a nightmare would be a life without you

Salvation At Last
Saturday, April 02, 2005 11:35 AM

Salvation comes in many forms but for now the salvation I've been getting is mainly academic. After failing A-maths and Chemistry for countless times, the HOD of Maths and Science decided it was time to get things right again. It's intensive A-maths remedial week after week for me and one-to-one tutorials with Mrs Low, my Chemisty teacher also known as the HOD of Science.

For Amaths it's still pretty much the same... I can manage pretty much okay if it's just practice time- when stress factor is lower than in the exams. Chemistry on the other hand is a completely different story. I cannot express how much I'm beginning to understand why its one of the most enjoyable subjects for Wei Sheng.

I've hated Chemistry since the day I didn't understand anything. Thats pretty much a year ago lah. When I came back for OBS. Wham. It hit me I knew zilch about what was happening. First it was okay. I wasn't worried about being clueless... Then came the panic when everything else (I promised myself I'd put in more effort for later topics) was based on the basics. And the basics I knew nothing about. I couldn't understand everything. I couldn't form equations or formulas. I couldn't do anything. So I hated it. Hated the subject. The only time I did better for Chemisty was a month or so ago when everything was memorized. It's amazing how much you actually know but cannot apply because the basics are all don't exist. It was so bad and I was so worried about asking questions (because it was just so STUPID of me!!) that everything slided like mud. I couldn't balance equations too. That is a BIG problem as well.

Then I guess Mrs Low didn't want to see me doing so badly cause I can see she genuinely cares for every student. :) She's a nice teacher lah. Something like Mr.Peterson, but older and er... A bit more... ... Bubbly and really a itty bit patronising. She kind of organized a one-to-one tutorial and I kinda learnt a lot. Maybe it's not learnt but more like understood what on earth everything was. It was definitely a confidence builder but most of all it saved me. I was at a point whereby I was sinking into despair about the whole subject that I just couldn't imagine myself making it with a good grade. And it definitely made me feel very very horrible when I just couldn't score like Liling and Joanne and everyone who was taking Sub-science. I felt like the ultimate loser. And thats definitely bad enough to be UNMOTIVATED! I so totally understand how those unmotivated students feel! I mean, it's so hopeless to us that it seems like to even pass is impossible. Nothing motivates more than realizing that we do know something and that all that studying time wasn't wasted. :) It's a great feeling.

Just a little motivation can spread everywhere. Now I kinda wanna work hard for every single subject... I hope this motivation is so contagious it spreads to every inch of me... Although I once ruled out JC totally, but now... The idea of just trying out for first three months doesn't seem so faraway. For the first time in a long time (read: since Secondary Two) I decided again that it won't hurt to try everything and put all my bets on JC. :) And I want to study Arts... And then go straight to university to study communications. But then again I really love Mass comms as well. It's really one of those uncertainties again. :X But whatever it is, I'm deciding to give three months a definite try.

All in all, I really want to do very very well and make all that hurt go away. It hurts so much so much to know that people look at me like the underachiever and won't even consider me ever doing well. I know its not intentional but I know that people do sometimes start to think that lets say they do a paper then they'll have the "as long as I don't do as bad as Carrie" kinda mindset. Maybe not all, but I bet some people do think this way. :( Maybe I'm too conscious of thoughts that don't even exist. And I definitely want to do well because I WANT to. I WANT to be that Secondary Two me with all that power to study and study and get it right. Not just study for nothing. I want to do well also because I want to be proud of myself and for dearie to be proud of me and my parents to feel that they haven't wasted their money on me.

I hope this salvation never ends. Because... Bad things happen in a string. A string of horrible events. A mistake I made really got me wasting my Secondary 3 year. It's just too late to feel regret. I hope good things happen in bundles too... Because I don't want this hope to fade away...

**carrie**