You know how fear does things to your mind? It toys with it like the breeze does with long tresses. It makes your brain swirl with untruth. It makes it a precariously dangerous tool of the devil.

Before I was about to sleep yesterday my brain went into overdrive just to spin out a 'credible' excuse, a lie that would save me from the hell of confrontation.

And worry forms a blindfold. A gag on truth.

I was tottering with guilt almost all day. Alot of people say they wouldn't have given the oppotunity up because of a school event which many others would attend anyway... But my heart? It was heavy. Burdened with guilt, guilt and more guilt.

So Carrie, throw behind your loyalty to the school for 50 bucks? I'm ashamed of you.
Conscience... Oh conscience... Understand. Accept the excuses, those half truths I have inside. Why reject them? Why keep feeling bad? Why will you not take my hand and be pulled out of that bottomless abyss? Will you not be appeased?

50 dollars will go a long way Conscience. Not to others, but to me it does. Accept this fact. I have two bao-beiers to feed. Hungry ones. Sacrifices have to be made. And in this case... Scolding and reprimanding, disappointment.... These will have to be faced when the 8th comes.

50 dollars will allow my mom to give me less allowance dear Conscience. We live in a practical world... A materialistic and practical world. Very few come out unscathed my closest friend, Conscience.
50 dollars will mean... Selfish as it may sound... A lease from scrimping at least for a week. Proper meals, not little tinny scraps of meals. No need for scraping the bottom of our green piggy bank just to make sure everything adds up right.

Accept them. Accept them. Do not reject them.

I think I'm schizo... I'm talking, speaking, appealing to something that cannot respond, to myself. Oh gawd. :X
I don't understand how I can drive myself crazy.

Should I do the right thing? Of course I should.

JUST FREAKING TELL THEM THE TRUTH CARRIE! Why think so hard? Why consider. The truth will never break you... Never! IT IS THE ONLY WAY.

Yes it is. It is. Fight the battle within. Fight the battle up there. Fight it. Fight it. You're gonna win this battle.

The problem with life, you do this you die, you do that, you seem to die and eventually you do,
carrie

P.S: Thanks dearie... For being there for me when I'm going cuckoo crazy.

"May this be good karma build up. Not that I believe in that much. But yeah." - Me to Kenneth when he thanked me for sending him his couple photo with KT.

Because I need alot of it. ALOT of it for Monday.