No matter how hard I try, I will NEVER ever escape the clutches of two sinister evils - THE Mole Concept and my paternal relatives.

Mole Concept I can live with but the latter is pure torture. PURE PURE TORTURE. It feels like being ripped apart and mauled alive all at the same time in abrupt fashion. I can even feel my flesh being ripped strand by strand by the tenseness.

Okay. Maybe its just me...

But gawd... I don't know. I can feel eyes boring into me. I start eating very slowly. I do not open my mouth at all (which leads them to think I am a proud mute princess-like brat) and I refrain from strange bratty behavior which leads to further worse implications which I will later shed light on.

I think its just me.

But then again... I don't like gatherings with my paternal relatives. They're like a rowdy bunch. They drink beer, they speak loudly, they speak rather uncouthly and its quite a 'cultural' shock even though I was always hanging out around them when I was much much younger (maybe before the age of 10).

But time changes perspectives, and what seemed normal years ago, don't seem so ordinary and acceptable now.
I think I'm being mean about this whole family gathering affair, but at the same time I think... I'm pretty left out. And its no ones fault I am left out but mine alone because I refuse to follow my dad to gatherings (other than the one today) because I'm left out which leads me in an unending cyclic wheel of feeling left out and alone and not feeling comfortable and not wanting to be around them...

It all boils down to my maturity (or immaturity probably) and my changing views on how adults SHOULD behave in public. I mean, who cares if they behave vulgarly at home... without manners or cares... At least no one watches with prying curious eyes. But outside? Its a ferocious world out there and I'm a product of it. I'm embarrassed. And I'm ashamed that I'm embarrassed about them. I mean, its not their fault. And its very unbecoming of me to look at them as 'embarrassing'.

About tense situations... Family gatherings are tense because for one thing, theres beer. When theres beer, theres alcohol.

Thats number one.

Everyone should know that alcohol make people more than just loud and tipsy... It makes them prone to sudden bursts of emotion, which can get pretty scary in my family's case... Especially one of my uncles. He likes to talk, and mostly nonsense, but he gets along with all the other family members except with my oldest uncle whos a serious no nonsense male chauvinist.

Oh well. And if theres a rift in the family, beer is a good way to start with anger. So... Uh oh.

So the situation is like this: everything is silent, occasional conversation and I sit quietly staring at my plate, eating when food comes, taking very little and I take small dainty bites and pretend that I'm not there by sipping coke. I do all this in silence.

If theres less energy, theres less chance of a fire catching so... Yeah.

But then keeping it to a minimum causes a build up in pressure and then... GAH. You get the drift right?
It doesn't help that my mom and dad aren't the best of friends anymore.

So doesn't help that she doesn't come along anymore.

And I know why she doesn't. I wouldn't too if I were her.

They scrutinize me... I can feel it. They don't look at my sister with stares that squeeze into my every cell. Just me. Because they hardly know me after I took sides with my mother after internal war at home. Sometimes I just wish I didn't take sides and was nonchalent and cared nothing about what happened during internal cold war. But I did. And I drifted from my family, further and further until I feel, now, more alone than anything...

So yeah. They scrutinize me. And I know it. I feel it. The stares I mean.

*SIGH*

And gawd knows what my father tells them when I leave early during gatherings because I hate the tension. Gawd knows what he says about me and my mother.

Yeah. He misses me. He tells them that, and then I become the "prodigal" daughter who doesn't accept him because of my mom. Only thing unlike the prodigal son, I have not come back, and I might never come back.
I know all this from my sister, who sits and listens. She joins in and pretends to be happy. She wolfs down food and pretend to be all merry. But I know what she feels because she tells me.

She isn't truly happy there.

Its like at that gathering theres no place for me or her. A bit more for her because shes always so jolly and sporting and not at all tight lipped and serious like me. She behaves so warmly all the time while I'm always so cool about everything they do. Polite thank yous. Politely taking leave. Everything only what I have to, nothing more.

Compared to my sister, of course I appear proud and aloof, but thats only because I can't let them see into me... This block of ice will stay because you people, have not given me time to warm up to you... You scrutinize me too quickly... You should have waited... But then... You already have. And you can't turn back about this. This block of ice will stay.

My paternal family is a mess...

One of my cousins, almost 9 years older than me (Maybe more than 9? I forgot. I lost count.) is a princess.
I told my dearie that. But I didn't explain what I meant by princess and he said I was "a princess too".
Yes. I am quite bratty these days when I'm with him with my tantrums and 'anger spurts'... But... I don't know...
My cousin, I shall call her YY, has always been the chilli padi of the family. Shes outspoken, rebellious and has run away from home before. Off to America one day without ever telling anyone.

She came back in the end, when her funds dried up. But then her life has never been the same.

She becomes a 'princess'.

I won't say shes spoilt. But shes close to that.

Today was a celebration for my dad, its his birthday tomorrow you see. But she seemed to think that everyone should be serving her anyway. Who cares if its gonna ruin the atmosphere... She just goes ahead and behaves... Strangely.

She had a cup of unfinished milo, but then she wants another cup, and she makes a fuss when her parents tell her to finish her milo. Shes probably in her late 20s already, but she wants it all her way. And she fusses alot about it until everyone gives in and just gets her another cup of drink.

Her mom looks embarrased and her dad looks helplessly angry that she defies him in public. But he doesn't do anything because shes already an 'adult'. I suspect her mom chides her about not behaving and about how well we [my sister and I] are doing because I swear she shoots us a really dirty look.

I feel most unwelcome and I can't wait to bolt. I can't wait to get away.

On the way to the restaurant, what shocked me was that particular uncle who gets along with everyone, was drunk in my auntie's car and she wasn't sure of directions there. My dad was giving directions, and she was a bit disorganized. My uncle kept shooting silly comments which probably hurt and I hurt for her... He kept saying, "I know what they [me and my sister] are thinking. They're thinking you're so stupid... Thinking: Auntie so stupid! " And he kept saying that.

It hurts to hear someone say that kind of thing... And I hurt for her.

:X,
carrie