a nightmare would be a life without you

Looking into The Mirror
Wednesday, May 18, 2005 10:36 AM

Receiving my results today, kinda ruffled my feathers quite a bit. Its a mingled kind of alarm, disappointment and hope- a weird emotion if I can even call it an emotion. I'm sure those who worked far harder than me will be feeling a totally different spectrum of emotions down the positive colourful end.

When I looked in the mirror when I got home today, what I saw staring back didn't surprise me. Behind all that layers I put up- what with me pretending to be what I've never been and the shell thicker than five coats of M&Ms. I don't know what others see in me when they actually start to be my friend or reach out to me. Do they know they're looking at a shell? Do they know thats not who I really am? Do they know that behind every layer, whats left isn't very attractive? Do they know its a warzone inside? Does the thought ever flash past that I am not who I am?

I know everyone puts on a mask. Everyone wants to hide something. But for me? What am I hiding? Everything?

I kinda lost it a little when TY started being a shit head about his results and taking it out on XY and me. I mean, so what if you've had it rough. Doesn't everyone? And then when Jenson tried to argue about the whole XY height incident... Yeah. Two wrongs don't make a freaking right, so? How you intend to 'solve' your injustice sure doesn't justify your claims about two wrongs don't make a right. Then I failed maths... I sure felt it coming. I know nothing. I really felt like peeling off all those layers and go hide. Why do I bother? What do I want to do anyway? I have had enough inner turmoil for one day.

I took a nap and yeah, I sure felt better.

And when I woke up, I started thinking, who am I really inside and is it about time to be true to me. When will I stop play acting? I mean, this act really sucks lah, but why do I still act my life away? Thats pretty stupid of me. So who am I?

Somewhere behind those familar yet unfamilar brown eyes, auburn hair, that strange face, that stubborness, that childhood fears, and all that fakeness I lie. Or do I still? Am I lost already? I mean, its been so long, how can I be sure I'm still there? This brings "Where is my Carrie, what have you done to her?" to a whole new level.

If I took everything I'm pretending to be away, I'd be pretty normal. In fact, less than normal. I'd be invisible. Probably the me from the time I was stuck in childcare.

I can never ever forget that memory. Its the saddest memory I've got of my childhood. Reading Kenneth's blog brought back of all memories, that one.

I really love going down to childcare. My disposition as a kid was generally sunny but shy. And I was a helluva weirdo but not yet loner. So when it was play time, I'd usually join in with other kids. But on that day, no one wanted to play with me and there was nothing left for me to play with. So... I just went to the balcony and sat there by myself staring at the sky. I remember the sky. It was blue. And I remember being bored and a little itty upset that no one was letting me play with them.

I remember having a good 'fight' friend called Cain. He was this kid who ALWAYS quarrelled a lot with me, but on that day he also didn't want to play with me. So maybe I was feeling very bad about myself.

Somehow one teacher came and she was asking me why I wasn't playing with the rest.

I just shook my head and did this really stupid thing. I dipped my finger into the wet white bird shit near by. And I was like shocked and stunned and not knowing what I'm doing.

She cleaned me up and asked me again. Then I told her no one was willing to play with me.

Was I a loner? Can't remember.

All I remember was the teacher stood up turned around and reprimanded the kids. And I felt like total shit in a kiddy way. The kind of feeling that you feel totally bad about getting everyone in trouble. I was standing in the middle of the play room and I felt totally crushed when I saw everyone glare at me as they dumped all their toys in front of me. That wasn't what I wanted... I really wished I had the guts to just tell them that. Everything disappears after that.

One day before I'm sixteen and I still can remember. Incredible. I can't even remember recent stuff and I remember such a bad memory. Until now thinking of it forms a lump in my throat. Its practically 'timeless'. So if theres ever a composition topic about most memorable childhood memory, thats it. Deprived childhood.

I'm still like the three year old me, just with a lot more masks.

Typing all that out made me feel all raw, but maybe writing it out will make me see a new side of the story, that its not all that sad. I hope it brings back happier memories. And I sure hope letting it all out helps me see everyday without the burden of a past sad memory.

So tomorrow, I'll be sixteen. That's pretty great age to be. Neither here nor there. Just stuck in the middle. But its cool.

I'm not all grown up yet. Not yet. I've still got a long way to go.

**carrie**