Everything is so confusing. I can't move left or right. I can't move forward or backward. I'm stuck and I'm confused because the thing is not because I cannot but because I'm not sure I want to take the gamble. I don't know if I can afford to pay the price that comes with a wrong decision. Most of all... I'm stuck because I'm afraid I'll become M******. I'm afraid that this will be the retribution for what I did a year plus ago.
I cannot write freely about the way I feel... I cannot. I can, but again, I cannot. I'm in a whirl. My mind is so confused. There is no right or wrong and its driving me crazy.
I can't say how I feel. I can't say how I feel. Unless I am happy can I express how I feel. If not I must refrain or I'll become her. I'll suffer the same fate as her. I don't want to. I'm too afraid.
I feel so... Shucks. Blogging here is a dead end. Like I said, there is no right or wrong anymore. It's now a matter of should I or should I not.
Should I tell him everything? Should I even contemplate this? After all I should love him. I should not make him worried at all. But if I don't tell him... Won't it get worse? I wish I wasn't like this... I wish I'm not feeling the way I am all these weeks. He's right.
I'm not myself anymore. And if he misses me, I miss myself more than anyone... I really do.
If only all this would just go away and I'm good ol' me again. If only...
When will those nightmares, the negative impulsive thoughts, the painful unreasonable me go away? When?
I should talk to him about everything. I guess I have to take the risk. If he realizes that I'm not Carrie anymore... I can't help it... Whatever it is, I must tell him how I've been thinking and feeling these few weeks...
I promised I'd see a doctor if it gets worse. Maybe I should. For some reason I don't want my parents to know.
**carrie**
This blog contains the memories of two people who hated each other at first, managed to get to know each other anyway, got attached for a year plus and then decided to break up.
They are very different people especially in personality and even though they love(ed) each other very much, there are some things that because of love, you have to let go.
Just happened that it would have to be this relationship.
They now remain very very good friends. (Time will tell if this sentence actually holds.)
3rd October 2004 - 20th January 2006
His Wishlist Whiteboard
Plug-in Acoustic
More Polo-tees
some amazing sound system in my room
more time
large bed
large room
win lottery
basically everything else
disclaimer
Certain name(s) have been changed to protect the privacy of the person(s) mentioned in blog entries.
This is done in view of the number of people who are able to access the blog. Also views expressed on this blog are usually done at the spur of the moment.
Forgive the writer (specifically carrie) should she unknowingly offend. Excuse her. However like every other blogger in this blogosphere,
she is still accountable for her blog entries.
