a nightmare would be a life without you

The Gruesome Truth
Saturday, July 30, 2005 10:09 AM

I would LOVE to be vegan after knowing the horrid, gruesome, heart wrenching truth. But I cannot give up eggs or beef (especially beef) and sweet smelling chicken, and have you even eaten pasta without bacon! Oh gawd... I can't BE VEGAN or VEGETARIAN.

Why not?

WHY NOT!?

Vegan means your main source of protein is from beans and tofu which is also bean anyway, and you cannot eat animal related products which means practically NO MORE GUMMY BEARS (because theres GELATIN in some or most which is from COW) or chocolates (because theres milk in it) and every other yummy wrummy foods you're probably eating now.

The agony!

How can ANYONE SURVIVE without meat oh glorious, glorious, meat, and eggs and milk... I'm a dairy product lover... AND NO CHEEEESE? Oh noo... Torture! Torture! Torture! TORTURE!

So I cannot be Vegan.

And I cannot be vegetarian even though it means I can eat eggs and cheese and everything else without meat in it... Its still... Agonizingly excrutiatingly painful! I mean what? I'm to eat cauliflower, lettuce, and long beans everyday? I can't live like this! CORRECTION! I can't survive like this!

Yes. I'm a selfish wart with half a kind heart (if its still alive that is).

Its such a pity that I love eggs and dairy products so much... Since young I've lived practically on only meat and meat alone (and eggs of course) while my sister was the veggie bin... So it would be like not a problem if my sister were to convert to VEGANISM (is that what you call it) or VEGETARIANITY (sounds wrong... hmmm... ). For me to convert into a vegan or even just a vegetarian would be like to ask me to jump from one end of the freaking long Great Wall of China to the other end. IMPOSSIBLE almost.

I say almost only because Adidas has this ad that says "Impossible is nothing." So yeah. Almost.
But back to the point... Yeah. Whats the horrifying truth thats rocking the foundation of my faith in carnivourous meat eating love?

I'd say NC-16. Wouldn't want the little kiddies to lose faith in meat and farmers now do we? Yes so 16 and above move on, if not, aiya, if you're emotionally and psychologically scarred for life... ... Its utterly sad! I'm just exaggerating! But its really bad. :X It pretty much made me so upset and guilty that I eat meat 85% of the day... So little kiddies, move along now. Theres a tiny 'X' box up there so if you're reading on and feel like sick and everything, you know where to click.

The worst case in milk producing cows. And I'm talking about this because its closest to my heart. (I LOVE MILK!)

For your info (because some of my friends are clueless about this) the female cow can only give milk and the male cow is not called a male cow, its called a bull and yes, its the kind you see on TV being waved at by a red piece of cloth which probably makes it mad because you're making him look stupid by waving a piece of cloth at it.

I asked TY, how do you think cows give milk?

And naturally he said just squeeze her udder and WOAH-LAA, milk oozes out into a metal bucket.
*TEH TEK!* WRONG HOR! WRONG!

If this was a bio question that'll give you only half a mark out of twelve or something.

Heres the real deal.

Milk cows are the saddest mothers on earth. On this planet. Even in living existence. You think milk just comes out from cows like theres no tomorrow, that its naturally occuring substance found in a cow udder right?
Yeah. I thought that happened too. Until the truth hit me in the face.

WRONG WRONG WRONG.

The cow is forced to become pregnant, only when a calf is born THEN there is MILK! If only things were so simple, so peaceful.

Then the calf is taken forcefully (yet again... brutal aren't we?) away from the mother and the cow spends her days calling out for her lost child day in and out. What she doesn't know is that her little baby is going to the butchers as VEAL. :X Sad isn't it?

Then when milk supply runs out. Wah. Guess what? We force her to be pregnant again.
If you think about it, what we're doing is almost like making a slave get raped repeatedly just so that we can take her children and her milk. Quite disgusting right?

And we condone all this just because shes just a cow. Shes not human. Shes just a cow...
SIGH. And I'm just too selfish to do my part.

I can't give up milk. Even after knowing the brutal painful sad truth I still don't have that little push inside to REALLY STOP drinking milk. A part of me tells me that even if I give it up others will still go on drinking milk and consuming beef and enjoy their wonderful hamburgers while I give up on great food just because I feel sad for cows. But another part of me tells me that at least I won't keep feeling guilty, I won't be contributing to the cow milking industry or whatever they call that industry. Oh gawd... But still... I fall to the dark side. I still drink milk. MILK. MILK. MIIIILLLLKKK...

OKAY! OKAY!

I think I'll take the first step. Soymilk and only soymilk now. Okay, I can't do that. Maybe I'll cut down my milk intake. Once a week? Then slowly I'll wean myself off milk. And then I'll just take Soybean every day when I need protein and calcium and all those minerals and stuff.

I'm still guilty, but a bit less guilty.

Oh well. I'm human and imperfect but at least I'm trying. At least I'm trying...
So now your innocent idea or lack of idea in fact (cos alot of us know and alot of us pretend not to) is soiled by this revealation. Everything isn't as simple as it seems as we grow older. In fact it keeps getting more and more complicated.

I don't like complication.

Not one bit,
carrie

The GREATEST of ALL EVILS
Thursday, July 28, 2005 11:10 AM

I'm living in the age of corny advertisements that can pass off as uber-cool, fast-food brands marketed and disguised as healthy meal choices and when lies have become real.

Yeah. Face it, marketing is about bringing **** to the potential customers face and yet not being able to smell the stench. In fact the **** starts smelling, "not that bad" after all.

Its pretty weird that we all mile around in school and get told off by teachers for telling lies, making up stories and pretending we didn't bring our homework when day in and out it seems as if lying is the only way to survive and thrive in this day, this age.

I think my brain is screwed up very badly by this book called POPCO which is basically about the perils of living as well as the evils of marketing.

It has made me look at everything with this new perception. Its like blogging is a fad because of marketing. Someone took it, made it explode and everyone is onto it. Same thing for everything thats successful. All mind tricks doing their job.

I mean, its true. If you don't believe me marketing is pure work of a diabolical evil genius or at least a group of diabolical evil geniuses we now call a marketing group or a 'focus group' in companies... Take a look at the music industry.

All it takes is ONE single TEENY WEENY (maybe) 'set up' website (which is part of an elaborate plan) to hail a certain up-and-coming pop group, convince ONE VERY POPULAR KID in any school (most likely rich one) that its the COOLEST thing to happen and BOOM! Everything falls in place. You've got the next 5566, F4, Ryan Cabrera. Whatever!

Which is why theres all that crap going around about no REAL talent in the music industry. My mom agrees with this all the time.

Seriously. Its EVIL. PURE EVIL. Marketing that is. Its a complicated web of lies which we buy all the time because really, we don't really notice anyway. We're humans, we don't like complicating things. We just assume that since other people like something, we should like it to and so we should invest in it or buy it since everyone is. Thats already getting yourself screwed by marketing. The next scenario is when you think you're different from everyone else and then thats when you become LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. Haha. Think about it. The people who want to be as different as possible from everyone else is the constant target of those marketing people. Heh. Whether you like it or not, marketing is here to screw you and your life! Making you buy the things you don't need when you don't need them most.

Heh. Which is why I wanna be a part of it in time. Heh. Its like screwing peoples brains without em knowing. You're a victim too, as much as I am and the rest of the world. We think something is cool because of marketing and that makes the industry involved VERY VERY RICH. HEH. HEH. HEH.

Interesting.

I like that book. It also teaches me quite a bit about maths and theories. Theres even one about us all being a computer game like an online RPG and that we have a bunch of people maintaining us like we maintain our online games and that it goes on and on and on in an endless loop. Hmm... ... I like that book.

Confused a little, maybe more than a little, okay, I admit, I'm REALLY CONFUSED with all this shit,
carrie

Dejavu
Monday, July 25, 2005 12:33 PM

I had the same dream again. The one about a flooded toilet that won't flush and a spirit which causes the toilet to stop flushing and flooding instead whenever you try to pee.

What the heck?

Yeah. But this time the dream told me more than the last time. A bit more detail as to why the unreasonable spirit did not allow me to pee in that toilet or others to do so.

Its funny but in the previous dream and the one I had last night, I was in a 'school' but I don't know what school it is, and there is a 'classroom' that has long been converted into a toilet. So in both dreams I rush to the toilet and find it flooded. The doors wouldn't close or shut and the windows were all curtained, covering the bars and the window panes beneath it.

In both dreams I could also hear children milling around outside, concerned about holding the door shut for me.
And so I 'peed' at the squat toilet, and then the toilet bowl would always choke and I would jump back and the place would start flooding, and always with me would be Clara. :X Which IS WEIRD! And we will all rush for the door and find it locked by a loud voice booming. It just keeps getting weirder doesn't it. And in both nightmares... we would bang desperately imploring the rest on the outside to get us out of that hell of a toilet. Everytime the windows would smash open and both Clara and me would be able to escape. In the first dream it ends there... But last night it didnt. I learnt more about the nightmare and why the place seemed to be haunted. Which is already making me feel all creeped out because who on earth would actually see a flooded toilet the size of a classroom?

Somehow I found out that the 'spirit' was looking for a stone that Clara refused to give. It was some witch stone (sounds like SMALLVILLE right?) or something. Don't you find it terribly creative of our subconcious minds to produce utterly crazy nightmares like this one?

Clara refuses to give it to him although it doesn't benefit him because she insists he will use it for bad means or something. But then I don't know how but I talked to the spirit and it claims that he had nothing to gain but freedom from the toilet (haha, sounds like Aladdin right?) and also to destroy the witch who will one day take all the fragments of the stone. :X I know its so uncanny, so weird, so WEIRDDDD of me to have such a nightmare!
Anyway, Clara and I have already found 3 parts of the stone which leaves one fragment stuck in a room one level up from the class. We cannot reach it because.... we cannot reach it. Its a blardy nightmare, some things are so illogical like not reaching something because you just can't do it?

I listened to the spirit and found it genuinely telling the truth so I told him the whereabouts. And he was so happy and everything.

Fastforward of the nightmare occurs and I find myself at home which really isn't mine with a little brother I never had in real life. Haha. :X

He is chewing on a vitamin pill thats orange and saying it will bind the spirit to us and he cannot move where we don't want him too. *WTH??* And I chewed it too.

I wonder why in nightmares and dreams you do STUPID things like that and believe it all.
And then I woke up.

WEIRD!

Omgomgomg. I think I have the most moronic of dreams. I think I'm watching too much TV.
And also I had a nightmare (last night) that I had my two front teeth knocked out and then everything else fell out because I had 'weak gums'.

I was devastated (in the nightmare) and I refused to talk to anybody or look at anybody.

Then I woke up.

So my greatest fear is automated squat toilets and becoming 'bogay' lah. But having an extended version of my greatest fears in a nightmare which also has a story spinned around it is crazy in the absurd kinda way.
While other people are afraid of cockroaches (I am too), and heights (nah. I think heights are cool.) and ghosts (er... not really), I'm mortally afraid of auto flush squat toilets and becoming 'bogay'. Uh huh.

Creeped out,
carrie

Age Is Catching Up On Me. FAST.
Friday, July 22, 2005 9:29 AM

I'm forgetting things.

VERY OFTEN these days.

Its not that scary if you isolate all the tiny incidents, but it DOES get scary when you yell at supposedly one of your closest friends because you forgot that he has already done something which he was supposed to do for you.

Its a good thing we're all good friends. Wouldn't wanna think about what would happen if it was Moo Moo or someone else I yelled at. World War Three? Maybe. But then again, familiarity breeds contempt so I probably wouldn't have gone off my rocker if I misunderstood someone else. I mean, we only yell at people we know better right? Just because we're too comfortable around them... Its a wrong and very horrid attitude, but we're all only human.

No excuse Carrie, no excuse.

Oh man, I'm monologue-ing (I have a problem with spelling this word) again. So I'm pretty psychotic PLUS FORGETFUL. But then again, don't we all when we blog?

I also forgot that Dory from Finding Nemo is not neccessarily a DORY FILLET. Hmm... But then again I bet nobody cares whether or not she's an Australian catfish. We all think shes the cute absent-minded LITTLE BLUE FISH anyway. So who cares if I accidentally referred to her as THE DORY FILLET in Finding Nemo.
Oh man, I'm walking off topic. See what I mean. I'm getting so forgetful and absent minded its scaring me.

I think I won't be so suay as to be the minority who suffers from Alzeimers because like NO WAY! And its too typical. Everyone thinks they're getting it when they're not. I think its just a temporary stress related memory loss.
But I think I was pretty mean today! I mean, I yelled very furiously at TY for 'misplacing' my CCA form when the truth was he had already handed it to me in the morning. The problem was it also slipped his mind he had given it to me already. So I HARPED (oh my GOSH!) on it for the WHOLE day only until the last period when I packed up and realized it was stuffed under my marker set for an entire morning. Oh gosh! I was so embarrassed! I mean I yelled at him and everything and I was entirely guilty about everything I said and how suaned him!

I'm glad he was cool about it. In fact when I apologized later at BK during lunch, he said he quite enjoyed having the power to 'suan' me back about things. So we're okay.

But shucks! Until now I CANNOT FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD remember that scene where he passes me the paper. In fact I cannot recall much of my early morning. :X

I think its stress. Too much to handle, so little time. With Racial Harmony and MATHS and failing MATHS and CHEMISTRY. OMIGOD. I'm driving myself nuts!

Gotta calm down somehow. I'm NOT going bonkers.

Cool it,
carrie

On Sensitivity or rather the Lack Of It
Wednesday, July 20, 2005 12:55 PM

I bet you know exactly how extremely peevish it feels when a bumbling idiot pushes all the wrong buttons producing the combination for utter stupidity. In other words, yes, I bet you know how it feels to meet a moron.
Its not the first time for me. But I'm a move-on type of person so yeah. Let bygones be bygones, let sleeping dogs lie. Yes. Yes. Yes. I will, if only you let me.

Meet Ken Lam. You may find it strange I refer to him as Ken Lam and not as just plain ol' Ken, but thats because I think his name has long become KEN LAM more than anything else in the world. Anything that doesn't have two syllables doesn't sound normal at least in relation to Mr Lam.

Mr Ken has less manners and sensitivity than an emotionless plate. And I dare say, he tries too hard to be 'in' or hang out with the normal people or something.

Its not that I think he's abnormal, but he KEEPS doing things to remind you that he isn't really a normal person even though you don't think hes off his rocker or mad or mentally unsound.

Its like he's stuck in that P6 primary school boy phase where you do all the wrong things to sound right. When you try to act normal but end up sticking out like a sore thumb. The period of life when you think you've got it when you've not at all.

He's the kind of person you pity so much you TRY VERY HARD to be nice to him, but manages to tumble down that nice wall of mingled sympathy and friendliness you try to build for him. And he's definitely someone who never fails to make you both angry and sorry for at the same time because if you don't, you're obviously someone very mean.

I was so mad at him I couldn't help but say this when we were talking about career options when growing up, "What do you think Ken will be when he grows up? (Stops for a moment.) IF he grows up."

This in other words, makes him the most irritating person to be acquainted with. And also that makes him one of the most frustrating challenges you meet in school. You can't be friends with him and you can't NOT be friends with him.

I don't think I'm very friendly but there IS a limit to what you can push in school you know.

There IS a pecking order. Eat that. If you can't beat that or ignore that, you HAVE to live with that. THATS LIFE. Nothing is fair. So I wonder why Ken still thinks he's a solitary figure whose actions will only affect HIMSELF and HIMSELF only. The world doesn't revolve around you Ken... *Rolls eyes* The world doesn't stop to say, "Hey little fella, I see you have problems. I'll stop spinning around my little axis to help you."
The world spins on whether you freaking like it or not. Accept it. If you cannot then you can forever continue to 'survive' around here.

First things first, rumours aside. Yeah. Ken is weird, but 'ok' for awhile. We get to know him. TRY OUR BEST to treat him normally and hope that he doesn't act all sticky and weird on us the way some P4 kids do when they have no friends. But somehow he doesn't allow people to treat him normally. HE HAS to do something totally unacceptable ethically or morally or something to get you all fired up and furious with him. If he doesn't do that he's not Ken or something.

I applaud Clara for her undying kindness to people who freak the hell out of me. Seriously. She has this degree of patience which exceeds my own almost 360 degrees. I mean, I can be pretty patient with people sometimes, but not ALL the time and Ken is the case when I say "NOT ALL THE TIME".

He gets on my nerves and there is only so much I can take from him! I mean WHY DOES HE HAVE TO ACT LIKE AN IDIOT? To think I actually thought MAYBE just MAYBE one day we could all be just friends you know.

Numero Uno. He's afraid of teachers. Yeah. He EXPECTS everyone to be helping him all the way. He EXPECTS people to do what he wants them to. Thats fine. That problem WILL go away when he finally grows up.

Secondly, he doesn't have priorities. Maybe he does and that is to go home immediately after school for GAWD KNOWS WHAT? People try very hard to tell him that he has to stay at school for this class or that class or listening O level or something and he just doesn't care. It IS his responsibility to know and when we tell him its important he hecks us. Hello! That is like SO rude!

Third point. Mr Lam ignores us when we care. Okay. In particular ME. I cannot STAND IT when people ignore me. Sometimes I try and I really do to act normally but he doesn't think I deserve a chance to treat him like a living breathing human being. I think he secretly wants me to treat him like some teeny weeny bacteria cell or something because he absolutely gives me NO chance to form a friendship properly.

And last but not at all the least, KEN LAM gets on my nerves because he's a JERK and I mean EQless JERK! I don't think I can ever score really high for EQ but not this low on my meter man! Not this low! Today he stepped on my toes real hard and he thinks its funny. I don't mean it literally of course. He went around greeting people with, "You're gonna fail your English Prelim Oral" and also with "Yay!" plastered at the back.
HELLO BAD EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN MALE SPECIES! HELLO! Me, the very bad excuse for human male species because I am in no way male thinks that YOU'RE A VERY BAD EXCUSE! Wake up can? People with functioning brains can tell them you DO NOT ENCOURAGE your friends in the midst of an exam by saying horrid stupid things like, "You'll fail your oral."

HELLO? YOU BRAINLESS AH? OR JUST A BIG MEAN PERSON WITH NO HEART, NO SOUL, NO FEELING?

Then when Clara asked him why he said that he just shrugged nonchalantly and added, "I don't know. It makes me feel good."

WTH?

Look at me Ken. Do you THINK its funny. I bet you do. But the question here is NOT ABOUT YOU. Its about this game called life that YOU and everyone else has to play. You are not supposed to DO things (and moronic things like this) because YOU think its very funny. Your ONE action can actually influence MANY lives you know that? And this game called life is about YOU and OTHER PEOPLE. Not just YOU. Do you even think I THINK its funny?

I know you have a brain Ken... Don't pretend you don't just so you can continue doing weird brainless idiotic stuff without being blamed. Theres a word to describe that. I believe its COWARD.
Whatever lah. Whatever.

I looked him very angrily in the eye and said this.

"You have NO EQ. No IQ. And worst of all, you have little to no knowledge of being friendly. Why do I even bother about you?"

I think I said something along those lines.

And I wonder to myself now. WHY do I even bother really. I shouldn't care. I give up really. Clara I don't know how you do it but everyone has a limit and KEN has hit 100 degrees. My thermometer cannot register anything higher before it explodes into smithereens so yeah. Good luck. And of course luck is not enough. I think God Bless would be more appropriate.

Fuming,
carrie

One Mazda. One Jam.
Monday, July 18, 2005 3:17 AM

I was at Marine Cove yesterday for Zero Infinity! :P Yes! Yes! Yes! I was at the Straits Times 160th guess the riddle thing because there was the School Of Rock band preview and ZI would be performing!

I was pretty bummered because I thought I couldn't make it. I mean, bummer lah! Haha. Before I called Dearie on Friday I wasn't expecting it to be in the morning (the Marine Cove thingy) and then I told my tuition teacher it was a-ok for a morning tuition session from 8.30am to 10.30am. So yeah. Was all set, then I called dearie and he told me that the performance (at least theirs) was at 10.50am. I was like you know the sweatdrop in anime? And then theres this gloomy black backdrop thing? Haha. Yeah I was like that.

So dearie said he'd pay for my cab fare if I zoomed down after my tuition since I was so bummered about it and I wanted to watch them so badly.

So yeah...

After tuition yesterday I took MRT to Bedok and wanted to catch a cab there when I couldn't! Haha. And then Dearie called to say there was a HUGE jam.

So I took MRT again, this time to Eunos to catch bus no. 13 which was supposed to get me to Marine Parade and I'm supposed to walk through the underpass.

When I reached there was this crowd. I mean INCREDIBLE human jam! I was like, "Is this the right place a not?"

It was. And I didn't know why everyone was all over the place.

Found out later that there was a lucky draw for a Mazda car! No wonder! So kiasu leh! The human jam was the kind of pack body to body type where you have to cling onto your bag or risk getting stuck.

I squeezed from the pathway near the beach all the way into the Marine Cove area. Oh my GAWD! I was gasping for air! :X I JUST WANT TO SUPPORT MY FAVOURITE BAND! LIKE GIMME A BREAK OLD PEOPLE. I was wondering if the bands had so many relatives or something. Then I heard the MC talk about the Mazda... GAH! So thats what its all about!

I squeezed all the way, panicking... I mean, what if I couldn't see them? CANNOT! So I took out my phone and tried to call but the signal was jammed or something. Couldn't get my call connected! So I was stuck outside Cafe Gelare, together with other sweaty bodied individuals whose only aim is to hope to win a MAZDA CAR. ULTIMATE BUMMER.

Its really weird, but after the lucky draw, WHOOSH. Gone is the crowd and I was like running home run to the stage! Haha. Lucky me, Zero Infinity wasn't performing yet. *BLISS*

Hohoho.

They were great! I mean, who doesn't love good music right? Haha. I thought it was mighty catchy! :P ZERO INFINITY YOU GUYS DID GREAT LAH! Heh. I haven't seen them so into giving a performance before. I mean usually Hanafie serenades his microphone stand, Dearie looks constipated and stoned, Sutrisno looks very focussed and Jue Yi just drums, but yesterday they were much much much MUCH more alive.

Hanafie was serenading the audience, making lots of eye contact and all, Dearie looked a bit worried but he and Su did a fantastic jump in the air thingy at the end which was pretty cool! Haha. And the whole feel of the song was like pulled up a notch cos it was just so much faster and all. :)

Okay people! ZERO INFINITY is gonna perform for the SEMIS at Junction8 this coming weekend! AHHH! MUST GO SUPPORT AND VOTE VOTE VOTE UNDERSTAND! Do ALL this for the sake of good music! Singapore needs it! :)

Haha. On the way back from Marine Cove, there was a jam. So it WAS for the MAZDA. Haha. One mazda... ONE HUGE JAM. So greedy! I mean that means most of them have cars already! Then what are they doing lusting for another! *TUT TUT TUT* Hehe. So Singapore of us ah! Haha. Always aim for more. Not really a bad thing, but yea, it irks me that I had to push through a crowd who weren't interested in bands only the Mazda! :C

And quoting one old uncle to his wife, "Oh no! A band is playing, I repeat a band is playing. Lets go."
So mean! :P MEAN OLD MEANIE! Like your MAZDA is most important liddat! HARUMPH!
LOVE MUH DEARIE. Why? Cos hes so sweet... And he looks so cute when he's sleeping.

Lots and Lots of Love,
carrie

Whos calling Who Inconsiderate NOW?
Tuesday, July 12, 2005 9:07 AM

Stop calling us students inconsiderate.

Why? Because you live in Singapore and you're one of us too. You're every bit as inconsiderate as us.

The forums on Sunday Times are flooded most of the time with 'kaypoh', 'judgemental' so called adults, who feel we students are a pain in their asses. We take the aisle seats, we don't move back, we don't give our seats to the elderly, we don't this, we do that. Complain complain complain about our behaviour and lack of courtesy.

Hello! Who gave you the right to pass judgement on all of us?

When I painstakingly move to the back in attempt to be kind for a speedy bus trip, all I see are people unwilling to make the second move although I've already made the first. SO WHAT if the students aren't moving. Don't you have a pair of feet too? Don't you have a brain that tells you, "Theres space, should move." or a heart that says, "They don't move, I'll move." All you do is blame it on the cocked up area and the students. They don't move, YOU can. By not moving or at least trying to make your way to the back just because the people in front of you aren't moving makes you every bit as inconsiderate as them.

Everyone wants to stand near the door. Thats a fact. It may be inconsiderate, but if you think they're blocking up, just squeeze pass (since you're in a position to comment about their moral standards) and head to the back like the rest of the considerate students.

About the aisle seat. Has it ever occured to you that you could always ask for them to move in? But no! You don't want to open your golden mouth, so BLAME it ALL on the poor inconsiderate aisle seater. I don't think what they are doing is in any way inconsiderate. I mean, since you obviously don't think asking for the seat is worth opening your mouth for, you don't really need the seat!

And about the flak students get for 'sleeping' on buses and avoiding the poor stares from old folks. Let me say my piece. I see MORE students giving up their seats to those grannies and the lao gong gongs than adults. I may plug in my earpiece and listen to music and read a book, but I'm not oblivious to the surroundings. When I see an old person, I will give up my seat. Most of the time students don't give it up because the old person is TOO FAR away! And if I sit up someone younger like those accusing adults will take the seat leaving the poor old person without a seat in the end!

Sometimes I feel, adults are just pushing all the blame on us, the younger generation. I dare say, alot of us are more morally upright than most adults.

And who were the ones who taught us to be selfish. Its not our parents. Its the adults in general.
You think you're all grown up. Fact is, some of us are more grown up than you, you group of bad excuses for adults.

Blame us all you want because we're but a mirror and the fingers pointing back at you,
carrie

Sweet Sweet Memories
Monday, July 11, 2005 11:25 AM

Its strange how many beautiful times we've had together... So uncanny I can remember so many parts, pieces of dates we've had together. It slips away now and then, but comes back again one day out of the blue.

Today happened to be the day they came rushing back. And I welcome them back into the deep corners of my memory... I rather they stay within the dark crevices than get washed away by the present and future.
Reminiscing is a wonderful thing. It gives me this warm feeling and at the same time, it makes me miss those times although I know there will be many more better ones.

My first date with dearie... So weird. Can't exactly remember how we met at all. In fact I can't even recall. I can remember our first date and the time he said my voice sounded auntie... (Women bear grudges more deeply than men by the way. LOL!) I was late for school that morning. As usual. Sleepy ass me. Had detention. It was 'Zhong Qiu Jie' and we had planned to hit Sentosa (Siloso Beach) to 'celebrate' - light candles, create fireworks, play with lanterns that kinda stuff. Before that day he had already played around with candles and he created a 'C' just for me out of round white candles. I thought he made it for someone else, but it was for me... I was very touched...

The whole day... I really felt like a kid again... And I loved being a kid again.

He was so sweet. As always, so sweet. Crazy though but SWEET. *Gushes*

He piggy backed me to shore. He cut his leg and still went ahead... I was so flustered! Still he beared with it. :)

Bravely.

I don't know why these thoughts or rather memories came back today, but I swear its the rain.
He shielded me from the rain, getting so so so wet... And it reminded me that even after all those quarrels and slight disagreements over little things. It still felt the same way.

GIRLS LOVE CHIVALRY. Me included. :P

Little little things... Like sending me home even when he's tired. I appreciate it, although I seldom tell him that. I'm just so... GAH. I don't know why. Lol.

Little little things like a warm hug when I'm cold.

Little little things like carrying my heavy ESPRIT tote even though (in his own words) "ESPRIT IS FOR GIRLS!"

Little little things like a phone call...

I love my dearie.

Sometimes all it needs is to remember all the good times, and all those silent cooped up unhappiness piled up because of my self-centredness just flies away. All I need is a little rain to brighten up my day. Man, am I weird.

Lots of Love (especially to my dearie),
carrie

Bad Karma?!
Saturday, July 09, 2005 1:08 PM

I think my overly agitated response towards Jenny's ferocious detailed argumentative styled comments have brought me VERY WERY bad karma. Yes. I'm sure of it.

I don't believe in karma because I don't know what it actually really means, I think its like eye for an eye kinda thing, and er... I only know it builds up either way. Its like some point system. The more bad stuff you do, hohoho, the more you're in for it. So I guess the only explanation for my Friday bad luck spell must be BAD KARMA! (I think I'm just making an excuse for all the frustration I've had today.)

I didn't mean to go on a ranting spree again. Actually, this isn't exactly a ranting spree... Just detailing a bad day in the life of carrie.

Clara says that it is nothing to do with retribution and that its just my depressed negative pessimism dragging my whole day down. Ironically I tell her this all the time. So in other words I slapped myself in the face more than once today. I'll forgive myself for being temporarily disillusioned. I'll have to make an effort to get over this bad moody phase. Hope it goes away soon.

Whatever it is, here it goes. All out, not holding it in. Remove it from my system and live tomorrow like today never happened. Or something like that.
I expected today to be a wonderful day. Unfortunately strange events plummet me into depths of negativity today. :X First was my right contact lens. It broke. THIS IS THE SECOND PAIR! And I have never in my life broken TWO contact lenses (the right side too!) within two months! I mean! I've always been so careful with them... And the thing is, this has never happened until I got my new box of lenses from another shop so I was REALLY frustrated.

Because of that ran a little off schedule. Reached the bus stop at the same time I always do everyday. Seems like I missed the bus. And the next bus which would be the only bus that I could take to make it in time for school was late or crashed or GOD knows where it went! The bus came ten minutes later than usual. Horrible! And I was late.

Things wouldn't be so bad if only I was third time lucky. Unfortunately I wasn't. I was third time unlucky. I ALMOST got not only detention BUT ALSO an offense form. It was a miracle I spotted a mistake the councilliors made! :C I hate councilliors who tick my name wrongly! I was booked for being late on the 1st of July when I clearly wasn't late at all! That totally made me upset. Unsettled me. I told them they made a mistake and they said they would clarify with my form teacher.

Yet when I reached class and the teacher came in... I asked my form teacher and she said no councillior had yet clarified with her about the late-coming issue. She confirmed with me I wasn't marked late at all and that it was possible the councilliors made a serious boo-boo.

Okay, that I let go, since I was innocent.

Then during recess, I thought, MAYBE, just MAYBE things would turn out okay for the rest of the day. BUT NOOOO. When I brought my recess back to class, TY was sitting in my chair. And being irritable (cos I was standing there for a long time) I snapped at him a little more snappishly than usual. Being TY he tried to jokingly attitude by kicking back from the chair and moving away.

HE KNOCKED OVER MY SACRED ORANGE JUICE! ARGH!

It dribbled ALL over my worksheets, the NEW ones too! And my table

.
I WAS FREAKING BURNING BUBBLING MAD.

I lost control for a moment. I was so frustrated, so lost, so irritated. I felt like nothing was going right today and THIS had to happen to make it worse.

I got so angered at everything (rather than at TY though) that I started punching his arm. I punched alot harder and with alot more strength than I usually do... And I was just raving mad. Insane. I HAD TO PUNCH SOMETHING. I HAD TO KICK SOMETHING. I FELT SO OVERWHELMED. I have never felt that much anger, as in this serious, in a long time. I don't even think I've ever been this furious ever!

Clara finally got me to cool down, and TY was apologetic and all... They helped me clean up my table and dry my worksheets and I stayed rather quiet albeit moody for the rest of lesson (mainly emaths which I don't really like anyway).

When I'm all calmed down then realization dawns.

I lost my tie.

FREAK!

And it all began again. The unending cycle of frustration thats stealing centre stage in my life today. Emotionally draining today has been. :C And one of the most violent ones too.
Good thing Clara and TY found out Kenneth found it. So all is safe and happy again! May Hendel's Chorus play in loops for awhile.

At least the day was partially salvaged.

Had detention which was one hour of being at peace with myself... I talked to an old friend, had a bit of joking, shared old times... Haha. Things worked out.

Thank God Clara was there for me, cheering me up, calming me down. Thank God TY wasn't angry with me for hitting him for spilling my orange juice. Thank God Kenneth was willing to listen.

Oh my God. Today is just one of those cursed VOODOO days. I don't know if theres someone cursing me or something!

Quoting Kenneth, "Give you a tip. If the day totally sucks, sleep early, end the day and look forward to tomorrow."

He's right. Clara is right. Shall hug my bolster and sleep soon. Nothing can get worse. Tomorrow will be just fine.

Faith in tomorrow,
carrie

My Take On Gender (In)Equality
Friday, July 08, 2005 1:07 PM

Let me set things straight before I get worked up and everyone misunderstands me.

a) I am not letting my period act up on me and my temper. I just find this un-nerving.
b) I have nothing against Jenny, just his insensitive views toward the weaker vessel.

Jennywawa's comment post has sparked something within. It refuses to end up at the bottom of my stomach. I cannot stomach this sentence which he posted, "Hence being a woman does not give you a bigger price tag than any of us."

Specifically that made me go kaboom inside.

Correction Jenny, it does. It definitely does.

I'm a firm believer that women were made to be the 'weaker vessel' in a sense. Hold your horses aspiring feminists, I'm on your side, just that I meant 'weaker vessel' as in a more emotional, more temperamental way. We don't hold tears in as well. GENERALLY. Make that GENERALLY.

I've seen my mother suffer all because she is a woman. So what if she has a high threshold for pain? So what?

She still suffers.

I don't understand Jenny, why don't you respect that we're all not made equal? We are made differently, of different proportions. And unfortunately, women lose out in the society for now. All we've got is a facade and hidden talent. We're squashed by a male dominated society. Till now, boys and men are still considered 'better' than girls or woman.

Respect your mum Jenny. RESPECT. The physical and mental pain from pregnancy till birth of child, from growing up till growing old. Watching her children grow up... All these are pains.

And most of the time, not many of them benefit from all this pain Jenny. Not all. Not everyone is lucky.
To one day become pregnant, a woman must menstruate. A pain. A helluva emotional rollercoaster. And then comes pregnancy, more pain. Don't tell me a woman does not have a bigger pricetag than men. Don't try to tell me that. Because you see Jenny, guys benefit in the end.

If a guy gets divorced so what?

If a man has an affair so what?

But reverse that.

When a woman gets divorced. Her life is almost certainly turned upside down.

If a woman has an affair she is instantly labelled cheap.

We live in a conservative society although we all think we don't.

Jenny. Pretty shallow to think we're all equal.

I don't think you'll see my point seeing your a guy. But I know guys who will... ... And guess why guys in Singapore cannot get married? Of course women expect more. More relative to the past. But why? Because women lose more in the end. But I don't expect you to understand.

I know where I stand. I know the sacrifices I will have to make one day when I get married or have children. I know how vulnerable it leaves me... All these are pricetags. Don't try telling me we have equal pricetags. We don't.

Equality will never be though we try.

I don't expect you, Jenny, to understand,
carrie

Look Whos Here For A Visit
Thursday, July 07, 2005 1:05 AM

YAH. She's back. *Stomps around exasperated*

She is back TERMINATOR style. And man is she terminating my happy genes, my happy chromosomes, my happy cells, and my happy everything!

Today should have been one of the happiest days of my life (yeah I know, I say happiest days loosely and not really literally) because Clara has decided to pass me her library borrowed "ANGELS AND DEMONS" by Dan Brown (which I have been dying to read since I read two of his books).
BUT IT WASN'T!

All because she paid me a visit.

Girls, you should know who came. Guys, don't feign innocence. You know who it is. Or rather what it is.
I'm not talking about the monster in my closet or the evil green eyed evil of all evils like a distant unknown relative from Mars. I'm talking about my 'YI MA' and for those who still catch no ball, the woman in red who visits females every single month. Almost every single month. This is like so obvious. And guys, don't need to pretend. I know you know. Don't feign ignorance. Accept it. This natural phenomenon is not such a phenonmenon anymore. Don't say "Don't know what you talking you!" All guys should get it and know I'm talking about period lah!

Just in time too. To debunk Jenny's white uniform theory. That staining isn't a problem.
IT IS OKAY! Periods are a pain. STAINING IS A BIGGER PAIN. AND PEOPLE WHO THINK WHITE UNIFORMS ARE COOL... Okay won't go there.

I know my skirt was stained by my period's impromptu in the middle of school visit. Hello! Lucky its brown. So now my skirt looks like there are patches of mudstains here and there. Maybe for the not so imaginative its just oil stains. But heck it, I KNOW ITS MY PERIOD STAIN. :C

Can't imagine if its white. Jenny SEE! Just because you don't notice doesn't mean it doesn't happen! Just because you stare at a clock and it doesn't seem to move means it doesn't move! Time still moves. Thats what I've been trying to tell you. ITS INEVITABLE THAT STAINING SHOULD OCCUR! AND WHITE SKIRTS ARE GONNA BE A BANEEE! *Shrieks*

I'm all moody and all. GAH! :C

I feel like yelling at everyone, snapping at everyone... But I feel so tired to do that. Snapping feels so tedious as it is. And I can't stop feeling jumpy. WHY? WHY? WHY?

The price of the ability to be pregnant. And then when you're pregnant, theres another price tag. Being a woman is one giant price tag. Ooooghh. :X

I am being such a spoilt brat and I'm rarely ever like this! Thats whats frustrating. BEING SO TOTALLY UNCARRIE, UNMYSELF, UN-NATURAL. (And as dearie occasionally exclaims, "WHO ARE YOU? WHERE IS CARRIE? AND WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER?")

And its just great that I have X-country on Saturday. Hope the whole I wanna kill my own period feeling goes away by then. Even if it doesn't I have to MAKE IT go away (my er... murderous feelings not my period) because I GOT TO FACE IT.

The cramps are kicking in.

Great. Next time when I'm twenty odd, married and pregnant, I'll have contractions and cramps will feel like the need to pee. BUT NOW ITS LIKE GAARAHRRJKARJ!

I'm so sad for the guys... ... Haha. So sad for dearie... He's gotta put up with my almost delirious period temper tantrums, my sudden unreasonable nature, my temporary feet stomping, and my occasional insatiable cravings. And I so want to lose weight at the same time. Looks like all hell breaks loose today.
No wonder I'm feeling messed up.

Tell me I'm not alone (not that it's gonna help much)... ... Oh never mind. GOTTA FIGHT THIS WAR WITH MY HORMONES. Need to jab myself with pheromones or whatever you spell them, the cute stuff you get when you eat chocs or when you ... ... Nevermind.

Fighting a war,
be back soon,carrie

Geraaaaaaahhhhneeeemo!
Monday, July 04, 2005 12:46 AM

Part of my day was weirded out.

I got bombed and it kinda went like this.

Dearie: Woah. I see the birds are back.
Me: Uh huh. I bet that one over there is like "HEY THATS MY SEAT!"
Dearie: I didn't know you knew birdspeak? Whats that one saying?
Me: You see the bird is probably screeching at the car like, "Get out of my way. Don't block me! I want to watch my show one!"
Dearie: Yeah lor. I know what that one is saying. He's probably like "Tweet" which means I'm gonna go cine and watch a movie today.
Me: Hehe.
Dearie: And the other one is like, "Tweet tweet tweet. Tweet. Tweet!" which means (insert alot of nonsense)
Me: No lor... Its saying, "WHY YOU TRANSLATE FOR ME WRONGLY! I'm NOT SAYING ALL THAT! SPOIL OUR NAME ONLY!"

PIAK.

Me: EEEEEE(YURR)! Whats that?
Dearie: Its not bird sh_t (poo) right?
Me (looks at watery whitish raw egg whitey substance on arm): IT IS LAH!
Dearie: No lah... Won't be so suay right?Me (WHINES): IT IS! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!Dearie: Theres a toilet there. No worries.Me: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (Nervous laugh before chionging to the toilet)

Moral of the story: Never wage war on the birds at Somerset. If necessary, do so discretely. Never ever say it out too loud. If trees have ears, there is definitely no reason why birds do not own a set.
You have already been warned by Auntie Carrie okay! Don't say I never say! DISCRETELY! DISCRETELY!

Gah,
carrie

Clara Said.
Sunday, July 03, 2005 10:15 AM

As we were walking home (TY, Clara and I) after school one day last week, we all started talking about our band which is still in the gestation periods. And I said, "It will never make it big." Because after all we talk about it like FOREVER but we never get down to doing much about realizing it. So we'll always be pregnant mothers and we'll never give birth to our little pride and joy.
Haha.

TY then teased me (or rather 'SUANED' me) saying that I would never ever make it.
Then Clara immediately answered for me (I'm used to the suaning cos we do it all the time), "Carrie, you'll make it big."

And suddenly, even though I had this major ego bursting moment a second ago, I felt assured of myself.
Trust Clara to be full of empathy and all. She always seems to say the best things at the best times. Unlike me. I think I'm too self centred and full of self love to know what to say. But I try.

Even if I don't make it big one day (I didn't get what Clara meant actually. Make it big in what sense?) I'll remember what Clara did to encourage me all this while.

I wasn't exactly a one time hit with Clara and I think it was mutual. Maybe she didn't hate my guts and sloppyness, but I know we weren't exactly best friend material for each other when I first met her. Haha. But we worked out after last year. Secondary Two was a tulmultous time I tell you. Lol. Clara was like a ticking time bomb and I'm like a heat sensor time bomb which will explode if she explodes. We had our fallouts.
Don't know why, how... OH! Cos of TY suddenly things got better. Its strange how sometimes things work out.
I'm TY's 'shijie' (big sister in like a 'sect' but in my case cos of a leadership group) and we had the same 'shifu' so... We usually joked around and hung out, but not so much. One day TY decides he likes Clara and then I became the mastermind. Haha. :D Guess who tied the red knots?

ME!

I'm so proud of myself.

Lol.

Anyway, after that the three of us hung out more and then I became the 'dian deng pao', the brightest lightbulb in history. But I don't think they mind lah. XD

Thats how the three of us become close friends.

Which is weird.

I still think its really weird whenever I think about it.

The unlikely clique.
Hmm...

Gonna go eat my 'ROU GU CHA' (BAK KUT TEH) instant mee.
Hungry,
carrie

P.S: I found out my prepaid card allows me to send mms blogs. GAHH. Haha. Just when I'm low on cash I make a realization like this one!

Nadra (Creative Writing Essay Entry)
Saturday, July 02, 2005 1:22 PM

I wrote this recently for my submission to my school's Creative Writing Competition. Haven't seriously written any competition material in awhile. Last time was like what? Early this year? But oh well, do give me truthful comments. I accept constructive comments or just plain nit picky comments are fine. I just want the painful hard truth. Have to accept criticism like a man! Er... Okay. I mean a like a girl with some serious backbone! :D So hit me with those critism! (It does help if you tell me specifically where to improve on too though.)

Lots of Love,
carrie

NADRA

This is a fictional account based on the gruesome December 1950 Maria Hertogh riots. The Maria Hertogh riots took place in Post-War Singapore. The riots, which lasted for 3 days, took 18 lives and left over 178 wounded, was one of the worst racial riots in Singapore.

~

He first set eyes on this strange looking girl that fateful Hari Raya in a little shophouse in Rangoon Road near the clutter of junk he called home. The effulgence and sounds of great merry-making had drawn his attention. He tottered there like a winged insect fascinated by light while his stomach rumbled agonizingly. He was a young boy emaciated by prolonged hunger, face cadaverous with cold when he peered into that shophouse.

He found her awfully outlandish, that foreign girl. She wasn’t at all like any of the girls living in the kampongs he stole from. Her high forehead, her long lashes, and her long pointed nose, no, she couldn’t be Malay even though she was in the company of his kind. He was about to turn his interest to the kenduri piled sky high on the table when he heard her, that same orang balat, prattle to the crowd in a familiar language- his own tongue - Melayu.

“They wouldn’t let me come, ibu.” She whined. “I pleaded with the Matron, but they wouldn’t grant me the permission.” All this she said in fluent Malay. This rattled him and he couldn’t help but continue scrutinizing her and her animated blabbering about her ‘imprisonment’ in the convent (whatever that was). He was utterly amazed.

As the night grew frost-bitingly cold, he finally tore his gaze off her and scurried back to the dark side of Rangoon Road covered in the shadows of poverty. Just as he was about to turn away from the window, he heard them call out to her, that girl whom he had been so enraptured by, “Nadra… We’re so happy we can eat all these goodies with you today.”

So that was her name.

He had forgotten what he had come out for. He went back empty handed but no longer famished.

~

The dismal monotony of his life had almost led Aadil to forget that girl, Nadra whom he had spied six months ago during the Hari Raya celebrations at one of the shophouses in Rangoon Road. That was until he heard about ‘that Dutch girl’ from the kaypoh Uncle Yuusof (whom he had intended to steal from) selling currypuffs down the road.

“That Dutch girl ah…” He dragged the ‘ah’ in attempt to garner as much attention as possible from the aunties who would regularly pop down to his stall to buy some of his famous chicken currypuffs. “She’s causing her foster mother Che Aminah and her real mother that Mrs Hertogh so much heartache you know. They just cannot reach a compromise… But I’m sure you’ve already heard about it… So I won’t talk about it anymore.”

Aadil cocked his head to one side and stared imploringly at Uncle Yuusof, “What is it old man? Just finish what you were about to say.”

Was that Dutch girl the same girl? Was she that girl, what was her name? Oh. Nadra. Was she that same intriguing person?

“Why should I tell you boy?” Uncle Yuusof said fully cognisant of the boy’s fervid inquisitiveness.

Aadil knew he would get nothing out of this man if he did not buy any currypuffs from him. Business in exchange for a bit of juicy gossip was how Uncle Yuusof worked.

“Forget it gossip-monger.” Aadil spat and swaggered away.

He had little idea how right he was. Nadra was stirring up a whirlwind of conundrums in the British dominated courtrooms. While the rest of the world threw in their two cents worth on the court case between the foster mother Che Aminah and the biological mother Mrs Hertogh, building up a discordant hum of human voices everywhere, Aadil spent his days beseeching gullible passebys for money and stealing from those who refused him.

~

The fracas was building up. Livid crowds of Malay supporters of Che Aminah were gathered outside the Appeal Court. Many were flinging shrill guttural imprecations at the Europeans.

“How unreasonable! Che Aminah brought that girl up! She had better get custody of Nadra!” one middle aged Malay man exclaimed furiously.

Another voice loud and booming shouted, “The girl doesn’t wish to return to her biological parents… Those revolting Europeans who gave her away just like that!”

The same thing was happening at the Padang, and at various municipal buildings as well. There was so much tension everywhere.

Aadil found himself caught in a sea of incipient delirium.

Abruptly, a deafening roar came from the crowd swallowing him whole. The crowd went crashing everywhere. Strident calls of “Those colonial bastards!” rang loud and clear like an anthem above the heads of the fiendish, outraged, multitude.

Soon the throng of Malays swarmed and a malevolent plan had been prosecuted. The crowd was spurred to attack any European or Eurasian seen on the streets. Steely eyes were aimed at sourcing out any foreign looking individual.

Aadil, stuck within the mob felt an inexorable doom. Nausea overwhelmed him and the foul smell of sour perspiration ate at him. The ever-widening pool of blood soon stained the streets a bright red, like markings of war paint on a victorious clan. Aadil met the feverish gazes of those around him in stupefaction. The crowd continued to shove him convulsively forward. He could not escape from this raging conflagration of wrath.

As the mob moved on, blocking roads, stopping the flow of traffic, the police moved in. The struggle grew more turbulent. Suddenly, Aadil was battered on the back of his head with a solid block-like object. He fell to the ground and was stomped on by the stampede of Muslims convinced that their pandemonium would bring about justice. To the chagrin of the horde, custody had been awarded to Mrs Hertogh and not their beloved Che Aminah.

~

When Aadil awoke, he found himself sprawled by the side of the road, blood already dried into scabs on his body. He felt an excruciating pain rip through his cheek. There was a deep gash there.

As he pulled himself to his feet, a stinging soreness attacked his feet. As far as his eyes could see, he saw a scene of obliteration before him.

Who said love conquered all? How can that be? Look at what love gave us- a world full of killing and blood spilling.

He stood there.

~

Kenduri – Feast

Orang Balat – Westerner

Ibu - Mother
Kaypoh – meddlesome, interfering