My mind was in a state of terrible mingled disappointment, anger (at myself), and of course confusion. I could feel my head throbbing. One second, one throb. The next second, another throb. I felt like I wanted so badly to just fling myself down the second floor, get a concussion and just forget everything. I was THAT worried. And I bet you would too if you were me. :(

Seriously.

You never expect things to go terribly wrong one after another all the time. I mean, whats the worse that could possibly happen anyway in ONE DAY?

Today was great when it started and it was fun while it lasted (the great part)... I had beans... A whole can of baked beans. That was practically all that was great about today. The rest of it... A mess.

I almost failed my O Level English Oral Examination. All because of something totally brainless I did. I feel like such a freaking stupid DODO. Like I was going **** SHIT **** and **** somemore. I have never felt so unrestrained since FOREVER.

I don't mean fail because I'm worried about how I did for Oral. I mean seriously, fail. You know, like, T-grade?

The one which bans me from every other English examinations for the year and maybe more years to come? I don't know. I almost got a freaking **** T-grade because I was stupid and careless enough to recklessly wave innocently to Amanda as she was leaving the hall. FREAK!

You know what, and I wasn't even aware I did it. It was like a reflex. A goodbye wave. What the heck and it almost cost me a year. A year! :X I really hate myself.
When I got out the hall, I saw Ms Yew going all angry about how silly a mistake I made. She also asked me why

I waved.

I can't explain conditioning! I mean, I just did it, like poof! Its like my hand has a mind of its own when it comes to greeting people. GAH! And I really hate my hand now.

And the stupid thing is I cut my chin with the hardcover book I got from school today. The one given free to students by MOE about everyday in Singapore. Shucks. I was shocked because the scratch was bad enough to bleed all the way down the stairs.

I rushed into class, plonked myself down and cried for almost an hour. Goodness knows why I bothered to cry.

Every single thought was about failing, about not being able to pass my O Levels this year. I was so flustered, my head throbbed harder and harder till I really wanted to hit my head against the wall... I really couldn't help but hate myself then. I just hated myself. HATED myself. I don't know if its a state of despair kinda thing, but the moment I thought I could never get into any JC or POLY this year because of one stupid mistake I looked at the block of flats opposite my school and saw myself going through the motions of going to the top floor, forcing myself to trip and fall off the building. And then I was desperately looking for a penknife and that was really weird because I didn't feel like a coward, but the lump in my throat kept blocking my air passage and I felt horrible and I wanted it to end. But I couldn't find a freaking pen knife and I couldn't like stab myself or slit myself and I felt like crying somemore.

By the time I got myself settled down, calmed down, all I could think of was I was gonna fail and I'd cry all over again and the lump would come and my head would spin and I would feel like falling down because I felt so tired of crying but I couldn't help it...

I saw Shilin with Gua Hoo and tried to avoid them but they saw me and Shilin thought I was just crying because of not doing as well as I expected... I took awhile to tell her I was worried about failing, but she told me to stop worrying because it was obvious I wasn't out to cheat with a hand signal. I know it makes sense now, but then I was just all over it. I was all over the "I'm gonna fail" thought and the subsequent thoughts like "I think that means I cannot go anywhere and I'll have to wait one more year and waste my time all because Carrie, you're a stupid idiot. BRAINLESS DODO." that I wasn't thinking straight.

When I reached the bus stop, there was Don and he also asked me what was wrong. EVERYTHING.

EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. But I just shook my head and kept quiet while trying to stiffle my sobs. I almost choked but yea, at that point of time everything was a blur.

The bus came and hey, I thought, nothing could get worse right? Cheer up. Then beep. EZLINK CARD. Wheres mine? Why isn't the reader beeping?

SHUCKS. SUCKS. SHIT.

I didn't have it with me.

I just felt like dying all over again. Like jumping into the drain and get drowned in the mud water or something.

Rushed all the way back to school only to not be able to find it... Went to the office and saw Ms Yew there with the invigilators. I told them I left my EZLINK on the hall table.

Ms Yew looked at me and told me I was VERY lucky. And I felt all relieved suddenly. And I just wanted to let myself sit down on the floor and cry this time because I was so relieved...

But I stopped myself. They told me Clara took my card.

So I'm penniless but relieved...

Things worked out in the end, and I really have alot to thank God for. Its like, I was screaming out inside for him to help, that I couldn't take it. And he heard me...

Alot of people decided to lend me money to get home. Jenny offered his EZLINK after hearing my plight... The security guard auntie told me NOT to use Jenny's EZLINK card because she claimed it would get me in trouble and stuffed me with 55 cents (just in case).

And I felt all flustered again, because I'm not used to getting sympathy money from figures of authority. :( Or EZLINK cards from friends either.

But I am REALLY thankful. REALLY thankful.
So I feel stupid about myself, filled with gratitude that life works out somehow, and also I feel like an idiot most of all.

I'm glad things worked out. If it didn't... I'd probably just cry my heart out until I suffocate.

But its over. And its good. I got a cut on my chin to remind me about waving goodbye to anyone ever again during an Exam.

Lesson learnt,
carrie

"Beans, Beans, the musical fruit,The more you eat, the more you toot. The more you toot, the better you feel,So eat your beans for every meal." - The Bean Song as sung by Clara