a nightmare would be a life without you

Studying a NO-NO?
Monday, May 30, 2005 1:37 PM

Just a few weeks ago, before my Social Studies Mid Years, TY, Clara and I decided to head on down to Pasir Ris library to hit the textbooks. I mean, isn't it natural to go to a quiet place like a library to revise and do some decent self study? I always thought that self study in libraries were an a-okay unless:

a) We instantly become a howling hyena pack or
b) Its the weekend

I assumed studying in a library was a NORMAL thing to do. Where else would be THAT conducive for study other than school anyway?

Sadly, the library is not the place for youths to do constructive things like study anymore. Actually not anymore, more like never ever. The librarian shoo'ed us out of the library claiming that the library had this NO STUDYING policy.

I was very upset lah! I mean, I made an effort to be a good student and study, some librarian comes up to me and implies that because I'm taking up space I should scram so that other people who WANT to read can have a seat.

But the thing is, it wasn't even considered 'peak' period because the area we were at wasn't crowded to the extent no seats were free. TY, Clara and I weren't even playing a fool and acting like three year olds and I could see some little kids just hanging out there, running around and acting like three year olds. Okay, they WERE three year olds, but I mean... Where is the justice in shoo'ing us away?

Are libraries being inflexible? I think so! I can't bring my friends over to my house to study because my parents are at work, and studying in the classroom can get very frustrating with all that ball kicking and heat going on... So where? To Starbucks? Where I have to get a $4.50 ++ coffee which is brimming with caffeine just to sit at a table? Or to a fast food outlet where they play loud music?

Gah!

What is wrong with us studying in the library? What? What? What?
If its only because we're invading on space, thats a pretty LAME excuse or reason. Isn't it better that we teenaged hormonally charged individuals hang out in 'good' areas like this doing proper stuff [study] instead of rushing off home to change before shooting baddies in an arcade or smoking at the void deck or something?

Libraries! What has happened to you?

I know some libraries turn a blind eye and the best library to study at would be Jurong Regional, but I CAN'T SPEND 45 MINUTES AND 55 CENTS EVERY DAY AFTER SCHOOL JUST SO MY FRIENDS AND I CAN SELF STUDY!

Shoo'ing the noisy hyenas out is fine. Shoo'ing noisy hyenas who are invading on library space is fine too. But shoo'ing totally quiet studious people who do not run around the library and act like three year old kids is NOT fine. What happened to flexibility. Maybe if the library got crowded and all, you could tell us to maybe give up the seats and go somewhere else... But then again, we could always sit in a corner on the floor and study... Its the atmosphere we're after anyway!

Ho hum.

I guess we teenagers have another scapegoat to blame when our parents lecture us about the fastfood outlet expenses... Blame it on the library.

Disgruntled,
carrie

Noodles For Lunch
Sunday, May 29, 2005 3:11 AM

It's Saturday and since my Dad's at work and my Mom has stuff to do, my sis and I will have to settle for Instant Mee stuffed in the kitchen cabinet.
Just finished another 'Alphabet' in my Chinese O Level Revision Book. I'm all done with 'W' and its only 'X,Y and Z' left... Woo hoo! Another three letters can be done by today. All work and no play makes Carrie really insane so I decided to come online and pick off the dust from this moblog and get at writing another entry again.

I told Wei Sheng about my moblog and he was totally thrilled to know I was getting involved in it. He thought it was cool. Haha. We missed the Moblog Couple Competition! He even had the guts to say we should have entered and won. We win? Come on lah! He doesn't even blog! Actually, he just hasn't blogged since like the beginning of this year! :P He had the cheek to say, you can pretend you're me. Heh. Whatever it is, he thinks participating in a blog competition is cute.

I am still VERY bored. I have Chinese Revision Class later at 1pm at school which is a real bummer since I wanted to watch some TV in the afternoon, but I'm still cool with it. I don't really mind THAT much. Just feel very lazy and my whole body is like totally lethargic. Oh well... I gotta log off by noon so that I have sufficient time to get ready and all. So in the meanwhile till noon, I'll just be blogging for kicks. Haha. I just love long entries. I bet you don't! Reading long entries are such a chore sometimes!

Anyway, I was just thinking about something this morning... It kinda hit me hard in my head and (God forbid) I felt like a string of Chinese words plonk out from my brain. Arghh... It's about my sister's friend's alledged suicide attempt.

Just the other day, my sister's friend or rather classmate, not really a friend, decided to 'die'. My sister got to know about it when her 'close friend' Amos, called her and asked her rather frantically what to do. My sister was entirely blurred out. She then found out that Amos had been adding oil to the fire when a clique in her class was having 'internal strife'.

So guess what happened?

Yeah lor. Her classmate got hurt and was left 'friendless' by two of the most 'popular' girls in class. One of them is pretty, the other is rich, both of which hardly have much of brains or 'Yi Qi' (Loyalty). They catfight all the time, act like big shots and only know how to whine about everything.

I don't know why so many people want to be their friend but my sister's classmate got very upset because the two of them "don't want to friend" her anymore. (Sounds like a primary school spat right?)

That classmate then chatted to Amos (in the evening) and claimed she "wanted to die". Amos then panicked and called her and found that particular classmate sobbing her heart out.

Typically... He then panicked and called my sister for advice.

The first sentence in his phonecall to my sis was, "D***** commit suicide!"

My sis went, "Is she dead yet?"

I choked lah. Haha. That was SO funny. But the conversation gets stupid when Amos accused my sister about being unfeeling and everything about that classmate's condition. My sister just told him she didn't know what to do as well...

Okay.

The whole issue seems a bit... OUT OF PROPORTION.

For one thing, come on lah Amos, you're a big shot 'gansta' 'da-ge-da' in class flinging chairs and banging tables, defying teachers and shouting vulgarities, a little girl in class cries and you think she'll really commit suicide?

I don't know if thats plain ignorance or a lack of oxygen to his brain or it could be another possibility...

Whatever it is that was so gullible? I mean, like a little tears means death imminent?

I'm not being cynical, but its hard to believe a girl only 14 who like taking neoprints, who calls my sister a tomboy with no fashion sense, and one who flaunts herself everyday to want to die. She has too much to lose because from what I hear, friendship breakups are like soooo frequent.

I can't help but think she's just gaining sympathy. And if thats the case... I so do not have any respect for her.

Life is something precious! How can you throw it around? Its not yours for taking or flinging into one corner in a first place. If it could belong to anyone but God, it belongs to your parents and the people who care for you! So what if two popular girls with bimbotic tendencies don't wanna be your friend. Come on, open your eyes! How many others want to be yours! Its so turn offish to hear a young girl deciding that death is the only way out because of a few broken friendships. I can't believe she doesn't even respect the notion that life was not meant to be careless crushed because of a little set back. In her case, is that EVEN a SETBACK?

I don't know how many times I've talked about suicide. I've thought about it once or twice when the going got tough but I never expressed it to anyone because I know it would worry and upset people! And I know that my life wasn't mine alone! How could I decide for something that doesn't solely belong to me? There are so many people that will be hurt because I was foolish and weak for a moment! I don't know about girls these days, but I'm more conservative about life. I believe in it and I won't give it up unless its taken from me.

Outraged like a fluffed up feather duster,
carrie

P.S: Outraged like a feather duster sounds wrong but aiya, heck it.

Weisheng does blog (sometimes)
Saturday, May 28, 2005 5:27 PM

what the. i just typed out one whole long blog and the whole thing jammed on me. ok nvm. time to retype everything. i'll remember to save it next time. oh yea its me! and i know, i haven't been blogging for quite a while but that doesn't mean i'm not here still. miss carrie lots. have been suffering with quite alot of work nowadays, but handled well. oh yea, its weird right, i'm actually blogging in the afternoon. but THEN its also weird i'm blogging at all! weird cum weird gives normal. one explains the other. go figure.

blogger has gone all cheena on me. luckily i still remember where to click to write a new post.

oh yea in case anyone has been lagging in the pages of blog history (or archives, for this matter), i'm not in SAJC anymore, i'm in pioneer. damn cool school with so much space that a lorry would occasionally drive past our study corner and canteen. you know what i love about it the most? Zero Infinity. been jamming with the guys at pioneerama and i hope the peeps in our sch love it. i know jue yi's been getting alot of attention. prolly because he's in rugby now. su's doing well now, nothing much, just CHILLIN as the president of the student council haha. and yea i'm under him as head of publicity. fifi's at innova now. not a problem actually, he still can come jam here and the best thing is we can do it at his school too. rock on man. i know the girls in my school love him and his voice too.

5 things that i should remember in the next year or so. student council, hockey, ZI, 484 and carrie. oh yea gotta give credit to her for being the best girl a guy could ever have. thanks dearie for always being there for me when i needed you and being patient with me for the past few weeks i've been busy. my council investiture just ended, and her o's is starting. oh man. i'll find a way. on a last note before i leave to accompany su to get his bass amp, they say that behind every happy successful man there's a woman, and carrie's that. (yea maybe girl not woman but that's how the saying goes). oh, i'm not really successful thou, but i will be! =D

_weisheng_ (wishes carrie all the best for her chinese o's!)

Blargh
10:34 AM

The Chinese Revision Lessons held in the hall by our caring MT teachers bores the hell out of me once it reaches the second half (like after one hour) mark. Sorry Shi Lao Shi! I start cracking my neck in attempt to keep awake and I have to try very hard just to stop drooling when my eyes start closing. I know the teachers are slogging their guts out for not their own benefit, but mine, ours, the students. But I just can't help being a sleepy headed teenager! Like gawd, I can't help it! I don't want to be ungrateful (Like Mrs Neo says we must appreciate our hardworking teachers) but I just zone out after Chinese saturation.

I like Chinese. I mean, woah, Chinese is cool (hua yu cool!). Seriously. I like writing the characters out (it helps that my Chinese handwriting is not like TY calligraphy type scribble) and I like reading passages (even in my 'KANTANG' Singaporean accent). I just like the language, but when it comes to paying attention in lessons... Heh. My love for Chinese stops there.

At least today we did some "CHENG YU" exercises which weren't too exhausting to my Pentium 1 brain. If it was any scarier, I'd like plop down and die while doing it.

Carrie... Your Chinese Os are like on...

MONDAY!

I know! I know! But its seriously Chinese yada yada overload. I mean the words are all swirling in my brain and its getting messy in there. I can't even guarrentee if my brain is still in one piece with all that whirlwind inside.

O Levels are just so stressful. Can't help but wanna pull my hair out sometimes, or like bang my head onto the wall.

Its a good thing I started revision early. Can't imagine if I speed revised it like TY. He's probably panicking. :P I'm glad I didn't listen to his very lousy advice, "Its only 10 marks, no need to study!"

Yeah right. Good thing I did. My chinese isn't as pro as his. So I have to do the hard way.

Anyway, moving along to other stuff other than CHINESE CHINESE CHINESE CHINESE CHINESE CHINESE!

I got the schedule for the School-Holiday-Insane-Rush-In-Attempt-To-Improve-Our-Very-Bad-Results-Remedial. Guess what?

4B probably has the most number of lessons. The info on the page was going to overflow. Can't expect any less since we really suck anyway. At least I suck. Real bad.

Can't wait for lessons though. Kinda like the whole idea of REVISION. :D Thats a good start.

I also got the capsule time slots for the 31st May Career Guidance Seminar. I've got like good news and really BAD news.

Good news is...

I GOT INTO MASS COMMS SLOT! YEAH! Like *Handel's Chorus* plays here.

The bad news is...

*Jaws dun dun dun dun Theme*

THEY SLOT ME INTO E1 a.k.a AEROSPACE ENGINEERING!

Omg. There are like NO GIRLS taking the course talk slot. Like shucks! Its not the lack of girls. Its the lack of familar people. I don't even talk to those guys in class going for it! Like what? Marwin? Amos? Gosh. I shouldn't have joked about that. :X I only wanted to go for Mass Comms and Hospitality and Management. I just chose Aerospace Engineering because I didn't know what else that interested me! Like didn't the teacher realize I'M THE ONLY 'F' (as in female) THERE? Guess not. Whatever. Might as well brace myself for it. No Clara, no Ting Yan, nobody I really know... Time will surely pass EXTRA SLOWLY... ... Okay kids, next time you choose carreer guidance course talks, DON'T CHOOSE ANYTHING YOU KNOW NOBODY YOU KNOW WILL TAKE. Remember. Don't say Auntie Carrie never nagged about this. NAG NAG NAG.

Its Friday. Blog Day. :) Guess thats about it. Oh yeah, one more thing. Today was hawt. Haha. Like seriously literally hawt! Tampines was BURNING. Don't wanna know what hell feels like.

Yeah. Should sign off like now. I have a million things to say, but I'm afraid it'll jam up and hang your screen as the page loads. Yeah. So tata!

Lots of love,
carrie

AHHHH!
1:30 AM

Hey people guess where Carrie is gonna be hanging out at for awhile?

YES!

She's going to campusmoblog.com.sg.

I'm going there cos my school advertised it and theres this campus moblog competition! So blogging will resume at that location. So go there and increase my visitor number pretty please???

Haha.

And when voting finally starts, PLEASE VOTE! Haha.

http://www.campusmoblog.com.sg/blog/xiaotu

It actually quite un user friendly. I changed the colour layout and yet its still ugly lime green. Don't know whats wrong.

Lots of love,
carrie

Shuckies
Friday, May 27, 2005 10:07 AM

Is it just me or am I just really moody these few days? Other than bananablahblah singing after school, I'm acting like totally down in the dumps. Shuckies.

Chinese O Level Panic Blues?

Probably. Possibly.

Its like on Monday? Oh my gosh. And I am just so afraid I'll find myself sleeping in late and not making it in time!

Okay like I should chill a little. :S

Hmm...

I was 'malu-ed' in school today. It was Oral practice for English Lesson and Mrs Toh was crazy lah. She wanted me to read and she made me flush real beetroot (I haven't seen that before), because she claimed I was the best she has heard so far. I was like so so so so embarrassed. I didn't know whether to act BHB and shrug it off, or writhe in embarrasment. I chose the latter unfortunately. That is like so "unCarrieish". I would usually absorb every ray of pride. Today was weird!

I read like I normally do, almost bungled somewhere, wasn't in a mood to 'add more expression'. But generally well done.

I'm so hungry! Only had Marigold HL Banana Milk for lunch. Yes. Lets do the banana calypso. Whatever the jingle is anyway... I'm so hungry!

Glad my mom is gonna buy back duck noodles for me. I love duck noodles.

Am I even teochew? Haha.

**carrie**

Time Alone
Sunday, May 22, 2005 6:22 AM

I'm like in this totally bad mood, so I decided that I shouldn't stay stuck at home. Right after this I'm taking time alone out of this freaking house. I so have to get out before I feel anymore depressed and pissed and everything. Oh whatever. This mood is irritating me to bits.

I'll go do two more alphabets of my chinese compulsory words before I step out of the house to do some walking around Tampines Mall and Century Square. Shall get myself shorts or something to make me feel better.

I'm not pak-tor-ing okay! I know people like Shi Jie and Dua Ling thinks I like to pak-tor everyday or something. I am so not pak-toring. In fact today, I'm gonna go walk-walk-jalan-jalan-gai-gai, by myself.

Yeah lah. Pathetic lah. Birthday don't even have a birthday cake. Birthday evening also don't have people to keep me company. My mother was shocked that I was spending my birthday at home lah. Weekend walk alone. But I don't need pity because it isn't pathetic. (But I DO want a cake.) I think going out to have some time alone isn't a sad thing. Its very independent. I'm so proud of myself. But hor, if you people reading this pity me, also can lahhh. Just call me and go walk with meee! :) I'm a lonely zit.

Sheesh. Will get out in thirty minutes. I think its the house. Its giving me all these weird feelings like being sad and stuff. Can't wait for it to rain. I bet I'd love getting wet. Rain is good for the brain.

Gah.

Shall gorge myself with cake. I heard chocolate heals everything.

**carrie**

All Things Yellow
Friday, May 20, 2005 10:40 AM

I don't know. Felt like listing out all my yellow stuff.

My favourite yellow mechanical pencil.
Its my exam stress reliever. Without it, I will PANIC during MCQ. This is my loyal pencil since like last year end? God I love my yellow mechanical pencil.
Yellow Bunny by the name Grace
This was from Clara for Christmas 2004. Yes. It IS ironic how the stuffed rabbit I always hug is named after the teacher I least like. In fact I don't even like that teacher. Yeah lah. Life is ironic.
Yellow Rabbit Photo Holder
I got this for my birthday from Yanni, one of my juniors. I don't use it much. But its a cute yellow rabbit.
Yellow See Through File or Worksheet Holder Thingy
Yet again another meaningful gift from my best friend Clara. I got this from her for my birthday this year. Its cute. I can't bear to use it.
My Very Old Faded Yellow Giordano T-shirt Blouse
My mom got this for me like years ago.
Sweet Yellow/Brown Flip Flops
Got this from my sis for my birthday this year. Its the cutest yellow flip flops ever. Yeah. :)
My handy-dandy 'collapsible' Yellow Stapler
Never out without it!
Weird yellow/orangey Camisole
Its pretty ugly. Wonder why I even bought it.
My Dirty Winnie The Pooh Yellow Comb/Mirror
Its old and dirty. It needs a wash. :D
Bright Yellow Table Top Candle
Its scented and from one of my old friends from church- Natasha.
My Skirt-like for Covering My Huge Thighs At Beach Coverall Thingy
Its mainly white, but got yellow flowers. So counted lah.
My Mainly Yellow But Only Worn Once Two Piece Swimsuit
You people call it a bikini. I call it a nice two piece swimsuit.
My huge Yellow V-neck T-shirt
I don't know where it came from. Its ugly but I like. :)
Slim Thin Yellow Ink Pen
The lousy kind but nice all the same.
My DIE DIE MUST HAVE Yellow PS-II (Playstation 2) Memory Stick
Loved it. Still love it. But hor... My PS cannot play PS2 games. Shucks.
Smelly Yellow Scrunchie
It needs a wash. The yellow is VERY DAMN bright. Very nice. Gah.

No more. End. End. Haha. I can't remember anything else. I like Yellow. Yeah... What else yellowy do I not have. Maybe a yellow foldable umbrella? Yellow hairband? Yellow Ear-rings? Yellow skirt? Yellow bandana? Yellow... Aiya. Don't know leh.

**carrie**

I LURVE you guys!
Thursday, May 19, 2005 10:38 AM

Yeahh!

It's my sweet sixteen and heck-it, hearing all those nice greetings makes it all cute again. Haha. My IC is officially now able to fulfill its calling in life. :)

I got a mail from long time good pal Stephiepoo a.k.a Wolfieee

... i have sent this email.. just to say... HAPPY FLIPPIN BIRTHDAY CARRIE !!!!! usually 16 is a big deal over here... which means you can drive... unlike me whose parents are too lazy to bring me to get my license.. but anyways.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! i hope you have fun... you and your wei partying it out.. or romantically dining it out.. either or.. =P-- [Frostwolf]
Aww. Thanks my dear Stephie. Its not a big deal. But you sure made my day!

I got a nice ecard from Shaun!]

http://www65.123greetings.com/card/05/18/07/53/CU90518075340655.html
Aww. Thanks Shaun!

Shi jie, Weiling Clara, Jean, Soedar, TY, Lili, and all the crazy people who were so kind to make me feel like I own a world of my own by wishing me a happy birthday! LOVE YOU GUYS!
My dad gave me $100. Okay... Very practical dad... Very. Thanks.
My sis gave me yellow slippers. My sis is cute. :)
I also received 2 annonymous smses from friends whom I forgot to save in my address book. Thanks guys! I think one of them is my EVIL TWIN Weinan and the other is my long long time big bro unrelated- Sam!
Also, must must must must must must must love my mom for being so cool about everything all the time. The hug when I need it. The ears when I need them. The mouth when I'm too quiet. Woah. Love my mom.
And of course my deariee! He wished me twice already! At midnight and when I called him like an hour or two ago! MuackxX! Love ya dearie!

And yes, I didn't smash a cake. I haven't grown up yet, but I thought maybe not this year.

**carrie**

Looking into The Mirror
Wednesday, May 18, 2005 10:36 AM

Receiving my results today, kinda ruffled my feathers quite a bit. Its a mingled kind of alarm, disappointment and hope- a weird emotion if I can even call it an emotion. I'm sure those who worked far harder than me will be feeling a totally different spectrum of emotions down the positive colourful end.

When I looked in the mirror when I got home today, what I saw staring back didn't surprise me. Behind all that layers I put up- what with me pretending to be what I've never been and the shell thicker than five coats of M&Ms. I don't know what others see in me when they actually start to be my friend or reach out to me. Do they know they're looking at a shell? Do they know thats not who I really am? Do they know that behind every layer, whats left isn't very attractive? Do they know its a warzone inside? Does the thought ever flash past that I am not who I am?

I know everyone puts on a mask. Everyone wants to hide something. But for me? What am I hiding? Everything?

I kinda lost it a little when TY started being a shit head about his results and taking it out on XY and me. I mean, so what if you've had it rough. Doesn't everyone? And then when Jenson tried to argue about the whole XY height incident... Yeah. Two wrongs don't make a freaking right, so? How you intend to 'solve' your injustice sure doesn't justify your claims about two wrongs don't make a right. Then I failed maths... I sure felt it coming. I know nothing. I really felt like peeling off all those layers and go hide. Why do I bother? What do I want to do anyway? I have had enough inner turmoil for one day.

I took a nap and yeah, I sure felt better.

And when I woke up, I started thinking, who am I really inside and is it about time to be true to me. When will I stop play acting? I mean, this act really sucks lah, but why do I still act my life away? Thats pretty stupid of me. So who am I?

Somewhere behind those familar yet unfamilar brown eyes, auburn hair, that strange face, that stubborness, that childhood fears, and all that fakeness I lie. Or do I still? Am I lost already? I mean, its been so long, how can I be sure I'm still there? This brings "Where is my Carrie, what have you done to her?" to a whole new level.

If I took everything I'm pretending to be away, I'd be pretty normal. In fact, less than normal. I'd be invisible. Probably the me from the time I was stuck in childcare.

I can never ever forget that memory. Its the saddest memory I've got of my childhood. Reading Kenneth's blog brought back of all memories, that one.

I really love going down to childcare. My disposition as a kid was generally sunny but shy. And I was a helluva weirdo but not yet loner. So when it was play time, I'd usually join in with other kids. But on that day, no one wanted to play with me and there was nothing left for me to play with. So... I just went to the balcony and sat there by myself staring at the sky. I remember the sky. It was blue. And I remember being bored and a little itty upset that no one was letting me play with them.

I remember having a good 'fight' friend called Cain. He was this kid who ALWAYS quarrelled a lot with me, but on that day he also didn't want to play with me. So maybe I was feeling very bad about myself.

Somehow one teacher came and she was asking me why I wasn't playing with the rest.

I just shook my head and did this really stupid thing. I dipped my finger into the wet white bird shit near by. And I was like shocked and stunned and not knowing what I'm doing.

She cleaned me up and asked me again. Then I told her no one was willing to play with me.

Was I a loner? Can't remember.

All I remember was the teacher stood up turned around and reprimanded the kids. And I felt like total shit in a kiddy way. The kind of feeling that you feel totally bad about getting everyone in trouble. I was standing in the middle of the play room and I felt totally crushed when I saw everyone glare at me as they dumped all their toys in front of me. That wasn't what I wanted... I really wished I had the guts to just tell them that. Everything disappears after that.

One day before I'm sixteen and I still can remember. Incredible. I can't even remember recent stuff and I remember such a bad memory. Until now thinking of it forms a lump in my throat. Its practically 'timeless'. So if theres ever a composition topic about most memorable childhood memory, thats it. Deprived childhood.

I'm still like the three year old me, just with a lot more masks.

Typing all that out made me feel all raw, but maybe writing it out will make me see a new side of the story, that its not all that sad. I hope it brings back happier memories. And I sure hope letting it all out helps me see everyday without the burden of a past sad memory.

So tomorrow, I'll be sixteen. That's pretty great age to be. Neither here nor there. Just stuck in the middle. But its cool.

I'm not all grown up yet. Not yet. I've still got a long way to go.

**carrie**

Sweet Weekend
Tuesday, May 17, 2005 1:46 PM

Why am I so lazy when I should be blogging for once?

I don't know!

I just blogged to say a big thank you to everyone who made my weekend so sweet!

Thanks Siu Lun. Thanks for the Sakae treat. Haha. Lots of luck for your dear neighbour! Lots of love to Clara who is like the bestest friend ever. I mean how can she stand me lahhh. Haha. Thanks for hanging out with me on Friday even though you hate crowds! Ohhh. And big big thank you as well to Kenneth for even offering! And to Onn Kit who actually asked me about my birthday! Haha. THANKS PEOPLE!

and of course...

I LOVE MY DEARIEEEEEE TO ITTY BITS.

Haha.

More after my birthday! (Which I think will totally be anti-climax now!)

**carrie**

Aww. Just one more time.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005 9:25 AM

Yea lah. I should BLARDY stop coming back on to blog. BUT I CAN'T HELP IT. Lolx. Abstinence for a week is more than the weak flesh can bear. :P

I'm probably gonna blog until like Friday where I'll jump around, peel down the newspapers on the notice board to liberate it, go to the children's library and take photos while still jumping around like a crazy kid. Then I will splurge like siao on some cafe or something.

Why?

Because my birthday freaking coming lah!

Haha. Yeah. It's more than one week away (18.05)! But the whole intensity about my birthday is more than I can bear (sort of like this blog entry).

So on Friday got anyone celebrate my early birthday celebration with me not? I mean, WAH SEH, my birthday is on a freaking weekday Wednesday, bo pian celebrate early can? Haha.

If cannot... Aiya. So sad.

Then I go myself!!! Haha. My birthday leh! MINE. Birthday!

I don't know whats the matter with me.

Don't you JUST LURRRVEEE blowing out candles?

I do!

Don't you JUST ADOOORREEE smashing up the cake?

Okay. I do! (Even if you don't!)

Don't you JUST ENNNNJJOOOOYYY the whole pumping heartbeat that comes with screaming happy birthday at the top of your lungs?

I DO LOR!

I'm so happy lah. It's finally coming. I just feel like a three year old kid again. Wait a minute. Haha. That seems like yesterday! Blackforest cake!

La. La. La.

Please pretty please someone go crazy with me on Friday. :)

I just love the idea of going amok like some siao char bo after the exams.

But I don't know what I want for my birthday. Haha. My dad asked me but I don't dare look him in the eye and say "I WANT IPOD MINI!" Cos I'm too scared he die of heart attack lor.

Don't know why I haven't got the habit to do a wishlist for birthdays. I think its cos I don't like disappointment of no one spending my birthday with me and stuff. And besides it so much happier when your friends come up and surprise you when you don't have anything in mind. Like last year. Siu Lun, Kannan, Kenny mei mei, TY and Clara were so freaking sweet lah! They got my my tinny winny cute rabbits that are like enormous giant pellet eating monsters that are so naughty I can rip my head out lah. But their like the sweetest things to happen to me lah.

I just want to spend my birthday with my dearie...

But its a weekday. So I'm expecting nothing on a weekday lah. GAH. Life is quite happy lah hor. Gotta look at all the ups.

And my current ups is that on Friday my exams will be over and I can run free and crazy. Like a ... pony.

Heh.

Oh yeah, blogs were in the news AGAIN. If I remember correctly, I began blogging in 2002. That means I've been blogging for three years. That's kinda cool. Me and blogs and craziness go way back. Like friends. Like Stephie, PN and me.

Aiya so sad. I never got to see them on their own birthdays lah. But I remembered. For once I remember something.

Off to go MUG LAH. WHAT AM I DOING HERE!?

**carrie**

Wooden Blocked
8:35 AM

Yesterday was real sweet and weird. Dearie sent me home, which is real tough on him. He was real nice about it. Sometimes I feel extremely bad that I make him feel bad about not sending me home and stuff. It's just really unreasonable of me. Okay. That aside. Yesterday was weird lah. I was on the same train CABIN not just train okay, as my mom and sis.

They were like on their way back from my grandma's place (some last minute arrangement they made) for Mother's Day. And I was evil enough to go study for Chemistry with Weisheng instead of loading love and care and concern on the two most important women in my life- my granny and mummy. Gah. Yes. I'm evil. But I spent like the whole of Friday shopping with her lah! I mean, Mother's Day is not about that particular day right? RIGHT?

Anyway, we were in the same cabin and I didn't notice until a while later. Then I sort of waved to them and it kinda got awkward. I mean, you don't really see your parents when you're out with your other half... I am SO blessed to have an understanding mum and all. Because I told her about Weisheng before, so she's pretty cool about it and she even tried to make it less embarrassing by trying not to look at me. Lolx. It was quite sweet and cute of her.

I wonder if dearie was embarrassed.

Moving on.

I kinda didn't note down my GEOG and Amaths Paper 1 on my planner. So guess what happened?

I absolutely didn't study GEOG.

Yes. I panicked like a little. About 15% of my brain went into flashing red signs and everything. But I kinda cooled down about it. Seriously after I adjusted to the fact that I had to recall everything I've been listening in class and everything would be okay, I felt really okay.

I bet everyone is like thinking I'm a slacker.

BUT I AM NOT OKAY!

It's a good thing I studied for Geog like a little in advance a couple of weeks back and along last week. CANNOT imagine if I didn't lah! I was lucky, there wasn't much content based shit about Agriculture and that was good. Really good. If not I would cry. And I now know that Miss Poh is my favourite teacher because if she didn't keep scolding us in class and ripping us in the head with all her hoo-ha about listening and taking notes, I bet I will DEFINITELY fail this geog test. Now all I've left to do about Geog and stop worrying about it, wait for the return results, hope for the best, and study it some more to prepare for O'Levels.

And about Geog that almost slipped my mind...

I actually did one extra question cos I didn't read the instructions carefully. :X

I was wondering why I used so much paper for Section A.

I am so blur.

Amaths was THE ultimate killer. It is also VERY lucky that I went for revision tuition yesterday also. I am one very lucky girl. :)

But it was still very killer. I just... It's like questions that don't even look like the ones I've been trying in 10 years series lah. I'm just so stumped on application. Dang. When can I ever be okay with Amaths. Amaths is a guarrenteed fail, but I'm quite happy that I managed to try attempted all questions and managed a few questions. Now the thing is whether I bungled my double digit chances. Careless mistakes may help me get a single digit again. I wish I agreed to drop Amaths earlier. Why was I so blind? AHHH!

But I really like Amaths too.

I love practicing it nice and slow. Question at a time, cancelling my mistakes and trying again. It just all boils down to time lah. I hate rushing my stuff. And I like to do Amaths questions like at leisurely pace with someone I can clarify and ask stuff about the questions. I hate Amaths exams but I just love the whole whoosh whenever I finally get a question right.

I don't know. It's kinda love-hate relationship with Amaths right now.

But I HATE emaths. HATE HATE HATE!

Grr. The end. No more talk about darkness, forget this wide eyed emaths fears...

Theres Chem tomorrow. I'm looking forward to that test. BUT THERES EMATHS TOO. :C I HATE EMATHS. Quite oxymoronic this situation is.

I'm off to study Chem. I'm so prepared to flunk Emaths since I just hate it and can't do it at all. I wish someone could rekindle my interest in that stupid crap subject. :(

I love Chem though. Thanks to Mrs Low and dearie for coaching me on it and providing interesting points to the subject. I want to do well for Chem. Or at least better than whatever crap I'm dealing out these days.

I just HATE emaths.

The end.

**carrie**

Changing Landscape of Our Minds
Tuesday, May 03, 2005 12:01 PM

I admit I always say "People change." It's true. It's the undeniable truth. But its just so hard so swallow when it happens.

There is nothing more to say right now.

People change. Now I wonder, if its you... or if its me... or if its both of us. :C Things just aren't the same anymore, and I should really start respecting or more likely, expecting that.

Life changes, schedules change, priorities change. I just hope whatever it is, if I'm not anywhere on your changing landscape of your mind, you'd tell me. Truthfully. But I know you'll always be on mine.

I some how feel like I'm kicking a moutain out of an ant hill. But shouldn't things be said loud and clear.

What a day to feel like this. What a day.

Its not the actions that hurt the most, it's the thoughts behind the actions.

Recently I've been having recurring thoughts and dreams once again.

They don't spell anything pleasant for me.

**carrie**