"Why did you come with me?"
"Only because I wanted to go with you."
-Ipsen's Play, FFIX
No matter how hard I try, I will NEVER ever escape the clutches of two sinister evils - THE Mole Concept and my paternal relatives.
Mole Concept I can live with but the latter is pure torture. PURE PURE TORTURE. It feels like being ripped apart and mauled alive all at the same time in abrupt fashion. I can even feel my flesh being ripped strand by strand by the tenseness.
Okay. Maybe its just me...
But gawd... I don't know. I can feel eyes boring into me. I start eating very slowly. I do not open my mouth at all (which leads them to think I am a proud mute princess-like brat) and I refrain from strange bratty behavior which leads to further worse implications which I will later shed light on.
I think its just me.
But then again... I don't like gatherings with my paternal relatives. They're like a rowdy bunch. They drink beer, they speak loudly, they speak rather uncouthly and its quite a 'cultural' shock even though I was always hanging out around them when I was much much younger (maybe before the age of 10).
But time changes perspectives, and what seemed normal years ago, don't seem so ordinary and acceptable now.
I think I'm being mean about this whole family gathering affair, but at the same time I think... I'm pretty left out. And its no ones fault I am left out but mine alone because I refuse to follow my dad to gatherings (other than the one today) because I'm left out which leads me in an unending cyclic wheel of feeling left out and alone and not feeling comfortable and not wanting to be around them...
It all boils down to my maturity (or immaturity probably) and my changing views on how adults SHOULD behave in public. I mean, who cares if they behave vulgarly at home... without manners or cares... At least no one watches with prying curious eyes. But outside? Its a ferocious world out there and I'm a product of it. I'm embarrassed. And I'm ashamed that I'm embarrassed about them. I mean, its not their fault. And its very unbecoming of me to look at them as 'embarrassing'.
About tense situations... Family gatherings are tense because for one thing, theres beer. When theres beer, theres alcohol.
Thats number one.
Everyone should know that alcohol make people more than just loud and tipsy... It makes them prone to sudden bursts of emotion, which can get pretty scary in my family's case... Especially one of my uncles. He likes to talk, and mostly nonsense, but he gets along with all the other family members except with my oldest uncle whos a serious no nonsense male chauvinist.
Oh well. And if theres a rift in the family, beer is a good way to start with anger. So... Uh oh.
So the situation is like this: everything is silent, occasional conversation and I sit quietly staring at my plate, eating when food comes, taking very little and I take small dainty bites and pretend that I'm not there by sipping coke. I do all this in silence.
If theres less energy, theres less chance of a fire catching so... Yeah.
But then keeping it to a minimum causes a build up in pressure and then... GAH. You get the drift right?
It doesn't help that my mom and dad aren't the best of friends anymore.
So doesn't help that she doesn't come along anymore.
And I know why she doesn't. I wouldn't too if I were her.
They scrutinize me... I can feel it. They don't look at my sister with stares that squeeze into my every cell. Just me. Because they hardly know me after I took sides with my mother after internal war at home. Sometimes I just wish I didn't take sides and was nonchalent and cared nothing about what happened during internal cold war. But I did. And I drifted from my family, further and further until I feel, now, more alone than anything...
So yeah. They scrutinize me. And I know it. I feel it. The stares I mean.
*SIGH*
And gawd knows what my father tells them when I leave early during gatherings because I hate the tension. Gawd knows what he says about me and my mother.
Yeah. He misses me. He tells them that, and then I become the "prodigal" daughter who doesn't accept him because of my mom. Only thing unlike the prodigal son, I have not come back, and I might never come back.
I know all this from my sister, who sits and listens. She joins in and pretends to be happy. She wolfs down food and pretend to be all merry. But I know what she feels because she tells me.
She isn't truly happy there.
Its like at that gathering theres no place for me or her. A bit more for her because shes always so jolly and sporting and not at all tight lipped and serious like me. She behaves so warmly all the time while I'm always so cool about everything they do. Polite thank yous. Politely taking leave. Everything only what I have to, nothing more.
Compared to my sister, of course I appear proud and aloof, but thats only because I can't let them see into me... This block of ice will stay because you people, have not given me time to warm up to you... You scrutinize me too quickly... You should have waited... But then... You already have. And you can't turn back about this. This block of ice will stay.
My paternal family is a mess...
One of my cousins, almost 9 years older than me (Maybe more than 9? I forgot. I lost count.) is a princess.
I told my dearie that. But I didn't explain what I meant by princess and he said I was "a princess too".
Yes. I am quite bratty these days when I'm with him with my tantrums and 'anger spurts'... But... I don't know...
My cousin, I shall call her YY, has always been the chilli padi of the family. Shes outspoken, rebellious and has run away from home before. Off to America one day without ever telling anyone.
She came back in the end, when her funds dried up. But then her life has never been the same.
She becomes a 'princess'.
I won't say shes spoilt. But shes close to that.
Today was a celebration for my dad, its his birthday tomorrow you see. But she seemed to think that everyone should be serving her anyway. Who cares if its gonna ruin the atmosphere... She just goes ahead and behaves... Strangely.
She had a cup of unfinished milo, but then she wants another cup, and she makes a fuss when her parents tell her to finish her milo. Shes probably in her late 20s already, but she wants it all her way. And she fusses alot about it until everyone gives in and just gets her another cup of drink.
Her mom looks embarrased and her dad looks helplessly angry that she defies him in public. But he doesn't do anything because shes already an 'adult'. I suspect her mom chides her about not behaving and about how well we [my sister and I] are doing because I swear she shoots us a really dirty look.
I feel most unwelcome and I can't wait to bolt. I can't wait to get away.
On the way to the restaurant, what shocked me was that particular uncle who gets along with everyone, was drunk in my auntie's car and she wasn't sure of directions there. My dad was giving directions, and she was a bit disorganized. My uncle kept shooting silly comments which probably hurt and I hurt for her... He kept saying, "I know what they [me and my sister] are thinking. They're thinking you're so stupid... Thinking: Auntie so stupid! " And he kept saying that.
It hurts to hear someone say that kind of thing... And I hurt for her.
:X,
carrie
After gorging my brain with chem, physics, and amaths... I realize that I now suffer from mugging overdrive. My hardware is all faulty now.
And when I mean all faulty, I mean it doesn't wanna stop playing FF9 when I start and its NOT because the storyline is more interesting after reaching DISC 2 (out of 4).
Nevermind. I'll be screwing my brain again tomorrow at Claras... I think her mom really likes me because she thinks I'm pretty decent.
But I am. :)
At least I'm not like, playing traunt or anything. I'm a pretty okay student.
Can't wait to mug tomorrow. Todays a rest day. The brain is sick. It needs nourishing (FF9)... Heh.
I've been noticing pretty good photobloggers around campusmoblog recently. Thats good. More to see and do around here with cutesy entries.
Oh well.
Tired.
Blog another day,
carrie
Talk about being a black horse...
I bet the topic, the pressing issue on everyone's lips, mouth, teeth, tongue cells, has got to be Mother Tongue O Level Results.
It wasn't THAT big in my school (maybe just my class), but WHAM BAM ALAKAZAM, walk out of school and my mobile goes ringing and I get smses about results, messages on messenger about results. Everything seems to be about "What did you get?"
Whew. Is it just me, or has my school lost the steam, that competitive edge? It seems like we acknowledge our achievements already and that getting good grades or not is transient or something. Its great though. At least the upset will get comfort and the happy never get complacent. The atmosphere in my opinion is JUST right, at least for me. :)
Well, about the black horse thing... Its like this chinese phrase for an unexpected winner or the unexpected somebody who achieves something good. Usually used in cases where its definitely a shock factor.
I was one of the black horses. Basically I can't speak Chinese for NUTS. And to get a distinction for my oral was like WOAH. I was like in this semi dream kinda state... I didn't know whether to stay shocked or to smile. I was really happy. Extremely so. But I knew around me people would appreciate a more level headed response... A humbler one... So I tried to keep the joy inside...
But I guess I didn't need to... Because when you're in that kinda sombre situation... When the people you know MOST DESERVED the A2... And they get B3s... You'd kinda sober up too if you were me.
I don't know. Bad stuff happens in life. Can't help it...
I think my results shocked TY the most because he's always saying my Chinese sucks like poo and that I sound like a kentang all the time. Its true lah, but... I don't know. Miracles happen when you try and believe.
So... Today is a good day... :) I AM glad today is a good day. Even if I suffered the worst scare in my life yesterday... Yeah... Things work out in the end.
Life isn't that bad when you stop making it out to be,
carrie
"Are you Canadian?" - Some guy who added me on MESSENGER after chatting to me for 20 mins.
No. I'm not Canadian. Never have been, never will be. And anyway... My dearie wouldn't like me to talk to you too much... Its just weird. Buh bye now. :)
My mind was in a state of terrible mingled disappointment, anger (at myself), and of course confusion. I could feel my head throbbing. One second, one throb. The next second, another throb. I felt like I wanted so badly to just fling myself down the second floor, get a concussion and just forget everything. I was THAT worried. And I bet you would too if you were me. :(
Seriously.
You never expect things to go terribly wrong one after another all the time. I mean, whats the worse that could possibly happen anyway in ONE DAY?
Today was great when it started and it was fun while it lasted (the great part)... I had beans... A whole can of baked beans. That was practically all that was great about today. The rest of it... A mess.
I almost failed my O Level English Oral Examination. All because of something totally brainless I did. I feel like such a freaking stupid DODO. Like I was going **** SHIT **** and **** somemore. I have never felt so unrestrained since FOREVER.
I don't mean fail because I'm worried about how I did for Oral. I mean seriously, fail. You know, like, T-grade?
The one which bans me from every other English examinations for the year and maybe more years to come? I don't know. I almost got a freaking **** T-grade because I was stupid and careless enough to recklessly wave innocently to Amanda as she was leaving the hall. FREAK!
You know what, and I wasn't even aware I did it. It was like a reflex. A goodbye wave. What the heck and it almost cost me a year. A year! :X I really hate myself.
When I got out the hall, I saw Ms Yew going all angry about how silly a mistake I made. She also asked me why
I waved.
I can't explain conditioning! I mean, I just did it, like poof! Its like my hand has a mind of its own when it comes to greeting people. GAH! And I really hate my hand now.
And the stupid thing is I cut my chin with the hardcover book I got from school today. The one given free to students by MOE about everyday in Singapore. Shucks. I was shocked because the scratch was bad enough to bleed all the way down the stairs.
I rushed into class, plonked myself down and cried for almost an hour. Goodness knows why I bothered to cry.
Every single thought was about failing, about not being able to pass my O Levels this year. I was so flustered, my head throbbed harder and harder till I really wanted to hit my head against the wall... I really couldn't help but hate myself then. I just hated myself. HATED myself. I don't know if its a state of despair kinda thing, but the moment I thought I could never get into any JC or POLY this year because of one stupid mistake I looked at the block of flats opposite my school and saw myself going through the motions of going to the top floor, forcing myself to trip and fall off the building. And then I was desperately looking for a penknife and that was really weird because I didn't feel like a coward, but the lump in my throat kept blocking my air passage and I felt horrible and I wanted it to end. But I couldn't find a freaking pen knife and I couldn't like stab myself or slit myself and I felt like crying somemore.
By the time I got myself settled down, calmed down, all I could think of was I was gonna fail and I'd cry all over again and the lump would come and my head would spin and I would feel like falling down because I felt so tired of crying but I couldn't help it...
I saw Shilin with Gua Hoo and tried to avoid them but they saw me and Shilin thought I was just crying because of not doing as well as I expected... I took awhile to tell her I was worried about failing, but she told me to stop worrying because it was obvious I wasn't out to cheat with a hand signal. I know it makes sense now, but then I was just all over it. I was all over the "I'm gonna fail" thought and the subsequent thoughts like "I think that means I cannot go anywhere and I'll have to wait one more year and waste my time all because Carrie, you're a stupid idiot. BRAINLESS DODO." that I wasn't thinking straight.
When I reached the bus stop, there was Don and he also asked me what was wrong. EVERYTHING.
EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. But I just shook my head and kept quiet while trying to stiffle my sobs. I almost choked but yea, at that point of time everything was a blur.
The bus came and hey, I thought, nothing could get worse right? Cheer up. Then beep. EZLINK CARD. Wheres mine? Why isn't the reader beeping?
SHUCKS. SUCKS. SHIT.
I didn't have it with me.
I just felt like dying all over again. Like jumping into the drain and get drowned in the mud water or something.
Rushed all the way back to school only to not be able to find it... Went to the office and saw Ms Yew there with the invigilators. I told them I left my EZLINK on the hall table.
Ms Yew looked at me and told me I was VERY lucky. And I felt all relieved suddenly. And I just wanted to let myself sit down on the floor and cry this time because I was so relieved...
But I stopped myself. They told me Clara took my card.
So I'm penniless but relieved...
Things worked out in the end, and I really have alot to thank God for. Its like, I was screaming out inside for him to help, that I couldn't take it. And he heard me...
Alot of people decided to lend me money to get home. Jenny offered his EZLINK after hearing my plight... The security guard auntie told me NOT to use Jenny's EZLINK card because she claimed it would get me in trouble and stuffed me with 55 cents (just in case).
And I felt all flustered again, because I'm not used to getting sympathy money from figures of authority. :( Or EZLINK cards from friends either.
But I am REALLY thankful. REALLY thankful.
So I feel stupid about myself, filled with gratitude that life works out somehow, and also I feel like an idiot most of all.
I'm glad things worked out. If it didn't... I'd probably just cry my heart out until I suffocate.
But its over. And its good. I got a cut on my chin to remind me about waving goodbye to anyone ever again during an Exam.
Lesson learnt,
carrie
"Beans, Beans, the musical fruit,The more you eat, the more you toot. The more you toot, the better you feel,So eat your beans for every meal." - The Bean Song as sung by Clara
In a sense, what the title screams is true. We ARE living in our own perfect little world, leading perfect little lives. Well. The sentence won't stand without relativity though. Einstein is a genius. But wth, what has this got to do with anything I'm writing anyway.
I don't know. Just a thought. Which became many many long stringy thoughts. Note I am writing on an empty stomach and a full brain. Everythings kinda jumbled up like rubbish in the rubbish chute.
We're living in Singapore. Where the punk rockers take public transport. Where the opposition just gets jailed and nothing happens for awhile. Where the public thinks charities are goody-goody organizations momentarily gone bad. Singapore is rather perfect by standards. Oh yea, I forgot to add, where the dirtiest classrooms aren't really that filthy, and where something or someone that stands out or is different is condemned and forcefully thrown off the stage.
Pretty nifty don't you think? I mean, the whole concept of Singapore.
I mean, this way everything is in order. No problems. No out of ordinary nonsense hanky panky. Everything tries to be perfect. And when it isn't.
BAM WHAM KAZAM.
Get rid of that idea, that attitude, that behavior straight away.
This way, everything will run smoothy.
Good, fantastic, brilliant. Perfect perfect Singapore with its almost perfect people who learn the hard way its better to be perfect than anything else, leading their standard, safe, never-go-wrong lives.
Hmm...
Just a thought. Just a thought. And a bit more...
And I'm a part of this white washed, clean collection of lives and I don't really mind.
I hang out with friends the way everyone else probably does. We complain about stuff. I'm schizo, talking to myself all the time, interacting with my own brain more than anyone else... I try to fit into the Singaporean mould as much as possible but never quite making it.
And then ironically, blogging comes along and suddenly we see that our perfect little Singapore isn't very perfect anymore.
We're all cowards aren't we, Singaporeans?
Imperfection shown only everywhere else. We can't taint our perfect world. We have to do it on the sly. Away from too many prying eyes. Away from complication.
Then again... ...
Thinking,
carrie
"I don't have patience for the clanging of sword kinda thing." - Me to Eric (old friend from Canada) about Martial Arts Novels.
You know how fear does things to your mind? It toys with it like the breeze does with long tresses. It makes your brain swirl with untruth. It makes it a precariously dangerous tool of the devil.
Before I was about to sleep yesterday my brain went into overdrive just to spin out a 'credible' excuse, a lie that would save me from the hell of confrontation.
And worry forms a blindfold. A gag on truth.
I was tottering with guilt almost all day. Alot of people say they wouldn't have given the oppotunity up because of a school event which many others would attend anyway... But my heart? It was heavy. Burdened with guilt, guilt and more guilt.
So Carrie, throw behind your loyalty to the school for 50 bucks? I'm ashamed of you.
Conscience... Oh conscience... Understand. Accept the excuses, those half truths I have inside. Why reject them? Why keep feeling bad? Why will you not take my hand and be pulled out of that bottomless abyss? Will you not be appeased?
50 dollars will go a long way Conscience. Not to others, but to me it does. Accept this fact. I have two bao-beiers to feed. Hungry ones. Sacrifices have to be made. And in this case... Scolding and reprimanding, disappointment.... These will have to be faced when the 8th comes.
50 dollars will allow my mom to give me less allowance dear Conscience. We live in a practical world... A materialistic and practical world. Very few come out unscathed my closest friend, Conscience.
50 dollars will mean... Selfish as it may sound... A lease from scrimping at least for a week. Proper meals, not little tinny scraps of meals. No need for scraping the bottom of our green piggy bank just to make sure everything adds up right.
Accept them. Accept them. Do not reject them.
I think I'm schizo... I'm talking, speaking, appealing to something that cannot respond, to myself. Oh gawd. :X
I don't understand how I can drive myself crazy.
Should I do the right thing? Of course I should.
JUST FREAKING TELL THEM THE TRUTH CARRIE! Why think so hard? Why consider. The truth will never break you... Never! IT IS THE ONLY WAY.
Yes it is. It is. Fight the battle within. Fight the battle up there. Fight it. Fight it. You're gonna win this battle.
The problem with life, you do this you die, you do that, you seem to die and eventually you do,
carrie
P.S: Thanks dearie... For being there for me when I'm going cuckoo crazy.
"May this be good karma build up. Not that I believe in that much. But yeah." - Me to Kenneth when he thanked me for sending him his couple photo with KT.
Because I need alot of it. ALOT of it for Monday.
I think sometimes the need to chatter away during Biology theory lessons can drive the typical 4Bee (a person from my class 4B) entirely crazy. Read: impaired judgement leading to incautious behavior (hmm... I don't think Mr Lim will notice us passing huge pieces of paper around) , reduces inhibition (lets pass messages!), lessening anxiety (of sitting through another boring three periods of bio; ONE AND A HALF FREAKING HOURS) as well as increases appetite (pass the sweets everyone! MENTOS! YAY!).
Sounds like the effects of alchohol.
But thats really what an hour and half of Bio saturation does to the average 4Bee.
Somehow, this kinda effect took control over the whole West portion of the class and dominated a few of those sitting around me and XY at the South eastern area. Gawd. The powers wielded by sheer boredom!
Whatever the case, the weirdest and most risky of all classroom activities happened right under XY and my unsuspecting noses. We being the most blur and attention paying 'guai kias' in Bio class didn't notice a thing until the little fun was discovered by Mr Lim and snatched right into his pocket.
Aww.
Haha.
They were passing a really lame MSN MESSENGER TYPE note around class, detailing who likes whom, who loves whom and whose companies were going under. Something like that. And the really stupid part was that they detailed the nickname changing. Haha. (Something like a combination of ICQ.)
Coincidentally, the most underground and unexpected couple of couples (at least to the teachers) had their name teasingly written on that makeshift MSN Messenger. Along with the more conspicuous "big-wig" couples.
Woe to the secretive girl involved who hid her face in shame the moment the paper was discovered.
The problems of having another half who is in the same class. Heh. I was talking to XY about it, the perils of actually having a relationship (that will most probably not be permanent) right under the noses of teachers (especially the ones we have) is suicide. ALL THE TEACHERS WILL KNOW EVEN BEFORE THE CLASS TOTALLY KNOWS.
Take secretive girl for instance. The class only just discovered, and not all of the class. Wildfire my friends wildfire. With gaping mouths and prying eyes like ours, we are like the kpo neighbours in films and the private loving people's nightmare. HWAHWAHWA.
Quoting Mr Lim, "The other teachers are going to enjoy this..."
Yea. Most probably those [teachers] we haven't got a clue as of yet.
I sense some form of evil lurking in his voice.
And TY wallowed in guilt for being too uninhibited about passing the note, thus leading to the discovery.
Expected.
Anyway, lessons learnt.
"Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love you tomorrow. You're only a day away..." - Tomorrow, I call it the song of procrastination.
Lots of Love,
carrie
