student. :) She's a nice teacher lah. Something like Mr.Peterson, but older and er... A bit more... ... Bubbly and really a itty bit patronising. She kind of organized a one-to-one tutorial and I kinda learnt a lot. Maybe it's not learnt but more like understood what on earth everything was. It was definitely a confidence builder but most of all it saved me. I was at a point whereby I was sinking into despair about the whole subject that I just couldn't imagine myself making it with a good grade. And it definitely made me feel very very horrible when I just couldn't score like Liling and Joanne and everyone who was taking Sub-science. I felt like the ultimate loser. And thats definitely bad enough to be UNMOTIVATED! I so totally understand how those unmotivated students feel! I mean, it's so hopeless to us that it seems like to even pass is impossible. Nothing motivates more than realizing that we do know something and that all that studying time wasn't wasted. :) It's a great feeling.

Just a little motivation can spread everywhere. Now I kinda wanna work hard for every single subject... I hope this motivation is so contagious it spreads to every inch of me... Although I once ruled out JC totally, but now... The idea of just trying out for first three months doesn't seem so faraway. For the first time in a long time (read: since Secondary Two) I decided again that it won't hurt to try everything and put all my bets on JC. :) And I want to study Arts... And then go straight to university to study communications. But then again I really love Mass comms as well. It's really one of those uncertainties again. :X But whatever it is, I'm deciding to give three months a definite try.

All in all, I really want to do very very well and make all that hurt go away. It hurts so much so much to know that people look at me like the underachiever and won't even consider me ever doing well. I know its not intentional but I know that people do sometimes start to think that lets say they do a paper then they'll have the "as long as I don't do as bad as Carrie" kinda mindset. Maybe not all, but I bet some people do think this way. :( Maybe I'm too conscious of thoughts that don't even exist. And I definitely want to do well because I WANT to. I WANT to be that Secondary Two me with all that power to study and study and get it right. Not just study for nothing. I want to do well also because I want to be proud of myself and for dearie to be proud of me and my parents to feel that they haven't wasted their money on me.

I hope this salvation never ends. Because... Bad things happen in a string. A string of horrible events. A mistake I made really got me wasting my Secondary 3 year. It's just too late to feel regret. I hope good things happen in bundles too... Because I don't want this hope to fade away...

**carrie**